Get Your Facts Straight - Henry Won't Go Out Smoking
"So angry that he alone is responsible for ruining the belief of Santa Claus in millions of children - celebrating Christmas by taking pictures of dads putting presents under the tree accross the country, and taping the evidence to the foreheads of sleeping babies. Check him out at www.theangryt.com" - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief
Should we all be disgusted that CnnSI feels the need to report when Chris Henry actually passes a drug test?Should we be shocked that this guy has managed to avoid putting drugs in his system for 30 days or so?I guess we should, even though he probably knew if he was caught with drugs he would be suspended for the remaining 8 games that he is even eligible to play in the upcoming season.Hell, if Roger Goodell wanted to make a statement, he probably would have kicked him out of the league.
So why is this a story?Simply because ESPN reported last week that Henry had failed a drug test.A story was actually posted on ESPN on May 21st that stated that Chris Henry had indeed messed up once again, which is something we all wanted to believe even if the only backing of the story came from a statement by Gary Edmondson (a clown looking to get his name in the paper). Well Gary, you should probably be fired for saying that Henry had failed the test and would be forced to serve 88 days in jail, when you had no real information to support the statement.
You can’t do that sort of thing unless you write for a shitty blog.It’s probably just as bad that a “reputable” news organization like ESPN ran the story before getting any real confirmation of the facts.If you want to read a similarly hilarious story where claims are made by unnamed sources and conclusion are jumped to based on interviews with underground dogfighters, read this.Don’t get me wrong, Vick probably had a hand in this debacle but do you need unnamed, underground, and most likely under-toothed dogfighters to make your point? We should probably be pretty excited that Henry is still around because I want to see him go out with a bang, not just a failed drug test.I kind of see him punching out the Queen of England in a bear-knuckle boxing match or one-up Michael Vick and start up a Bear-Baiting ring.Good luck Chris and Godspeed.
Rivalfish.com's 50 Manliest Men Ever (Well, Mostly Men)
by Adam Briner
When this article was in its initial stages of planning, it was supposed to be the 50 Manliest Men in Sports.Rivalfish.com, after all, is a serious sports website that rarely, if ever, delves into the areas of our world that it is not 100% familiar with. However, as the list was compiled and the research done, it became clear that there would be problems. For example, Brandi Chastain – aka, the chick who ripped her shirt off after the U.S. women won the World Cup – well, she was considered heavily for the list.
That’s not going to fly. I can’t, with any remaining dignity, put a woman on this list of Manliest Men in Sports. So I changed it to the 50 Manliest Men Ever!
50.Martina Navratilova – In a sport best known for the “sweater tied around the neck” fashion, it is unlikely for a truly manly man to emerge. However, one did, although not on the men’s side of the net. Martina Navratilova dominated the sport for decades. If you are doubting this selection, realize that unless you are on this list yourself, she has most likely slept with more women than you. If that doesn’t earn her a spot on this list, nothing will. 49. Christian Laettner – Of all the guys on the list, only one can really be called a “Man’s man” quite literally. He’s Christian Laettner. Also available to sub in at this position – Mike Piazza. 48. Mario (from Super Mario Brothers 1-1,000,000) – This guy is a plumber who ended up marrying into royalty and keeping a sugar mama. He lives the life that every guy dreams of every single night in their sleep. Add also the fact that he breaks bricks open with his head and uses flowers to make fire and you’ve got one manly dude. 47. Kermit Washington – Those who know anything about Kermit Washington’s sports career know exactly how tough he was. But few think about the fact that throughout his whole life he had to endure the name Kermit. How many could truly deal with the constant “go back to the swamp” comments and “how’s it feel to have a hippy’s hand up your butt all the time?” questions. You and I might melt down, but it just made Washington stronger.
46. Patrick Swayze – Even though he was in Dirty Dancing, Swayze was still able to make the list. That is a testament to exactly how tough he was in Road House and that SNL male dancer sketch. Nobody puts Swayze in the corner or the honorable mention portion of Manliest Men lists. 45. NHL Hockey Players – I have to group these warriors together because they would have a monopoly on this list if I didn’t. These guys lose their teeth and risk their lives everyday for hockey. They don’t get any women because they are all so ugly and Canadian. They don’tget any fame because no one watches (Isn't there a strike or something?). As far as anyone can tell, they only play hockey so they can hurt other hockey players. That’s tough.
44. Dick Butkus – I once saw a tape from Butkus’ final high school game where he tackled an opposing ball carrier so hard that the guy’s head flew off of his body and lay on the 50 yard line. No, wait! He did that to NFL running backs. More than once. 43. Bill Parcells – If manliness was measured in the ankle strength alone, Bill Parcells would be number one on this list. However, he is still a deserving member of it. The coach was able to win football games, even with T.O. trying to kill himself, an addiction to nachos, and all of Tony Romo’s disease-infested flavors-of-the-week standing in his way.
