Handicapping the Newest Batch of NFL Criminals

"So angry that he alone is responsible for ruining the belief of Santa Claus in millions of children - celebrating Christmas by taking pictures of dads putting presents under the tree accross the country, and taping the evidence to the foreheads of sleeping babies. Check him out at www.theangryt.com" - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com

We have already said farewell to our boy Pac-Man Jones. We wish him the best in prison. Tank Johnson is gonzo as well, released by the Bears. Sadly, he will probably take year off and eventually sign with the Raiders, but not before he has vowed to change his life. Chris Henry is still around, at least for now, so we can still hope for some hilarious crime against humanity from him.

But with these powerhouses of criminality potentially fading in oblivion, we need to look to the future. It is time to handicap who we can expect to step up their game and move into the stratosphere of athlete/criminals. It is won’t be easy for anyone to fill these guys’ shoes. It will take a terrible attitude toward their fellow man, an unwillingness to listen to authority, and an outright refusal to change their behavior despite disciplinary action from their professional sports league, or the state.

Below are the five most likely candidates to rocket into super-stardom among professional sports criminal elite.

5. Brandon Meriweather – This guy definitely has the opportunity to do something special at the next level. In his young career, he has already been involved in a shooting, where a teammate was shot in the ass. Brandon showing the grit, determination and criminal aptitude that make him special, immediately returned fire with a handgun he just happened to be carrying. Brandon was also involved in that classy FIU – Miami brawl. You may remember him as the guy who took of his helmet and starting hitting FIU players with it. Oh don’t remember that one? Well he was also the guy cleating FIU players who were on the ground. He was the 24^th pick so he will have enough money to get him into a whole heap of trouble. Brandon comes in at five because I really hope he turns it all around, unless he plans to do something really ridiculous, in which case I hope he doesn’t turn over a new leaf.

4. David Kircus – “Circus Kircus,” as he called by those who remember him from his days at Grand Valley State (make sure you scroll down and check out his junior and senior year statistics), just can’t seem to stay out of trouble. First, he got picked up for DUI while he played for the Lions. Presumably, he did this so he would be able to get off the Lions, which worked, because they released him. In 2005, he worked at a Subway, in his native town of Imlay City. You would think this would scare him straight, well, you would be wrong. Apparently nothing scares Kircus, because he punched a man in the face at a party, and shattered several bones in his face. Kircus was charged with second degree assault and allegedly pleaded with the judge to let him leave the state and drink alcohol over the Memorial Day holiday. This cat has all the tell tale signs of someone who is going to do something really stupid, and really illegal really soon. Apparently working at Subway wasn’t so bad if he is so eager to get released by the Broncos. Viva the Sandwich Artist David, and don’t let anyone tell you aren’t a real artist, what you do with the Italian Vinaigrettea is nothing short of magical.

3. Terrence Kiel – If you want to talk criminal upside, this guy has got it. Terrence was charged with drug trafficking ;last year after he reported sent two bottle of prescription cough syrup to Texas. At first I thought this guy was soft for sending couch syrup and not crack or heroin, but it turns out that selling prescription cough syrup, called “lean” on the street, is a burgeoning criminal enterprise. I applaud this guy for getting in on the ground floor of a new crime. This shows criminal determination and heart, something that is sorely needed now that Pac-Man and Tank are gone for the foreseeable future. Thankfully, Terrence will avoid jail because of a sweet deal by the prosecutor. Make sure you read that article, especially the part about Terrence getting picked up for urinating in public two weeks before his court date where he was set to accept this deal. Didn’t I tell you this guy was special?

2. Eddie Griffin – I include Eddie Griffin just so I can mention that last summer, he hit a parked car while drive drunk and watching porn. That is so unbelievable that he may have something even more unbelievable up his sleeve. “I think I’ll get drunk and drive,” said Eddie. “I think I’ll get drunk and drive and watch some porn,” said Eddie. “I think I’ll get drunk, drive, watch porn, masturbate, and hit a parked car,” said Eddie. Those thoughts have never entered my mind, but I bet my life would be several times more exciting if they did on a regular basis.

1. Fred Evans – Fred sits at the top of the list for two very important reasons which I think earmark him for success as a criminal. First and foremost, Evans was involved in an altercation with a cab driver last weekend and had to be subdued by the use of a taser. It took not one, but TWO tasers to take the big man down. That’s 100,000 volts of electricity folks, this is a tough man. The second thing that makes this guy great is that Fred is currently on probation from a marijuana charge in Texas. To be a great criminal, you have to completely disregard reason. Reason would lead you to curtail actions like bar-fights because you are on probation, and you don’t want to be suspended and lose your job. Fred just doesn’t care it seems, and that’s what makes him so great and his upside so high. So go on Fred, fight the good fight, and carry the torch Adam and Tank.

