BETTER KNOW A COUNTRY: WHO ARE YOU REALLY CHEERING FOR?

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

A few weeks ago Chris Berman made the much publicized comment that "rooting for Brett Favre is like rooting for America." Frankly, I've been surprised by all the mockery and outcry over such a measured, restrained statement. Are we forgetting the hierarchy of American icons and national treasures? It goes George Washington, flag, hot dog, Brett Favre. In fact, I believe the Treasury Department is replacing Sacagawea with Favre on those gold dollar coins nobody uses. So Favre is America, that's established. But what about some of the other players in the NFL? If you cheer for them are you being unpatriotic? Yes. But let's see what country you're cheering for anyway, you pinko commie swine:

Travis Henry, China:
No, it's not because he's good at math. Rooting for Henry is like rooting for China because, like the crowded Asian country, Henry is suffering from an overpopulation problem. He appears to be on a mission to overpopulate this country with his illegitimate spawn and we cannot allow that to happen. The reason America, or Favre as some people call it, is the greatest country in the world is that we have the freedom and space to move around without having to wear surgical masks for fear of people sneezing the avian flu virus on us. It'd be a shame if we had to give that up because Henry couldn't keep his snake in its cage. That's a metaphor for his penis.

Chad Pennington, France:
For some reason I imagine that, much like a Frenchman, Pennington has the kind of B.O. that makes everyone else around him think it's them that smells. He just always looks sweaty. When the Jets are getting ready for practice I can see a bunch of guys smelling themselves before finally seeing him and being relieved that it's not them, kind of like a tourist at a busy Paris bistro does when the waiter ignores them as he walks past. All accounts are that he's an extremely nice guy so that docks him some Frenchman points right there, but I can't get past the fact that he just looks like he stinks. His noodle arm isn't helping matters either. Why don't we just get this over with and have him grow a mustache, tie a red handkerchief around his neck and dress him in a beret and black and white striped shirt. Then he can get back to pretending he's stuck in an invisible box and we can go on with our lives.


Brian Griese, Greece:
Get it? Griese- Greece? (nudge nudge, wink wink) OK, sorry. How about Italy? You know, Griese- Greasy? Italians are...ah, forget it.





"How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them mountains?"



Donovan McNabb, Ireland:
As I've documented in the past McNabb is the face of the struggles Irish players deal with in the NFL. You might even call him the St. Patrick of quarterbacks, although instead of banishing the snakes from the Emerald Isle McNabb banished his mom from blogging on his website. And while the Irish of the 1800s suffered through the Great Potato Famine, Donovan will tell you there's no shortage of delicious chunks of hearty potato in the countless different varieties of Campbell's Chunky Soup. Campbell's Chunky- "The Soup That Eats Like A Meal!"

Igor Olshansky, Russia:
Some of you might be asking yourselves, "Tony, who is Igor Olshansky?" Now technically you're not posing that question to yourself, but I'm willing to answer it nonetheless. Olshansky is a defensive end for the San Diego Chargers. What, you thought everyone named Igor was some sort of hunch-backed, corpse digging-up, heavy breathing mad scientist's assistant? Well, you'd be half right as that is in fact what Igor Olshansky, Sr. did in the Ukraine before the family moved to the United States when junior was nine. Aside from his lineage, the reason cheering for Olshansky is like cheering for Russia is because then us native Favreians have someone fun to cheer against. It's always fun to have a bad guy and it's especially fun to have a bad Russian guy- see Rocky IV. However, contrary to what you may have heard on the subway, the Ukraine is not weak or feeble. Tread lightly.


"UKRAINE IS GAME TO YOU?!?"



Vinny Testaverde, Pangaea:
For those of you not familiar with Pangaea it was the supercontinent that existed during the Palezoic and Mesozoic eras about 250 million years ago, before each of the component continents were separated into their current configuration (See diagram below.) Vinny was there when the continents shifted and broke apart and he still holds a soft spot in his heart for the original earthly land mass that got him where he is today. Who knows, if Vinny had not been standing in what would become North America at the time of Pangaea's disbanding we may have never been witness to his remarkable career. And while the only people that actually lived on Pangaea that remain are Vinny and Larry King, we can all act as honorary Pangaeans and cheer on Testaverde as he seeks to become the first quarterback in NFL history to have lived on the world's original supercontinent and throw a costly interception in a Super Bowl. Godspeed Vinny.

fig. 1- THE BIRTHPLACE OF VINNY