42. Juan Marichel – A mediocre baseball player, at best, Marichel will forever be known as the player who hit Johnny Roseboro with a baseball bat. Sure, it’s not the most noble thing, but no one ever said that being a man was about being noble. In fact, some would say Marichel should be higher on the list because HE HIT ANOTHER DUDE WITH A BASEBALL BAT. 41. Pocket Hercules – Being an Olympic gold medal winner in weightlifting is pretty impressive in and of itself. But Lil’ Hercules was only 6 inches tall and could lift a full size Semi-Truck with his right arm only. And he was left handed!
40. Lance Armstrong – There is a journal out there somewhere written by someone who raced against Armstrong in the first Tour de France. He talks about while he is in first place, during the most grueling mountain stage, he hears Armstrong coming up on him. Basically, he determines that he would rather lose the entire tour than let “the gringo” pass him. He says he gave it everything he had to stay in front, but as Armstrong passed him, Lance looked back and smiled at him. This was only months after he recovered from terminal cancer. 39. Paul Bunyan – Most people get a dog. He got a gigantic blue ox. He is responsible for digging lakes, laying miles of train track, cutting down, like, a million trees, and fathering all of Wisconsin’s children. If you doubt his existence, then ask yourself “Have I ever seen a lake or a person from Wisconsin?” Point proven.
38. Wilt Chamberlain – If Bunyan impregnated all of Wisconsin, Chamberlain is responsible for the entire western seaboard and probably a good portion of the eastern (depends on how many road trips they had back then). Rumored to have a dirty relationship count in the 5-6 digit range and scoring 3 digits in a single game? He’s a man among men and many, many, many women.
36. Evel Knievel – I once saw a guy hit himself in the scrotum for a bag of Doritos on a dare. That’s pretty tough. However, I never witnessed anyone except for Evel try to jump 13 city buses, break a pelvis, then walk to the podium to address the fans. If he had died during one of his jumps, then gotten up to talk to the audience after, he probably would have been bolted to number one. 37. Shirtless Football Fans –These guys go into the coldest places on the coldest day and wear nothing but a poorly painted, latex layer on them. They do this because they don’t have anything else to live for. That and the fact that what they do is just plain stupid keeps them from breaking into the top 25.
35. Jesus – See now, he did do the rise from the dead thing, but he never jumped a motorcycle over any buses. If only he and Evel had talked. Besides, based on all of the pictures I've seen, the guy was totally ripped too. 34. The Guys from Tyson’s Punchout – On average this little group isn’t all that tough. Glass Joe and Piston Honda really bring down the class. However, a cage match isn’t about your sissy mathematical averages. I can’t think of any group, save one that I would rather have in a Jets vs. Sharks style gang fight than the collective crew of Tyson’s Punchout. 33. Curt Schilling – No he isn’t the most intimidating pitcher in history. In fact, he’s not even an intimidating pitcher. But he is the only person who has a bloody piece of his wardrobe in the hall of fame. I watched him pull his foot off of his leg in the World Series, rub some dirt on it, and replace it so that he could go back to pitching.
32. Hulk Hogan – He is an icon, if not the icon, of professional wrestling. He is the toughest old guy, I’ve ever seen. Plus, I’ve never been scared of anyone in my whole life, except for one old girlfriend’s dad. He was a scary dude and once showed me his revolver. I would rather be caught behind his daughter than have to pick up Hogan’s for a church youth group event.
31. Johnny Unitas – It was a different time when Unitas was king of the quarterbacks. The recent discussions of “top 5 quarterbacks of all time” have been leaving him out, especially since Manning is now considered perfect. However, this guy used to wear fur coats on the sideline. He used to keep a woman in his locker at the stadium. He used to use a woman as a football while playing in fur pads. 30. Steve-O – Earlier I mentioned a guy I knew in high school who hit himself in the scrotum with a hammer. That was a big deal. That’s what Steve-O does for a living. Except sometimes instead of using a hammer he uses a snake. Some people think that skyscraper workers or crab fisherman have manly jobs. This guy lets snakes eat his groin for a job.
29. NHL Goalies – Remember how tough I said hockey players were? Well goalies to the same thing, except they don’t ever risk getting in fights. In exchange for that they get to jump in front of a black, rubber bullet flying at 130 miles per hour. Excuse me, 130 Canadian miles per hour.
28. Ty Webb – To be a man, you don’t have to have the ability to smash things with your head. It helps, no questions. But you could also just be smooth. Enter Ty Webb. Perhaps the most quoted character in history, his movie is actually part of the prerequisite for even being a man. 27. Mike Tyson – No one in the world is scarier than Mike Tyson: 1. He hit as hard as anyone in history. 2. He got a tattoo on his face, for no reason. 3. He spent time in jail. 4. He is completely out of his mind. 5. He threatened to eat children and stomp on their testicles. Even if I didn’t think he deserved a spot on this list, I’m too intimidated to not put him on it.