The Angry T

TOP 10 ARM WRESTLING MOVIES OF ALL-TIME

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4. Over The Top
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Courtesy of UCal-Berkeley's Heuristic Squelch (from about 4 years ago. Somehow, I never forgot it.)

"For some reason, even though their archives go back to when I was just an itch in my dad's pants, HS's archives don't have this in there. Maybe I made this all up, or maybe I just need to give up Peyote & Absinthe Thursdays...... oh, Berkeley how I love thee." - Rival Room Editor

BONNAROO: The Good, the Bad and a Strong Hatred for Press Responsibilities

by Chris Jaskot

There are a few points that I want to make right off the bat:

1.) I hate my Rival Room editors for sending me on this strenuous journey to the Woodstockian diaspora. I hope they burn to death. I had a dream once where I set their servers on fire and then threw it down some steps. It was awesome—almost as awesome as the dream I had about Aliaha Shawkat’s tits.

2. Writing this article after coming out of my post-festival coma is a total pain in the ass. If there is anything I’ve learned from Bonnaroo, it’s that you should never allow someone to bribe you into writing a lame article in return for press credentials and some free festival tickets.

But I digress. Bonnaroo is the single most impressive spectacle I have witnessed, so how do you pick a topic and do it justice? I poked around the web for a while and stumbled upon a whole lot of semi-insightful bullshit about how Bonnaroo changed the author’s life…blah, blah, blah. This is the type of fluff I’ll tolerate from some hot blonde I’m trying to bone, but not from some 20-something dude turned crappy journalist. I also found a few articles that gave a chronological account of what the author witnessed while at Bonnaroo. I was not so diligent to bring a pen and paper to make note of such occurrences nor was I sober enough to know how to write, should I have brought these resources. So this type of article is out of the question. I think that what I’ll do is shoot low and write about one performance that was surprisingly good and likewise one that was unexpectedly bad. I’m not trying to turn water into wine here—just trying to do the bare minimum to earn my free ticket.

Gogol Bordello

These guys call themselves a “Gypsy punk” band, but to be fair it’s pretty hard to classify this music. I suppose they have the rhythmic pounding of typical punk band, but with an accordion player, a fiddler and a singer whose voice is reminiscent of Borat. It’s a stretch to classify Gogol Bordello as any one musical genre. At any rate, this group is all about performance. Now, you can claim that it was the mushrooms I had eaten right before these guys took the stage, but in my mind this was the best act at Bonnaroo.

There was no particular element of the show that made it great. However, with catchy, sing along songs, a flashy performance and a small, yet energetic crowd, it’s no surprise that this became one of those rare concert moments that you’ll talk about for years. It was like witnessing a musical circus with front man Eugene Hütz acting as the ring leader. I think that it’s the sheer ridiculousness of this act that makes it so good. Each of the band members resembled a carnival worker with a lead singer wearing florescent green and pink pants flanked with what appeared to be silver garland, a highly energetic accordion and fiddle player and two girls who danced and played various instruments, including huge bass drums and washboards. I think one of these girls dates Elijah Wood. That dude is a total douche bag, but I’ll look past it.

Anyway, if these guys come to your town, you must go see them. It doesn’t matter what kind of music you like or what venue it takes place at, I guarantee you’ll be entertained.

The Police

This was a huge disappointment. Yeah, I know. You’re thinking “the Police are great. They haven’t played together for like 20 something years. One of the best bands of all time is playing the best festival of the year. This is a monumental performance.” That was the problem, though. The expectations were so high for this set that there was no way, at least in my mind, that it could have measured up. Granted, the band was on point and they didn’t seem to have lost any of their touch, but I didn’t feel like they were playing to the crowd at all. To an extent, it felt like they were indulging in the high opinion the general public has for the Police and that they were playing more for themselves.

Maybe I’m being a little harsh. Even though I wasn’t blown away, I’m happy I saw them. They did entertain me for the entire set and it was pretty cool to see some timeless songs performed live.

I think that this is an example of what makes Bonnaroo good. You can expect the unexpected. You find yourself caught up in some great moments. And when you finally return to the real world, you realize that it doesn’t matter how good any particular event was, it’s the experience of being at the festival that makes it great. This is what will get me back at Bonnaroo next year—even if I have to write a bad article to get there.

FIND US SOMETHING FUNNIER, I DOUBLE-DEAD-DOG DARE YOU!

Without Spite-Based Personal Victories, There Would Be No Rivalfish

LADIES LOVE OBSCURE RIVALRIES: PATRICK SWAYZE v. KEANU REEVES - POINT BREAK (1991)

by Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

I went to this swanky club, Reserve, last weekend, and one of the dudes who runs the joint, Mike Mering, pointed out that in our 50 Greatest Movie Rivalries article we failed to include Keanu Reeves (Johnny Utah) vs. Patrick Swayze (Bodhi) in the American classic Point Break. I checked it out, and my new ultra-lounge friend was correct. First of all I would like to apologize because it is inexcusable to neglect such a “radical” rivalry. This movie is the Citizen Kane for X-game athletes, and at least 50% of these athletes have Point Break-related tattoos. What American Pie did for Lacrosse, Point Break did for the X-games.

