Handicapping the Newest Batch of NFL Criminals

"So angry that he alone is responsible for ruining the belief of Santa Claus in millions of children - celebrating Christmas by taking pictures of dads putting presents under the tree accross the country, and taping the evidence to the foreheads of sleeping babies. Check him out at www.theangryt.com" - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com

We have already said farewell to our boy Pac-Man Jones. We wish him the best in prison. Tank Johnson is gonzo as well, released by the Bears. Sadly, he will probably take year off and eventually sign with the Raiders, but not before he has vowed to change his life. Chris Henry is still around, at least for now, so we can still hope for some hilarious crime against humanity from him.

But with these powerhouses of criminality potentially fading in oblivion, we need to look to the future. It is time to handicap who we can expect to step up their game and move into the stratosphere of athlete/criminals. It is won’t be easy for anyone to fill these guys’ shoes. It will take a terrible attitude toward their fellow man, an unwillingness to listen to authority, and an outright refusal to change their behavior despite disciplinary action from their professional sports league, or the state.

Below are the five most likely candidates to rocket into super-stardom among professional sports criminal elite.

5. Brandon Meriweather – This guy definitely has the opportunity to do something special at the next level. In his young career, he has already been involved in a shooting, where a teammate was shot in the ass. Brandon showing the grit, determination and criminal aptitude that make him special, immediately returned fire with a handgun he just happened to be carrying. Brandon was also involved in that classy FIU – Miami brawl. You may remember him as the guy who took of his helmet and starting hitting FIU players with it. Oh don’t remember that one? Well he was also the guy cleating FIU players who were on the ground. He was the 24^th pick so he will have enough money to get him into a whole heap of trouble. Brandon comes in at five because I really hope he turns it all around, unless he plans to do something really ridiculous, in which case I hope he doesn’t turn over a new leaf.

4. David Kircus – “Circus Kircus,” as he called by those who remember him from his days at Grand Valley State (make sure you scroll down and check out his junior and senior year statistics), just can’t seem to stay out of trouble. First, he got picked up for DUI while he played for the Lions. Presumably, he did this so he would be able to get off the Lions, which worked, because they released him. In 2005, he worked at a Subway, in his native town of Imlay City. You would think this would scare him straight, well, you would be wrong. Apparently nothing scares Kircus, because he punched a man in the face at a party, and shattered several bones in his face. Kircus was charged with second degree assault and allegedly pleaded with the judge to let him leave the state and drink alcohol over the Memorial Day holiday. This cat has all the tell tale signs of someone who is going to do something really stupid, and really illegal really soon. Apparently working at Subway wasn’t so bad if he is so eager to get released by the Broncos. Viva the Sandwich Artist David, and don’t let anyone tell you aren’t a real artist, what you do with the Italian Vinaigrettea is nothing short of magical.

3. Terrence Kiel – If you want to talk criminal upside, this guy has got it. Terrence was charged with drug trafficking ;last year after he reported sent two bottle of prescription cough syrup to Texas. At first I thought this guy was soft for sending couch syrup and not crack or heroin, but it turns out that selling prescription cough syrup, called “lean” on the street, is a burgeoning criminal enterprise. I applaud this guy for getting in on the ground floor of a new crime. This shows criminal determination and heart, something that is sorely needed now that Pac-Man and Tank are gone for the foreseeable future. Thankfully, Terrence will avoid jail because of a sweet deal by the prosecutor. Make sure you read that article, especially the part about Terrence getting picked up for urinating in public two weeks before his court date where he was set to accept this deal. Didn’t I tell you this guy was special?

2. Eddie Griffin – I include Eddie Griffin just so I can mention that last summer, he hit a parked car while drive drunk and watching porn. That is so unbelievable that he may have something even more unbelievable up his sleeve. “I think I’ll get drunk and drive,” said Eddie. “I think I’ll get drunk and drive and watch some porn,” said Eddie. “I think I’ll get drunk, drive, watch porn, masturbate, and hit a parked car,” said Eddie. Those thoughts have never entered my mind, but I bet my life would be several times more exciting if they did on a regular basis.

1. Fred Evans – Fred sits at the top of the list for two very important reasons which I think earmark him for success as a criminal. First and foremost, Evans was involved in an altercation with a cab driver last weekend and had to be subdued by the use of a taser. It took not one, but TWO tasers to take the big man down. That’s 100,000 volts of electricity folks, this is a tough man. The second thing that makes this guy great is that Fred is currently on probation from a marijuana charge in Texas. To be a great criminal, you have to completely disregard reason. Reason would lead you to curtail actions like bar-fights because you are on probation, and you don’t want to be suspended and lose your job. Fred just doesn’t care it seems, and that’s what makes him so great and his upside so high. So go on Fred, fight the good fight, and carry the torch Adam and Tank.

The Angry T