26. Zangeif (from Street Fighter) – Everyone else in the world of video games has special moves and blocks and all that. Zangeif simply walked up to people and squeezed them to death. Bears do that, not men. But we all know the formula: If A is more bear-like than B, then A is more man than B. That’s algebra one, brah. Also, he had a Mohawk, a chest scar, and resided in Russia.
25. Achilles – Perhaps the most controversial pick on this list, Achilles comes in at 25. Most would say that he deserved to be much higher, considering he only has one weakness and is responsible for at least 50% of all trips to the DL. However, he was played by Brad Pitt in the movie Troy. It’s sad when someone else representing you actually hurts your career. (See all Drew Rosenhaus clients). 24. Bill Braski – No one has ever even seen this guy. He is literally nothing but legend. One of those legends is that his “foreskin is used as a tarp over Yankee Stadium.” I’m not sure if that is cool or not, but I know that no woman would have a foreskin that big. Therefore, he is a true man.
23. Dennis Rodman – Including Navratilova, no one on this list could wear a dress and maintain the same level of masculinity. This guy is a true man, most of the time.
22. Bob Gibson – It’s been said a by multiple MLB players who hit against Gibson that his stuff was the greatest. They didn’t worry about the pitch as much as they did the snarl that Gibson gave them from the mound. He made his way to the hall of fame, essentially, on anger alone.
21. Joseph Kittinger – Look him up on wikipedia.org if you don’t know who he is. He basically parachuted from outside of the atmosphere. Yes, that is actually impossible. However, he was too manly to let the laws of physics and nature stop him. 20. Rocky Balboa – The tag for Rocky is “his whole life was a million to one shot.” Well, he took approximately a million shots. Listen to this resume. He beat more meat than anyone else. He fought Carl Weathers twice and (let’s be honest) won both times. He allowed Mr. T to beat on him for 15 rounds. He cried multiple times without us looking down on him. Oh yeah, and he stopped the Cold War single-handedly. Do I really need to argue this one.
19. Steve Irwin – Too soon? Too bad. This guy was famous for picking fights with animals. Let me write every script in his television career: “Hey, there’s a _________, the deadliest animal in the world. One look at it could kill an entire village. I’m going to dry hump it.” And talk about devotion, he gave everything for that show.
18. MagnusverMagnusson – He is the four time champion of the World’s Strongest Man title. For the love of all things holy, his title has the word man in it. He grunts more than Serena Williams, but – unlike her – he does it for a reason. That reason, of course, is that he is pulling a train.
17. Satan – Every girl I’ve ever talked to has claimed that the defining qualities of men are their pride and bullheadedness. This guy takes the cake. He’d rather spend eternity in hell, rather than just admit that he was a bad boy. Plus, it was his pride that got him there in the first place. Personally, I think SouthPark has taken a few too many liberties. I’ll bet he’s rough as hell – pun intended.
16. Walter Payton – Remember that time that Payton just ran right through a wall of defenders. Of course you don’t, because it was every play. He actually busted through literal walls, simply because he hated doors. The only player in NFL history to never be tackled, he scored on every single run. In his later years, the NFL made a temporary rule allowing defending teams to have 22 players on defense and each player could wear a bulldozer as a uniform. He also made the headband look, that's sweet, Sweetness.
15. William Wallace – The only reason William Wallace doesn’t make the top ten is the ridiculous amount of make-up he wore. And, honestly, blue wasn’t his color. Like, totally.
14. The 1993 Philadelphia Phillies – These guys were the fatest “athletes” ever to be decent at their respective sport. Plus they all had killer mustaches. Go look at their team photo. It looks like 25 buffalo wing-loving Burt Reynolds. Incidentally, this is the onlycollective group that I would take into a cage match over the crew from Tyson’s Punch Out. 13. Burt Reynolds – Every guy wants a mustache and every guy wants a mustache because of Burt Reynolds. He hurt his stock a little by being in commercials about being manly for Bud Light. A true man is stoic in nature and doesn’t talk about how much of a b.a. he is. Despite this transgression, he’s way up on the list. Did he invent the mustache or just perfect it?
12. Chuck Norris – A few years ago, Norris wouldn’t have even made this list, but then two things happened. The first was a group of people chose to write his unofficial biography, in a list form. Assuming all these facts are indeed facts, he is pretty rough. The second was that I saw Delta Force again.
11. Brett Favre – This one hurts, somehow, but it’s impossible to argue too much against it. He could be placed among the greatest quarterbacks of all time. He’s played professional football for 18 years and is coming back for another. He’s got a Super Bowl ring. Women from the ages of 8 to 85 melt when he comes in the room and he’s started roughly one gagillion games, despite playing on the concrete that is a frozen Lambo Field. He might be the only man who could walk up and steal Brad Pitt’s girl (sorry Tom Brady). 10. That Fat Guy that Gets Shot in the Gut with a Cannon – You’ve seen it on YouTube and commercials and all that. Come on, now, that would hurt like hell.