Bodhi, "The Boddhisattava": Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) is a “gnarly” surfer who believes that the oppressive government robs people of their natural human spirit. When I watch Bodhi talk I feel like I am hearing one of those weird (aka modern hippies) people downtown who hand out flyers about are government controlling everything. When somebody hands you a flyer they are really saying, “Excuse me, but I am too lazy to walk to the garbage can, can you please throw this away for me, or if you are too lazy just drop it on the street so some 14 year old with community service can pick it up later and throw it away.”

Thus, Bodhi’s crew robs banks dressed up as ex-Presidents, so they can afford their “Xtreme” way of life (mainly surfing, but they are up to anything spelled with an “X”). But the catch is they aren’t your typical burn-out surfers. They are smart, and they get high on adrenaline instead of drugs (that’s some deep shit), and they are the perfect bank robbers. And according to Gary Busey’s (the ugly Nick Nolte) character, they "vanish” after the robbery is done, and they leave no clues.

Johnny Utah: With Gary Busey and the rest of the FBI unable to solve the crime of the surfer bank robbers, they hire ex-college football star Johnny Utah (Reeves). Utah blew out his knee in his last college game (which will come back to haunt him at the end of the movie), and could no longer go pro. Logically, when a star QB can’t go pro he decides to join the FBI. Utah is supposed to become a surfer and infiltrate their world to find out who the Ex-Presidents are. He learns to surf from Tyler (Lori Petty), who is a girl that not only has a man’s name, but also dresses like a man and has a hair cut like a man (who Utah falls in love with). You may remember Lori Petty as the girl that Pauly Shore wants in In The Army Now (in which she also played a lesbianish character with short hair).

True Man Love: Utah meets Bodhi after Utah gets in a fight with a local surfer for stealing his wave. This allegedly is a common complaint by local surfers in California who take themselves way too seriously. The local surfer and his posse, led by Red Hot Chili Peppers’ front man Anthony Kiedis back when Red Hot Chili Peppers were cool, all try to jump him, but Bodhi comes to save his favorite college QB. Utah and Brodhi end up becoming best friends, and then Utah likes the lifestyle so much it jeopardizes his job with the FBI.

Eventually Bodhi figures out Utah is in the FBI, kidnaps his new girlfriend, successfully escapes to Australia, and then dies surfing the "50 Year Storm" a year later (he talked about surfing this storm throughout the movie).

It's a Real Sport, And He's a Real Man: In my opinion, Bodhi wins this movie rivalry. He blows out Utah’s knee, gets to hang out with a Heisman-caliber athlete, kidnaps his rival's girlfriend, never works a day in his life because he robs banks for a living, never gets caught, and eventually dies doing the one thing he wanted to do before he died. Oh yeah, and he nailed Utah’s girl before him (when she actually looked like a chick).

Nevertheless, I'm left with some questions about this film. Didn’t it take a long time for the FBI to catch a bunch of surfers who hang out on sand all day. I know they used the sand samples to help them solve the crime, but didn’t it take a little long? If I am at the beach for 4 minutes in flip-flops, I am dumping sand out of my work shoes 4 days later. Sand has the ability to stick with you longer than herpes or a high school reputation.

I am going to extend this rivalry to off-camera. I am assuming that on the set Keanu won the rivalry against Swayze. I heard a rumor that whenever Swayze walked past Keanu he would start singing “Hungry Eyes.” Every morning he would ask Swayze how his night was, and before he could answer he would ask if, “he had the time of his life, and if it never felt that way before.” Keanu also leaked a rumor to the press that he begged director Kathryn Bigelow to incorporate a dance sequence.

Occasionally Swayze would try to retaliate by making fun of the Bill and Ted movies, and Keanu would quickly rebuttal with, “tell everybody how good it felt to get all up in Whoopi Goldberg.”

AN OPEN LETTER to JDATE.COM FROM A PARTIAL JEW

Jewish singles do not fret. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is JDate.com. First of all it is nice to know that non-Jews aren't the only ones who refer to Jewish people as "J's." I am sure this comes as a huge relief to the New Testament believers who thought that expression may have been racist.

As I am sure you have already concluded, JDate is an online service for Jewish singles to find each other and have a little fun. Or as their trademark slogan says, "JDate. Where it happens." So, lonely Jews, your Yiddish (or is it Hebrew) prayers have been answered.

As a half breed myself (my mom is a Jew and my dad is a Christian/Dago) I am torn by this site. When I am usually at a bar I flip-flop religions based off the girl I am talking to. If it is a Christian girl, I am complaining to her about how the body of Christ tastes like cardboard and that Mrs. O'Brien likes the blood of JC a little too much. If I am approached by a Jewish girl I point at my nose and ask her if she wants to go make her grandparents happy.

