TOP FIVE ATHLETIC PERFORMANCES by KIDS IN FILM

by Andy Green, altgreen16@hotmail.com

5. Henry Roengardner – Rookie of the Year(1993)
Roengardner made history by becoming the youngest player ever to reach the Major Leagues. His 100+ mph fastball, combined with the fact that the Cubs had yet another horrendous team, must have overruled all child labor laws. And that's not to mention those of Major League Baseball forbidding the signing of anyone under the age of 17 (the director chose to omit this scene from the film because it would have been common sense to all the viewers). Roengardner proceeds to become an absolute stud and fan favourite as the Cubs’ closer, which inspires the entire team to play better and win the division. He even struck out Barry Bonds, Bobby Bonilla and Pedro Guerrero (seriously, why the hell was he chosen as the other All-Star? The average kid seeing the movie had no idea who Guerrero was. This is even more questionable than the inclusion of Dave Magadan in Little Big League).

With a resumè this impressive, you would think that Roengardner should top this list. However, he drops to number 5 because he was clearly on steroids. When he broke his arm, the doctor gave him some B-12 shots and a cream to rub on it daily to accelerate the “healing process”. Seriously – one day he’s the goat of his little league team, unable to reach the cutoff man from right field, and the next day he’s lighting up the radar guns. Rumor has it that former Cub Rafael Palmeiro saw this movie 3,000 times in the theater.

4. Charlie Conway – The Mighty Ducks(1992)
For now we’ll pretend that this king of the ice did not hang up his skates to float around Dawson’s Creek. But in the early 90s, who didn’t idolize Conway and try to imitate the Triple Deke? He helped his coach overcome his old demons and showed capable leadership of the Flying V offense.

3. Becky “Icebox” O’Shea – Little Giants(1994)
She may not have been all that hot, but Icebox was the best football player in town. Her dedication to the sport she loved led to a whole flock of American girls playing football. Oh wait, no it didn’t. Still, Icebox was so good that she could cheerlead for the first half of the game, then just throw some shoulderpads on over the outfit and lead the Giants to victory against a much more talented team. Plus, getting knocked around by a girl would be demoralizing to any male athlete. Just ask Chuck Finley.

2. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez – The Sandlot(1993)
Pretty much the greatest baseball player and person ever. He was nice enough to include Scotty Smalls in their group despite the fact that Smalls was less talented than the pre-juiced Roengarder and thought that Babe Ruth was an old lady. Benny could hit the ball wherever he wanted and even played for the Dodgers later in life, where he single-handedly ushered in a mustache fad amongst pro ballplayers.

1. Kelly Leak – The Bad News Bears(1976)
Let me make it clear that I am referring to the original film, not the Billy Bob Thornton travesty from a couple years ago. Kelly Leak was an original badass, who preferred riding around on his dirtbike smoking to organized sports. Of course, he was also a natural at baseball and single-handedly made Chico’s Bail Bonds a household name.

Before he arrived, the Bears set the bar for terrible baseball teams. Then Buttermaker brings him in as the ringer and Leak carries the team on his back to the final (with some help from Tatum O’Neil’s character on the hill). Leak always seemed like a particularly shady character and the actor who played him (Jackie Earle Combs) was even nominated for an Oscar this past year for his portrayal of a child molestor. Something tells me Kelly Leak would have turned out the same way – especially after getting thrown out at the plate against the Yankees – but that doesn’t negate the fact that he was the best youth athlete ever in a movie. It didn't hurt that he was 23.

Dishonorable mentions to the kid from Ladybugs (he was playing against girls and still killed himself) and Lil Bow Wow (do you know anyone who has actually seen “Like Mike” – most probably don’t even know the movie exists).