9. Ty Cobb – I don’t need to tell you his stats on the diamond. I’ll tell you what my grandfather told me. Ty Cobb used to sit on top of the visitor’s dugout and sharpen his metal spikes while staring at the catcher. When they made eye contact, he would spit. And that, as my grandpappy said, “is how the game is supposed to be played.” 8. Rulon Gardner – An amateur wrestler from the U.S., Gardner has overcome more than most. For example, he has a learning disability. Here’s another example, he was stuck in the snow for an extended period of time before being rescued and had to have half of his foot removed. He refused pain medication before, during, or after the operation. Why? Because it would make him tougher. No big deal. That’s just another day for him.
7. Keith Richards – Jesus made this list because he cheated death. Well, I’m pretty sure that Keith Richards has risen from the dead everyday for the last twenty years. Plus, he gave us Brown Sugar and (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.
6. Rodney Dangerfield – Every guy I’ve ever known has complained about his wife and job and life in general. Dangerfield did it for a living. If I didn’t put him in the top 10, then I would have been doing the same as everyone else and given him (fill in his famous phrase here.)
See how you knew it?
5. Mohammad Ali – Yes, he hit hard. Yes, he talked smooth. Yes, he’s the greatest boxer of all time. That alone would make him a legend. But this guy developed, as a strategy, the concept of letting someone else beat on you until they were tired. On top of that, he called it the “rope-a-dope," as if they were the stupid ones.
4. Mas Oyana – One of the only truly famous legitimate martial artists, Mas Oyana could kick everyone’s ass. Everyone’s, ever, combined. He trained for years, then decided it wasn’t enough. So he took nothing except a pot and a book to a mountain and lived there for two years. During this time he trained for 14 hours a day (by lifting large rocks and fighting trees) and meditated for the rest of the time. He then came down from the mountain, won the most prestigious fighting tournament in the world and decided it wasn’t good enough. He spent another year and a half on the mountain.
Need I go on?
3. Babe Ruth – Everyday for Babe was eat, drink, sex, eat, eat, play game, sex, eat, DRINK. Despite the above less-than-athletic training regiment, he held baseball records in pitching and hitting up until just a few years years (Steroids anyone?). He saved baseball from scandal and cheating and had a CandyBar named after him. Without Babe Ruth, there would be no movie The Sandlot. Even to this day, despite death, he beats the Red Sox. Sure they won one, but my guess was that Ruth was nursing a nurse and a hangover when that happened.
2. Chris Nilan – The only individual hockey player on this list, Nilan is in a class all by himself. He holds the record for highest per game average for penalty minutes at 4.42. In a single game, was actually accumulated 42 penalty minutes. He was nicknamed “Knuckles” by people who play the toughest sport in the world. For the love of Christ, HE SCARED HOCKEY PLAYERS! He actually wasn’t any good at the game, they were just too afraid to cut him.
1. Al Bundy – I’m not sure if he invented sarcasm, putting hands in one’s pants, being lazy, cursing, nagging your wife, watching sports, smelling bad, and complaining about everything in life (particularly family and job). If he didn’t invent it, he made it cool and taught me how to do all those things. He probably wouldn’t win in a fight, but no man with any self respect wouldn’t hit him anyway, out of reverence.
All hail Al, King of the Men.
So there it is, the top 50 manliest men of all time. Let the debate begin. You can try to argue with me if you want, but I’ve studied each and every one of the members of the above list and I’ve learned that no man would ever admit that he was wrong. None-the-less, if you have an issue with it, e-mail me at adamcbriner@yahoo.com
The following is a brief list of honorable mentions: Dolf Lungren, Bruce Lee, Vietnam Vets, Jean Claude Van Damme, Maximus, Casey at the Bat, Jessee Owens, Jackie Robinson, Brian Boytano, Robin Hood, Air Bud, Walter Matthua, Julio Franco, Brian Urlacher, Home Plate Umpires, Pete Rose, and John Amaechi.
The Bulls started off with an absolute drubbing of the defending champs, which perpetuated the hype built during the pre-season. Thanks mostly in part to the Ben Wallace signing, as well as the further maturation of the big three, some pundits had the Bulls positioned as darkhorse candidates for the Eastern Conference crown. After the 42 point win against a full strength Heat team, the Bulls went from an outside candidate to a definite contender for the conference.
Things went sour pretty quickly after that win, as they lost 9 of 13 games in the month of November. The Bulls struggled on their annual West Coast trip, going without a win. They closed that trip with a 15 point loss at the Philadephia Iversons (this was prior to the trade) and their first road win of the season at the friendly confines of Madison Square Garden. That was their first road win in 9 tries. (I think Isiah Thomas feels bad about that whole walking off the court incident back during his playing days and has been trying to make it up to the Bulls ever since his arrival in New York. I can’t think of another explanation of why he continually helps the Bulls, other than pure incompetence.)