Now JDate.com has made me realize that the cyber world is a harsh world in which everyone has to pick a religion. It is just a matter of time before the Christian branches start their own online dating base. As technology moves forward what happens to us religious mutts? I feel like a man without a country...

Now my question to JDate.com is where do us partial Jews fit? Are we allowed to use JDate.com? Do I have to sing an awkward prayer in Hebrew to prove that I had Bar mitzvah? What if I never got passed around in a chair when I was 13 while David Sandberg's awkward 17 year old brother was DJing in the background (it was his first big gig)? Since I have never gone to Jewish sleep-away camp or done Birthright Israel, do I drop from ½ Jewish to a ¼ Jewish?

Since I am going to law school next year, will that make me Jewish enough to use your singles network? What if I cut the bills off of all my baseball hats, and starting referring to Messiah believers as Goys? What if my dad quit his job as a union construction worker and became a Hollywood Movie Producer?

JDate.com, what if you guys let me use the online dating service, but I can only date or "have fun" with Jewish girls whose grandparents have already passed away? That sounds like a good deal. If there is one thing I know, it is that Jewish grandparents do not want Goys or ½ Goys de-purifying their bloodline.

Look, JDate.com, grab us mutts right now before the Christians start their online dating service and snag us up. Let's face it, there are more people who read the holy book than the holy scroll, so you are going to need all the people you can get. What if I throw in full breeds Jonah (Rivalfish Co-Creator) and Pete (Rivalfish Intern), and then will you accept me?

JDate.com let me know what decision you have made. I already took my picture in a Sandy Koufax jersey, and settled on an Andy Samberg line from Lazy Sunday as my favorite quote to put in my profile ("Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = crazy delicious"). The ball is in your court...

Yours truly,

Dan "Pizza Bagel" Raspatello (or Raspastein if you play your cards right)

To Yi or not to Yi

by Josh Downs, Rivalfish's Foreign Correspondent

In my normal, Western Hemisphere dwelling yearly routine, I would be anxiously poring over NBA Draft websites, wondering which of the phenomenal College Basketball Stars I witnessed during the tournament the Bulls were likely to take. This year, I wasn't able to watch a single college basketball game, as I was too busy dominating the Vietnamese Professional Basketball League as the Shaq-like starting center of the Ho Chi Minh City Zephyrs. That or College Basketball isn't shown in Asia, I forget which. Nevertheless, I have come to understand a few things about this upcoming draft from what I have read and youtubed.

1. The Bulls badly need a low-post scoring presence

2. With the ninth pick, this is quite hard to come by.

With Freak of Nature and Robert Parrish Sighting Greg Oden, and NCAA Player of the year Kevin Durant slotted easily at one and two, the rest of the top ten picks are a bit of a crapshoot. Atlanta is a total mystery at the three spot. The overwhelming team need, and ridiculously thin area in the draft, calls for a point guard, meaning Mike Conley Jr. could strike gold with his early entry bid, though in any other year he would be no better than the third or fourth point guard. Do the Hawks reach up their ass for him, or do they take Marvin Williams clone Brandan Wright, challenging NBA critics who say you can't field a basketball team with a 3-3-3-3-3 lineup? The Grizzlies could easily take Conley at four as well. But with this being perhaps the most talented forward draft in history, it is safe to assume that the first couple of picks after 1 and 2 will go that way.

This puts the ball in the brain master, Danny Ainge's court. No one ever knows for sure how Danny Ainge is going to draft, as he depends primarily on Phrenology's Bastard Child, Brain typing, to fill his depth charts. Thus far, his brain-typing approach has led to super scrub Brian Scalabrine, and Sebastian Telfair, whose talents include never knowing when he is in the presence of firearms. Has anyone in the Celtics organization bothered to brain-type Ainge? After all, he is a Mormon. Ainge is said to like Mike Conley here, and this may be a more appropriate spot for him, though one never knows, he might get happy on Yi Jianlian and grab him before the Bulls get a chance to consider sinking a pick on him.

Ideally, the Bucks would follow with projected pick Corey Brewer, quickly trailed by the Timberwolves with small forward Jeff Green. The last obstacle between the Bulls and their ideal choice of three would be MJ and the Bobcats. The Cats needs all over the board would lend itself to taking the best player available, especially with the expected departure of do-it-all forward Gerald Wallace. This could mean anybody, including Joakim Noah, Spencer Hawes, Yi Jianlian, Julian Wright, or Al Thornton. For the sake of argument, let’s say Jordan does this writer a favor and snags Wright. That leaves Noah, Hawes, or Jianlian as the picks here.

