AN OPEN LETTER to JDATE.COM FROM A PARTIAL JEW

Jewish singles do not fret. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is JDate.com. First of all it is nice to know that non-Jews aren't the only ones who refer to Jewish people as "J's." I am sure this comes as a huge relief to the New Testament believers who thought that expression may have been racist.

As I am sure you have already concluded, JDate is an online service for Jewish singles to find each other and have a little fun. Or as their trademark slogan says, "JDate. Where it happens." So, lonely Jews, your Yiddish (or is it Hebrew) prayers have been answered.

As a half breed myself (my mom is a Jew and my dad is a Christian/Dago) I am torn by this site. When I am usually at a bar I flip-flop religions based off the girl I am talking to. If it is a Christian girl, I am complaining to her about how the body of Christ tastes like cardboard and that Mrs. O'Brien likes the blood of JC a little too much. If I am approached by a Jewish girl I point at my nose and ask her if she wants to go make her grandparents happy.

Now JDate.com has made me realize that the cyber world is a harsh world in which everyone has to pick a religion. It is just a matter of time before the Christian branches start their own online dating base. As technology moves forward what happens to us religious mutts? I feel like a man without a country...

Now my question to JDate.com is where do us partial Jews fit? Are we allowed to use JDate.com? Do I have to sing an awkward prayer in Hebrew to prove that I had Bar mitzvah? What if I never got passed around in a chair when I was 13 while David Sandberg's awkward 17 year old brother was DJing in the background (it was his first big gig)? Since I have never gone to Jewish sleep-away camp or done Birthright Israel, do I drop from ½ Jewish to a ¼ Jewish?

Since I am going to law school next year, will that make me Jewish enough to use your singles network? What if I cut the bills off of all my baseball hats, and starting referring to Messiah believers as Goys? What if my dad quit his job as a union construction worker and became a Hollywood Movie Producer?

JDate.com, what if you guys let me use the online dating service, but I can only date or "have fun" with Jewish girls whose grandparents have already passed away? That sounds like a good deal. If there is one thing I know, it is that Jewish grandparents do not want Goys or ½ Goys de-purifying their bloodline.

Look, JDate.com, grab us mutts right now before the Christians start their online dating service and snag us up. Let's face it, there are more people who read the holy book than the holy scroll, so you are going to need all the people you can get. What if I throw in full breeds Jonah (Rivalfish Co-Creator) and Pete (Rivalfish Intern), and then will you accept me?

JDate.com let me know what decision you have made. I already took my picture in a Sandy Koufax jersey, and settled on an Andy Samberg line from Lazy Sunday as my favorite quote to put in my profile ("Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = crazy delicious"). The ball is in your court...

Yours truly,

Dan "Pizza Bagel" Raspatello (or Raspastein if you play your cards right)