After such a rough November, people hopped off the Bulls bandwagon as quickly as they had jumped on it after the Heat game. The thing that people didn’t realize is that early season struggles were to be expected. I had high hopes for the Bulls with regards to the whole season, but I figured there would be some growing pains at the start. First off, the Bulls were expected to be good for the first time since the Jordan years. By good, I don’t just mean an above .500 club, but a team that would make the playoffs and could do some damage. For most players on the team, these types of expectations were brand new, which would invariably have some sort of affect. Second, and much more importantly, there was a TON of turnover after the previous season. Yes, the Bulls kept their big three as well as Duh and Noc, but there were still 7 new additions to the team (PJ, Big Ben, TT, Khryapa, Adrian Griffin, Thabo, and Andre Barrett). It takes time for so many players to get into the swing of thing. Granted, besides Wallace and PJ (post-media whining) those other guys didn’t start, but still as a team I reckon it took the Bulls awhile (a month or so) to get fully into the swing of things.
Combined with a home-and-home series win of the Knicks at the end of November, the Bulls won 12 of 13 games. Looking back, that month was kind of weird. The Bulls were racking up wins against, to put it nicely, not exactly the fiercest of competition. There was a fragile sense of optimism again to counter the feeling of despair as the Bulls stumbled through November. The thing that made the month doubly weird was that December was the peak of the Ben Gordon coming off the bench experiment. Throughout the month he started only 1 game, while Noc and Duh were in the starting lineup instead. It was shockingly effective as both Noc and BG lit it up. After Noc’s injury people forgot just how good he could be, but he really helped the Bulls during that stretch. From the start of December until Noc’s last game in the starting lineup January 11, he averaged 17.3 ppg and 6.5 rpg which is puuurdy damn good. That’s part of the reason why I’m not so ready to dump Noc (unless it’s in a package for a center); his post injury numbers made him look a lot worse than he really is. Over that same span Gordon scored 23.7 ppg, which is higher than his season average of 21.4. It was an interesting make Gordon the 6th man again, but leave it to Skiles to explore all possible avenues for success. (Read the rest at Running With the Bulls)
RIVALFISH'S 11 BEST SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON INTROS OF ALL TIME
by Jonah Ansell, Rivalfish Producer
What happens when the rise of Kenny Loggins and Ronald Reagan-esque commercialism meet the creative expressiveness of the Rocky Montage? The Saturday morning cartoon intro.
Despite the best efforts of the popular D.A.R.E. campaign and Nancy Reagan's infamous efforts to teach kids to "Just Say No!," the War on Drugs didn't have a chance. Why? Because in the 1980s and early 1990s, the most popular Saturday Morning TV cartoons across the country were being created by stoners.
These zany, high concept premises could only be conceived and cleverly captured in an action packed one-minute cartoon intro by America's most elevated creative minds. It's scary to realize just how easily a jazzy musical score and overtly expositional lyrics could trick us into suspending our disbelief. Sure, they had roots in the earlier intros of the 1960s' classics (i.e. The Flinstones and The Jetsons). But, the technological advances since Star Wars and the stylized execution of high concept movies such as Weird Science and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure gave high concept cheesiness a mainstream fanbase.
This is not a popularity contest nor a cheap forum to praise the once popular TV shows that have recently enjoyed a retro-cool appeal. So you'll see some notable shows missing from this list. We can only select the best of the best, the highest of the high. These are the eleven best cartoon intros that stoned minds dared create. (No derivative shows were considered - i.e. Muppet Babies or DarkWing Duck or James Bond Jr.). Shows were judged by calculating the "stonerness" of the premise and for how well this premise was weaved into the visual and verbal exposition of the intro, rather than simply speaking it in a voiceover. Stay tuned for the worst ever winner at the very bottom.
11. Gummi Bears
Premise: Anthropomorphic Bears bounce around in Medieval Times. Enough said.
10. Inspector Gadget
Premise: A clumsy detective with a body like a Swiss army knife fights against the evil Dr. Claw, relying on his bodily contraptions and the brains of his niece Penny, and her futuristic problem solving computer book. I still think of this show intro every time I hear an ambulance.
9. Denver the Last Dinosaur
Premise: Four skateboarding/BMX riding teens happen upon a dinosaur egg that has survived into present day. To their surprise, the dinosaur that hatches from this egg speaks English. And what would you do if you found such a dinosaur? Why name him Denver, teach him to skateboard, get him a part in your metal band, and allow him to use pieces of his egg shell to travel the tubes of time, of course. View this classic video below but for a better version of the lyrics, click here.
8. Duck Tales
Premise: Follow the trials and tribulations of Scrooge McDuck and his three nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie - as they fend off attacks from greedy villains who attempt to steal Scrooge's riches. Drawn by an animation company known as Cuckoo's Nest studios, I have no doubts that druggies were behind this catchy jingle and these friendly duck faces.