Joakim Noah made the Matt Leinart mistake of being a surefire top two pick to go back to school and let the draft nitpickers find the holes in his game. The problem for them is that the holes that were exposed were the holes that they already knew about. Noah is not a pure, post-scoring presence, and his narrow shoulders dictate that he probably never will be. He is a high energy, shot blocking, and rebounding glue guy that the Bulls easily would have taken instead of Tyrus Thomas last year. This year, their needs are a bit different, and Noah doesn't really fill them. I hate it when players are punished by going back to school and dropping in the draft, but Noah should have known this was coming. When draft experts are citing your bloodlines as proof to your future success in the NBA, and your dad is a TENNIS player, you need to ride that train to cash-town and permanent Stromile Swift comparisons. If the Bulls ever sign a Roddick or an Agassi, I will officially disown them.

Spencer Hawes probably comes closest to filling the Bulls needs via the draft. He might be the most highly skilled post scorer in this draft, even more so than Oden, but when a tall white dude comes out and officially says that he sees defense as one of his liabilities, you know you will see some ugly highlights the next year. Scott Skiles runs a tight defensive ship, so despite this guy's offensive potential, the likelihood that he sees the floor is slim. Or do the Bulls sacrifice some defense, figuring that the aging Benny Wallace can pick up the slack, to get their only legitimate post scoring threat since Eddy Curry McRibbed his way out of town.

Yi Jianlian is the enigma in this year’s draft, and the same mysteries of the Orient that drove me to repatriate to Vietnam will drive some GM to pick him too high. Jianlian has the stink of bust all over him, he's been called "The Next Yao", and being the next anything in the NBA is the kiss of death. He has relatively consistently beaten up on the competition in the Chinese Basketball Association. In a related note, I have relatively consistently beaten my beginner English students in Scrabble. For a little point of reference to how unready Jianlian is for the NBA game, his team just lost in the finals to Bayi, where he was manhandled by Wang Zhizhi, a player who averaged less than 10 minutes a game in his NBA career. This guy will show all of the poise of a stunned deer in his first year, and the Bulls need someone who can contribute sooner rather than later. I can only hope that Danny Ainge will snag this guy before the Bulls are faced with the possibility of taking him.

LADIES LOVE OBSCURE RIVALRIES: Cubs v. Sox '07 (Part 2)

by Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

For the interleague battle last year I wrote an article featuring breaking down both fan bases (http://www.rivalfish.com/rivalroom/2006/06/ladies-love-obscure-rivalries-cubs.html). Sox and Cubs fans hate each other and I strongly advise you to read last years article (linked above) to understand why.

Given that both teams blow this year, I have decided to evaluate which team is currently better off and what the weekend Windy City series will be like. Also, I will give a little advice on what each team can do to make the series more watchable.

Making the playoffs: The Cubs are currently 5 games under (32-37) and the Sox are 10 games under (29-39), but the Cubs have roughly a 1,000,000 times better chance of making the playoffs. This is simply because the Sox are 10 games behind the 1^st place Cleveland Indians in arguably the best division in all of baseball, and the Cubs are 7 games behind (6 in the loss column) the 1^st place Milwaukee Brewers in unarguably the worst division in baseball. Since you play teams in your division the most, the Cubs will continually play crappy teams. For example the only above .500 team the Cubs play in the next month is the team they are chasing, the Milwaukee Brewers. The Sox are currently in the easiest part of their schedule (next 16 games against under .500 teams), but they have to play 12 straight games in July against the 3 of the 4 best teams in the American League.

The fact remains that both teams blow. I am not quite sure which team blows more (we will find out this weekend), but they definitely both blow. However, the entire Cubs division blows which gives them an outside chance of making the playoffs.

The Weekend Series: With Aramis Ramirez on the DL and Derek Lee possibly suspended for the entire series (depending on when the appeal is heard), the Sox find themselves facing an already crappy team without their 3 and 4 hitters. The Cubs trying to score runs without Lee and Ramirez is like the U.S. Government trying to stop a terrorist attack without the help of Jack Bauer. However, Cubs ace pitcher, Carlos Zambrano, holds a better batting average (.273) than everybody on the Sox with the exception of Jim Thome (.288). The ChiSox currently rank dead last in the entire MLB in hits, runs, batting average, and on-base percentage. I would look for a total of 12 runs to be scored the entire series.

Fight more: Sox, take a cue from the Cubs. The Cubs blow, but they have me watching every game because there is 50/50 shot that somebody is getting punched. The Cubs don’t even give a shit if they fight each other or the other team. It is like Pinella sat the whole team down and showed them Slapshot, and then said “if we follow this movie we will keep our fans.” However, losing Barrett might have ended fights in the dugout and clubhouse. It is times like this when somebody else on the roster has to step up and become the new clubhouse cancer.

So, Sox fans, go back to being your old trashy-selves. Stab a coach, attack an umpire, stop believing that dinosaurs ever existed, and don’t pay a child support or two.

