LADIES LOVE OBSCURE RIVALRIES: Cubs v. Sox '07 (Part 2)

by Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

For the interleague battle last year I wrote an article featuring breaking down both fan bases (http://www.rivalfish.com/rivalroom/2006/06/ladies-love-obscure-rivalries-cubs.html). Sox and Cubs fans hate each other and I strongly advise you to read last years article (linked above) to understand why.

Given that both teams blow this year, I have decided to evaluate which team is currently better off and what the weekend Windy City series will be like. Also, I will give a little advice on what each team can do to make the series more watchable.

Making the playoffs: The Cubs are currently 5 games under (32-37) and the Sox are 10 games under (29-39), but the Cubs have roughly a 1,000,000 times better chance of making the playoffs. This is simply because the Sox are 10 games behind the 1^st place Cleveland Indians in arguably the best division in all of baseball, and the Cubs are 7 games behind (6 in the loss column) the 1^st place Milwaukee Brewers in unarguably the worst division in baseball. Since you play teams in your division the most, the Cubs will continually play crappy teams. For example the only above .500 team the Cubs play in the next month is the team they are chasing, the Milwaukee Brewers. The Sox are currently in the easiest part of their schedule (next 16 games against under .500 teams), but they have to play 12 straight games in July against the 3 of the 4 best teams in the American League.

The fact remains that both teams blow. I am not quite sure which team blows more (we will find out this weekend), but they definitely both blow. However, the entire Cubs division blows which gives them an outside chance of making the playoffs.

The Weekend Series: With Aramis Ramirez on the DL and Derek Lee possibly suspended for the entire series (depending on when the appeal is heard), the Sox find themselves facing an already crappy team without their 3 and 4 hitters. The Cubs trying to score runs without Lee and Ramirez is like the U.S. Government trying to stop a terrorist attack without the help of Jack Bauer. However, Cubs ace pitcher, Carlos Zambrano, holds a better batting average (.273) than everybody on the Sox with the exception of Jim Thome (.288). The ChiSox currently rank dead last in the entire MLB in hits, runs, batting average, and on-base percentage. I would look for a total of 12 runs to be scored the entire series.

Fight more: Sox, take a cue from the Cubs. The Cubs blow, but they have me watching every game because there is 50/50 shot that somebody is getting punched. The Cubs don’t even give a shit if they fight each other or the other team. It is like Pinella sat the whole team down and showed them Slapshot, and then said “if we follow this movie we will keep our fans.” However, losing Barrett might have ended fights in the dugout and clubhouse. It is times like this when somebody else on the roster has to step up and become the new clubhouse cancer.

So, Sox fans, go back to being your old trashy-selves. Stab a coach, attack an umpire, stop believing that dinosaurs ever existed, and don’t pay a child support or two.

Here are few examples of what the Sox and Cubs can do to get fans back watching again:

1. Bobby Jenks, start being an alcoholic again: Go back to being the guy that drank so much that even throwing 102mph didn’t stop the Angles from releasing you. We want the guy who got demoted from AA to A ball in 2002 for repeatedly sneaking beer into the clubhouse and getting into barroom brawls. We want u back in the AA that most sox fans should be in. That is the kind of guy that Sox fans can relate with. Bobby, fire a fastball at Soriano and start a bench clearing brawl. That is the only way this series will be entertaining.
2. Derek Lee, keep this new badass image: D-Lee was known around baseball as a class-act, and was viewed as one of the most complete players in all of baseball. D-Lee keep the on-field dominance up, but keep this new badass thing going. However there are a couple things you need to work on: a.) punching (a blind person could have seen that haymaker coming you threw at Chris Young), b.) go after smaller guys (Chris Young is 6’10” – 260lbs, you don’t want to fuck with him).
3. Carlos Zambrano, keep on being crazy: Don’t stop with Michael Barrett, fight other underachieving players on the Cubs roster. Look at how fast you got Barrett off the roster. The fans will stay on your side as long as you only fight Jacque Jones, Mark Prior, and Scott Eyre. In fact you can go ahead and kill Jones, Prior, and Eyre, so the Cubs can dump their untradable-salaries. Also, keep fist-pumping on second inning strikeouts against the Pirates, taking off your belt in bench clearing brawls, and referring to yourself in the 3^rd person.
4. Ozzie Guillen, keep talking to the media: Call somebody else a fag. Don’t stop with Jay Mariotti.
5. Mark Buehrle, stop being ugly: This has nothing to do with baseball, but people would be able to see how great of a starting pitcher you are if you would just keep that ratty facial hair under control. You have 7^th graders turning into potheads to avoid puberty because they are afraid their facial hair will turnout like yours.
6. A.J. Pierzynski, keep being an asshole: Since you are already the most hated man in baseball by other Major Leaguers, you just have to keep doing your thing. Controversy will find you.
7. Lou Pinella, keep being crazy: If they suspended you for 4 games for kicking dirt on an umpire, imagine what they would do if you actually hit an umpire. If you keep going nuts you will get a lot of vacation days and the fans will love you. Sounds like a win-win.