7. Widget the World Watcher
Premise: Widget is a pint-sized purple alien from the Horsehead Nebula, who has the ability to morph into anything -- and guess how this do-gooder used his powers? To save the earth. Not save the earth in the traditional "good versus evil" fashion, featured in so many comic books and cartoons, but rather, to save nature from its predators. Deforestation, pollution, etc. Some might argue this show is derivative, because it shares many similarities with Captain Planet (also featured on this list). However, the musical homage to Gary Wright's Dream Weaver (around 00:51) gives this show intro a wonderful lasting power and though unknown to a larger audience, this jingle is a force to be reckoned with.
Premise: In the early 1980s, Prince Adam was transformed into the superhero He-Man, sending kids in suburban living rooms nationwide screaming to their moms "I have the power!" But it wasn't only He-Man who was transformed. His cowardly cat morphed into Battle Cat, just in time for he and his friends to defend Eternia and the secrets of Castle Grayskull from Skeletor. The intro is a little talky for my liking, but some fantastic imagery and the character introductions still stand strong.
5. Smurfs
Premise: Little blue creatures who live in mushroom houses somewhere in the hills of Europe. They fend off the evil Gargamel. They weren't saving the world, rather, they simply wanted to maintain the Smurf status quo. Not to be confused with this feel-good derivative show, The Snorks.
4. Captain Planet
Premise: With the world on the verge of apocalypse, five teens from the corners of the Earth come together to summon the power of Captain Planet. These do-gooders fight the evil pollutionists, something that Al Gore would tell you isn't as far fetched as you might've once thought.
3. Transformers
Premise: Before this show was appropriated by 21st century hipsters as a retro cool conversational reference point, Transformers hailed from Cybertron and, as in most other shows, there was a clear divide between good and evil. Optimus Prime led the Autobots while the evil Megatron led the Decepticons. Chances are that Rev. Ted Haggard would be considered a Decepticon, though he would claim to be totally cured of it.
2. ThunderCats
Premise: Lion-O and the rest of the gang take on the demonic wizard Mumm-Ra on a planet known as Third Earth, which many viewers believe to be a futuristic version of our Earth. No word if Jackass' Steve-O sees himself as a modern day Lion-O type figure, but there is just simply so much packed into this show that you have to read about it in full here.
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Premise: Four anthropomorphic turtle mutants named after famous Italian artists are trained by their Sensai, an anthropomorphic rat named Master Splinter, to become -- what else? -- skilled ninja warriors. Sure, Shredder and the Foot Soldiers are an interesting concept for the "bad guys," but mix in the Turtles' penchant for eating pizza doused in peanut butter and the Turtles occasionally slipping into Dimension X to fight Crang, an evil brain who walks around in a robotic human suit, and you've got yourself a full-fledged stoner comedy and of course, the best show open of all time.
And the worst Saturday Morning cartoon intro of all time goes to:
ProStars, a short-lived 1992 series that featured Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky doing good for the sake of kids, apparently. This is what happens when weed isn't involved, and you have three sports agents create a show in a Madison Avenue conference room.
"Check out Rivalfish's new BFF, the one and only Pop Jalopy. He lives in Florida but knows Chicago sports twice as well as any of us. He's generally smarter than us, his interests are more well-rounded, and his wife is surely more beautiful and understanding than any of our furture mail-order brides most-likely will be. So check him out on Rivalfish a couple of times a week, but more importantly, check him out at www.popjalopy.blogspot.com whenever you're feeling the itch. No, not the itch you got from your roommate's girlfriend's slutty little sister.
by Mark Tribbia, aka Pop Jalopy, mark.tribbia@podcom.tv
The Who, forty years ago, created the BabyBoomer attitude that remains fervently instilled in that generation today.
Personally, I was not a big fan of The Who's music, certainly not as big an admirer as the producers of the CSI juggernaut are. I felt the Who had their time and place, from 1967 to 1975, and should have stayed retired in 1982 when they were past their prime and without their drummer.
But with songs like My Generation and We're Not Gonna Take It, The Who claimed the Boomers as their own and set the tone. It was a confrontational mindset they preached - angry, manic and dissatisfied - reflective of the times.
On the other hand, their contemporaries, The Doors wanted listeners to follow them through life in a misty SoCal haze of mystery. They were the door to a better world. They wanted you to follow them, to break on through with them. I thought that the Doors were the bomb.
I mention these two iconic groups today for the following reasons.
1) Today, the BabyBoomers are taking The Who's message to heart. We aren't gonna take it, specifically, we may be getting older, but we're not going to go into our doddering years meekly. If it takes daily megadoses of glucosamine, .81mg aspirin, weigh training, laser eye surgery, hair extensions, triple bypasses, hormone replacement therapy, acupuncture, spa weekends, whatever... the Baby Boomers are going to fight father time like no other generation has. They aren't gonna take it, this idea of getting old and looking it.
2) I mention the Doors because of a trip to PetSmart yesterday. It was Adopt a Pet weekend at the Countryside Petsmart and in celebration, a 60's revival band was stationed in front of the building, along with a customized T-Shirt selling van.
As I exited the store, the band had just struck up their rendition of the Door's song, Twentieth Century Fox. And there I paused, transfixed in the Florida sunshine, frozen in time and place, holding a forty pound bag of dog food.