Here are few examples of what the Sox and Cubs can do to get fans back watching again:

1. Bobby Jenks, start being an alcoholic again: Go back to being the guy that drank so much that even throwing 102mph didn’t stop the Angles from releasing you. We want the guy who got demoted from AA to A ball in 2002 for repeatedly sneaking beer into the clubhouse and getting into barroom brawls. We want u back in the AA that most sox fans should be in. That is the kind of guy that Sox fans can relate with. Bobby, fire a fastball at Soriano and start a bench clearing brawl. That is the only way this series will be entertaining.
2. Derek Lee, keep this new badass image: D-Lee was known around baseball as a class-act, and was viewed as one of the most complete players in all of baseball. D-Lee keep the on-field dominance up, but keep this new badass thing going. However there are a couple things you need to work on: a.) punching (a blind person could have seen that haymaker coming you threw at Chris Young), b.) go after smaller guys (Chris Young is 6’10” – 260lbs, you don’t want to fuck with him).
3. Carlos Zambrano, keep on being crazy: Don’t stop with Michael Barrett, fight other underachieving players on the Cubs roster. Look at how fast you got Barrett off the roster. The fans will stay on your side as long as you only fight Jacque Jones, Mark Prior, and Scott Eyre. In fact you can go ahead and kill Jones, Prior, and Eyre, so the Cubs can dump their untradable-salaries. Also, keep fist-pumping on second inning strikeouts against the Pirates, taking off your belt in bench clearing brawls, and referring to yourself in the 3^rd person.
4. Ozzie Guillen, keep talking to the media: Call somebody else a fag. Don’t stop with Jay Mariotti.
5. Mark Buehrle, stop being ugly: This has nothing to do with baseball, but people would be able to see how great of a starting pitcher you are if you would just keep that ratty facial hair under control. You have 7^th graders turning into potheads to avoid puberty because they are afraid their facial hair will turnout like yours.
6. A.J. Pierzynski, keep being an asshole: Since you are already the most hated man in baseball by other Major Leaguers, you just have to keep doing your thing. Controversy will find you.
7. Lou Pinella, keep being crazy: If they suspended you for 4 games for kicking dirt on an umpire, imagine what they would do if you actually hit an umpire. If you keep going nuts you will get a lot of vacation days and the fans will love you. Sounds like a win-win.

Making Useless Unnecessary Changes 101

"So angry that he alone is responsible for ruining the belief of Santa Claus in millions of children - celebrating Christmas by taking pictures of dads putting presents under the tree accross the country, and taping the evidence to the foreheads of sleeping babies. Check him out at www.theangryt.com"

- Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com

Remember how you were watching basketball the other day, and you just couldn’t get over how low the rim was? Yeah me too, I have always felt that 10 feet is way to short for a basketball rim. Well thank god that Tom and Pete Newell are ready to do something about it. This is the Pete Newell of “Pete Newell’s Big Man Camp” fame, looking to shake things up. Both Tom and Pete believe the game has become too individually oriented and that an 11 foot rim would lessen the reliance on individual play, three pointers and dunking.

“We’ve got to bring the game back to a level of execution and fundamentals,” Newell said. “I’m not trying to change convention. I’m just asking the question, Why not?” Let me answer that question with a question, why? Did you watch the NBA finals? The Spurs played the fundamental team basketballa that basketball purists are dying for, and what happened, the NBA Finals had their lowest ratings in 25 years. The WNBA, the alleged bastion of fundamentality, is a laughing stock. Why? Because the dunk is more exciting than the chest pass. Don’t forget you are trying to sell something here gentleman.

The problem is not the rim, the problem is that coaches cannot control players and teach the game like they used to. So either update your 50 year old coaching strategy and tailor it to today’s youth, or raise the rim to 19 feet, that would really eliminate individual play.

Wishing It Was '05

by Peter Stein, pstein@rivalfish.com

After watching the White Sox drop game after game, I have begun to realize that anything from 2005 is over. The team is headed the wrong direction and needs to rebuild in a suddenly impossible division. After winning 90 games last year, I had hope going into this season, but they are an absolute disaster this year. A team that was supposed to be high on offense is the worst in baseball and features feared sluggers such as Luis Terrero, Jerry Owens, Andy Gonzalez and Rob Mackowiak on a nightly basis. The bullpen might be one of the worst ever, seriously. But instead of doing the usual bashing of Kenny Williams (I could have told you this bullpen was going to suck), Ozzie, and Greg “I have a job?” Walker, I am going to say something else. This is how this team is supposed to play. Everyone says that they underachieved last year, following the 2005 championship. Heck, if you ask me they were overachieving last year too. Let me so you just how special (by that I mean lucky) the 2005 championship team was, comprised of a bunch of misfits who came together to simultaneously have career years.