How had it come to this? Four gray/bald men, instruments in hand, singing a 40 year old song written by a 25 year old regarding his fantasies toward a young LA starlet. Meanwhile, a German Shepherd relieved himself against the gutter behind the drummer. A spotted terrier snarled at a grey poodle - their owners smile to hide embarrassment. A shopping cart escaped free into the gulf breeze and rammed into the bass player.
The Montana State Football Team Makes the Cincinnati Bengals Look Like Humanitarians
"So angry he celebrated Christmas by taking pictures of dad's across the country putting the presents under the tree, and then taping them to the foreheads of sleeping babes, only to end up fucking ruining belief in Santa Claus for millions. Check him out at www.theangryt.com" - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com
By now, you have all heard about the Cincinnait Bengals lovable bank of felons that galavant around the city getting arrested and starting trouble. In fact, Bengals Linebacker A.J. Nicholson was arrested yesterday on a domestic violence charge. That being said, the Bengals are a bunch of pussies compared to Montana State University. You know how they say, “Everything is Bigger in Montana,” well that also applies to rap sheet of MSU’s football team.
The Bobcats don’t mess around with the petty stuff, like domestic violence, or giving alcohol to minors like those pussy Bengals. The latest arrest of a Montata State player involves former wide receiver Rick Gatewood who is accused of using his athletic scholarship money to traffic cocaine from California in the Bozeman, Montana area. That arrest makes A.J. Nicholson looks like a boy scout. Gatewood was the sixth former Montana State athlete arrested or charged with crimes involving drugs or murder in the past year. That’s right folks, the Bobcats don’t limit their aggression to the football field, just like any good band of criminals.
Montana State Andre Fuller is being investigated because he allegedly sold cocaine to an informant last June. Wide receivers Edward Sullivan and Derrick Davis, Jr. were just trying to fit in when they got busted for selling drugs last summer. Also last June, former player John Lebrum and Bobcat basketball player Branden Miller were charged with murder and kidnapping in the death of another drug dealer. I know Montana is boring, but do you really need this many drugs to make it fun. The answer is probably yes, but that still seems like a lot of people selling drugs for a state with a population of 915 people. The icing on the felony cake is that assistant football coach Joe O’ Brien was sentenced to four years in prison for his role in a methamphetamine distribution conspiracy.
As a result of these six arrests, two for selling drugs, two for trafficking drugs, and two for murder, Montana State head coach Mike Kramer is being let go. What get’s lost in all this legal mumbo jumbo is that the Bobcats posted their first postseason win in 22 years when they beat Furman 31-13 in the Division I-AA championships last fall. They finished last season 8-5 and were ranked 10th in NCAA Football Championship Subdivision, whatever the hell that means. Get your priorities straight Montana State, do you want to win or not, because this Kramer character is a winner. It’s like Stalin said, you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs, and in this case the eggs are felony charges and the omelet is the winning program, I think.
"Stop me if you've heard this one. Brilliant kid with a sharp wit and a keen ear for China Cat Sunflower -> I Know You Rider spends college indulging in the culture-rich counterculture of our parents' time in the Sun. His drug of choice is safe and legal if you have glaucoma in Humboldt rather than carteled by a power-hungry bloc. His favorite writer scribes his ramblings in an altered state for others in an altered state, and he wants to someday relay his head-full of social satire and Big Ten tales to in tune fellows young and old. He's good people, and good people get where they're going. But first he has to work for some wicked insurance benefits and something called a "pension" teaching America's Dbag high school kids. So for now it's their strange and terrible saga he'll tell." - Tello Real
by The Gentle Samoan aka Homeroom Gonzo
In a sea of empty noise, he stood silent. Head tilted, chin nearly touching the knot of his tie, the principal’s eyes purveyed the familiar scene of stoned adolescence. The school of teens surged in all directions, a fluid body of foreplay and machismo. A cacophony of cat calls and slurs, colloquial yet timeless.
It was the final twenty minutes of Winston Bell’s tenure as administrator. Despite the ocean of violence rushing headlong toward his solitary shore, he was as serene as Siddhartha . A hangdog smile, perfected over the course of nineteen predictable years, curled itself satisfactorily on his countenance.
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“Where your eyes look, there your heart will be,” Deacon Howard wondered aloud, staring starry-eyed at Tara Easley. Deacon was madly in love.
The room exploded in laughter. Tara blushed violently, hiding her head in her sweater. White trash wannabe gangsters wasted no time.
“Wha’ tha fuck you sayin’?!” “Oh shit, I knew he’s a fuckin, faggot, but a retart, too?”
“Re-ta-ta-TA-AWRTED!”
The three thugs jump excitedly in their formica seats. The spittle resting on their lips reminded Deacon of the foamy tides of his home.