The clubhouse: Could players actually know what was going on and were they even able to communicate with each other? The team consisted of two Cuban defectors, two Japanese players (to start the year at least), one legally insane person (Carl Everett), and a mix of Spanish speakers, a bunch of rednecks, and a Juan Uribe. As Ozzie said, there were four languages spoken in the clubhouse: English, Spanish, Japanese, and whatever the hell Juan Uribe spoke. Needless to say, it would have been an interesting clubhouse to spend a day in, let alone a year. Now let me take you through the key players and show either how crazy and much of a misfit they were, or how they overcame such great odds to have a good season.

1. Scott Podsednik – Misfit/Career year. A guy who didn’t play a full year in the majors until he was 27, had one good year and one bad year before coming to the Sox. Although he had stolen 70 bases in 2004, the Sox had shipped off one of the AL’s best sluggers, who was entering his prime, and replaced him with a scrawny leadoff hitter who batted .244 had got on base 31% of the time. Just the type of guy you want to lead the team in at bats. However, we all know what Podsednik did – getting on base, stealing bases, and frustrating the shit out of opposing pitchers. He really set the stage for the Sox.

2. Tadahito Iguchi – Misfit. Not looking forward to Willie Harris playing 120+ games, the Sox brought in a Japanese second baseman to fill his role. Of course, we all know how good the move ended up being. However, who saw this success coming? After the much more highly touted and highly priced Kazuo Matsui flopped at second base for the Mets, Iguchi definitely surpassed the general expectations.

3. Paul Konerko – Career year. You might not think Konerko belongs in a list with these other guys, having produced big numbers before and after 2005. However, as well all know, especially right now, this guy has a tendency to slump…not just a couple weeks, but for half of a season (see ’02, ’03, 07). Look up his numbers. Somehow in ’05 Konerko managed to stay productive, and seductive, every month. Does Konerko give you a Bonerko?

4. Carl Everett – Misfit/Career year. I could write 200 pages here. Known as a clubhouse cancer, Everett was instrumental in the Sox success, filling in for the Big Hurt (literally). Good thing Everett never misunderstood any of his teammates’ sexuality, because he would “consider retiring” or “set them straight.” I have a personal story with Carl. In 2003, I went to Boston to watch the Sox play the Sox. I stayed at the same hotel as the players, and following the win I saw Carl and said, “Now you just have to catch the Twins, Carl.” He replied, “Catch the Twins? We just caught ’em today.” Although the Twins did lose that night, the Sox did remain one game back. Oh yeah, just a half season after hitting 23 dingers and driving in 87, he is out of major league baseball.

5. A.J. Pierzynski – Misfit. At bat and behind the plate, you pretty much know what you are getting with A.J. He had his best power year with the Sox, but didn’t really overachieve. But he sure is a misfit. I don’t really even need to explain. However, see what winning does? People love A.J. when he is on their side and when they are winning, but Mark Buehrle has already spoken out about Pierzynski’s outburst/actions this year. Put him on a team with Everett again and I bet they would put Zambrano and Barrett to shame. I couldn’t put it any better than Ozzie himself, “"When he's on the other team, you hate him. When he’s on your team you hate him less.”

6. Jermaine Dye – Misfit/Career year. Okay, I know that the career year came last year. However, his second half and postseason was ten times better than his previous five injury-riddled seasons. This is why he was a misfit. Jermaine who? It had been five years since his all-star season with K.C. In ’05 he was regarded as a washed up player who couldn’t play more games in a season than Mark Prior. Then he comes to the Sox and the only thing that can keep him out of the lineup is a spider bite. The Sox threw a few dollars at him and got one of the best bargains in baseball. Now he sucks again.

7. Juan Uribe – Misfit. Scroll down a bit and see Angry T’s article. 1) He has shot someone. 2) He swings harder than Mike Tyson. 3) If he actually hit a homerun every time he puts his hands up, we wouldn’t be worried about Bonds passing Aaron. By the way, if Jeter made those last two plays of the World Series it would be like that tag he had on Giambi and we would see it on highlights for the next thirty years.

8. The Starters: Career Years/Misfits. Just look it up. Mark Buehrle, Jon Garland, and Jose Contreras all enjoyed the best year of the career in 2005. Orlando Hernandez gave a handful of masterful starts before getting hurt (who didn’t see that coming) and Brandon McCarthy pitched the best he ever has in 2005. Hernandez is doing it again with the Mets and McCarthy sucks now (go John Danks!). As for the misfit part, Orland Hernandez and Jose Contreras are each probably four years older than they claim to be. They say El Duque is older, but if you ask me Contreras is his father.

9. The Bullpen: Career Years. Honestly, how lucky can a team be? After Takatsu started sucking, the Whitesox should have been dead meat. But no, Dustin Hermanson decides to step up and save 34 games and post a 2.04 ERA. Pretty good for a guy with a career 4.21 ERA. And what happens when he struggles/gets hurt? The Sox bring up a 24 year old with a shaky past from AA to take over the closer role. He dominates and continues to do so in the postseason. Not a career year, because the guy is still doing it. But isn’t he a little bit of a misfit? He was so much trouble the Angles that they just released him…and his 100 mph fastball. The two setup men for the Sox, Cliff Politte and Neal Cotts, each had more of a career in one season than Don Mclean did in his one hit song ‘American Pie.’ Politte: 7-1 with a 2.01 ERA and half a year later he is out of baseball with a career 4.40 ERA. Cotts: 4-0 with a 1.94 ERA and in the following season posts a 5.17 ERA. According to my calculations, the chances of this bullpen coming together to be this dominant was approximately 1:743,432.25.

A lot of these guys are gone now and unfortunately some are still around. But, the point is that most of them suck. Vegas had these guys 30-1 to win the World Series; I think 60-1 would have been more appropriate. I shouldn’t be too harsh, but the current losing is getting to me. But I think this shows just how special, magical, and unlikely the 2005 Championship was.

Top 30 Villains in a Sports Movie

by Dan Raspatello, draspate@gmail.com

Because without Villians, our favorite underdogs would've gone totally unnoticed.

30. Necessary Roughness (1991) - Villain: Dean Phillip Elias (Larry Miller)

Does anybody else remember Jason Bateman playing the 35 year old QBs dorky sidekick? Sinbad was also very believable as a Science Professor...

29. Tin Cup (1996) - Villain: Golf Pro David Simms (Don Johnson)

However, the biggest villain in this movie may have been that Roy "Tin Cup" McAvoy treats golf like a testosterone contest and always has to go for the green instead of laying up. But then again Rene Russo was looking for a guy who had the balls to go for it. This movie is also credited for making the 7-iron the sexiest club in the bag.

28. Rounders (1999) - Villain: Teddy KGB (John Malkovich)

After this movie Oreo's stock dropped 3 points.

27. The Longest Yard (1974) - Villain: Warden Hazen

26. White Men Can't Jump (1992) - Villain: Each Other

Sidney Dean (Wesley Snipes) and Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson) proved once again that black and white people really can't trust each other. Ever since this film was made, Rosie Perez has been viewed by the Latin American population as the Rosa Parks of Jeopardy!

25. Jerry Maguire (1996) - Villain: Bob Sugar (Jay Mohr)

Jay Mohr is also the only actor in this movie whose career is currently in worse shape than Tom Cruise's.

24. The Bad News Bears (1976) - Villain: The Yankees (best team in little league)

"All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, niggers, pansies, and a booger-eatin' moron!" - 11 year old Shortstop Tanner Doyle describing the make-up of The Bad News Bears' roster. The good old '70's: when children using racial slurs in movies was totally socially acceptable. The Yankees try to make friends with the Bears at the end of the movie, but SS Tanner Doyle is not feeling it. "Hey Yankees... you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ass!"

23. D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994) - Villain: Iceland Coach Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson (Carsten Norgaard)

Between the Cold War and The War on Terror moviemakers had to really use their imagination to find villains in sports movies.

22. The Hurricane (1999) - Villain: Racist Establishment of New Jersey

Real classy, Jersey, real classy.

21. Hoop Dreams (1994) - Villain: Socioeconomic Class

20. Hoosiers (1986) - Villain: Population

This movie is the Godfather of all movies based in small town Indiana.

19. Bull Durham (1988) - Villain: Ageism

18. Rocky III (1982) - Villain: Clubber Lang (Mr. T)

Italian men rejoice once again as Rocky beats up another black man.

17. Major League - Villain: Yankees' Slugger, Clue Heywood (Peter Vuckovich), and Closer, 'Duke' Temple (Steve Yeager)

"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor." - Indians broadcaster, Harry Doyle

The 'Duke' is so nasty that he threw at his own son in a father-son game.

16. Rocky (1976) - Villain: Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers)

Overly-confident, trash-talking, flamboyant, and wealthy African-American man is pitted against hard-working, humble, poor, and extremely nice Italian man in the greatest underdog story ever. A young Sylvester Stallone cannot understand why some view this movie as subtly racist.

15. Field of Dreams (1989) - Villain: Banker-brother-in-law Mark (Timothy Busfield)

Mark, your "foreclosure on the farm" threat was as empty as a Carmela "I am going to leave you, Tony" threat in The Sopranos.

14. Caddyshack (1980) - Villain: Judge Elihu Smails (Ted Knight)

13. Brian's Song (1971) - Villain: Cancer

Before this tear-jerker-movie, cancer was widely viewed as a "good" disease. This movie not only showed us that cancer is terrible, but also proved that every Chicago Bear is a great human being (even Tank Johnson).

12. Major League (1989) - Villain: Cleveland Indians Owner, Rachel Phelps (Margaret Whitton)

"I have something I think you all ought to know about. It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel." - Manager Lou Brown

11. Breaking Away (1979) - Villain: College Snobs

The first and last movie that Dennis Quaid is good in.