“I believe you mean to say reTARDed,” gushed the kid they called Deek the Geek. He said it without condescension or malice. Deacon Howard just wanted to be liked. He loved people, even the sadists who vilified his vivaciousness. Deek the Geek was the most popular kid in the entire school. An object of pity and loathing, Deek the Geek was everything his principal forgot how to be.
Women Don't JUST Cook Thanksgiving Dinner: TOP 5 FEMALE ATHLETES
by Zach Crantz, zcrantz@gmail.com
5.) NANCY LOPEZ
I had originally reserved this fifth place spot for Jim Edmonds. But something gave me the feeling that she wouldn’t want to be included on this list; so, instead I’ll rant and rave about --who I think is-- the queen of the LPGA: Nancy Lopez.Before I do that ranting and raving I’d like to point how fundamentally flawed the “LPGA” has been since its very inception.The name for the insanely frustrating sport commonly referred to simply as “golf” originates from the acronym “G.O.L.F.” This historically outdated acronym actually stands for ‘Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.’So, with that being said and properly digested, the “Ladies Professional ‘Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden’ Association” makes about as much sense as a condom that is specifically designed to increase the chances on conception.
Anyways, thank god Domingo Lopez’s rubber broke because his admirably patient and insanely athletic daughter captains golf’s estrogen bandwagon.She has a total of 48 LPGA victories; as far as I know, she has never won the U.S. Open but has finished second four times.Seeing as Nancy Lopez is mother to “Dancing with the Stars’” runner-up Mario Lopez, I guess her second place finishes really come as no big surprise. Maybe they should just swap sports (yes, if E. Smith is involved then even dance becomes a sport).By the way, I didn’t fact check the Mario/Nancy relationship but it seems highly likely that they’re mother and son because they both have dark hair and the same last name.Oh and they both still wear visors.
4.) ANNA KOURNIKOVA and MARIA SHARAPOVA
This is the battle of the ‘ova.’ It’s a good thing Jay-Z doesn’t play tennis, otherwise, things would get that much more confusing. One of these blondes is hotter than the other and one is better at tennis than the other; so, here’s an inevitable two-way tie between these foreign tennis stars.Cheers to these two athletic young women and imagining them braiding each other’s hair and talking about politics and what collective strives they can take towards world peace one backhand stroke at a time.Seriously, these women are probably better than most men at one or two sports other than tennis and they reportedly hate blue balls. They hate blue balls so much that they recently publicly denounced them as a mockery to all racquet sports.Honestly, how could someone not love these girls?
3.) The WILLIAMS SISTERS
Here’s another two-way tie between two more phenomenal tennis women.One of them usually finishes better than the other.But one of them parties harder, so once again there’s an inevitable tie. Serena and Venus somehow make tennis more of a guy’s sport. Watching them play is not only tantalizing… it’s actually entertaining too. As opposed to making tennis more effeminate (Sampras), the Williams sisters somehow make tennis more masculine.The truth is these two women could each beat my ass so I figured I better add them in.
2.) DANICA PATRICK
Danica is proof that women really can drive without a man in the passenger seat slamming on the imaginary brakes every two minutes. To all of the husbands, brothers, sons, fathers, and etc of the world: here is a woman that could teach us a few things about driving… or at least teach us about looking good while driving.She is the living/breathing Lindsay Lohan of racecar driving.I had no idea that the Herby Fully-Loaded movie was based on a true story until I did a little research about female athletes. Danica, is that cute little car as nice as it seems in real life? And why didn’t they give him more lines?
1.) MIA HAMM
For those of you who go out of your way to blatantly ignore female athletes, soccer, or maybe even both: Mia Hamm is the Michael Jordan of women’s soccer.She is also living authentication that every football player I've ever talked to about soccer is actually correct… Soccer is a girl’s sport. Not because it is for pansies, but rather, because this young lady absolutely owns it. Hamm is soccer. She made her first World Cup appearance when she was a mere 15 years old. So while I was busy trying to cover up a few zits with tinted Clearasil acne cream (which my high school friends, still to this day, swear was just makeup) this athletic freak of nature was playing amongst some of the best female athletes in the world.I’m blushing and cursing my sophomore year of high school simultaneously as I type right now (Get it? ‘blushing’). Anyways, I don’t want to steal Mia’s limelight right now. She is a true woman amongst women; therefore, she finds herself in the No. 1 slot of my list of discussion-worthy female athletes. I also just found out she was born on St. Patrick’s Day which makes her even cooler; yet, sadly confirms the suspicion that she really is just plain lucky after all.
See ladies. This wasn’t so disrespectful, was it? I bit my tongue all over this article; a couple of times I bit it so hard that blood actually shot out and splattered all over my computer screen. For example, at one point I was going to say that Venus Williams should be called “Venis” because she has a vagina/penis hybrid; but then I bit my tongue.I then realized how stupid I was to be biting
"So angry that he alone is responsible for ruining the belief of Santa Claus in millions of children - celebrating Christmas by taking pictures of dads putting presents under the tree accross the country, and taping the evidence to the foreheads of sleeping babies. Check him out at www.theangryt.com"
