Osama Bin Laden, the leader of Al-Qaeda and the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks slipped down to third on the annual list of "World's Most Evil Yankees Fans." This is Bin Laden's 15th straight year on the list, breaking the record of 14 previously held by serial killer, John Wayne Gacy.
It is not known exactly why or how Bin Laden began his love affair with the Bronx Bombers, but there is no doubt that he is a die-hard fan. In a video released in early 2003, he admitted candidly that the reason for the attacks on New York City and Washington, DC was a questionable call by plate umpire Rick Reed who, in a 1997 game against the Detroit Tigers, called a strike on a check swing by Jeter to end the 9th inning with a runner stranded on third. The Tigers ended up winning the game in the 12th, costing Bin Laden a $500 bet he had made with Libyan dictator and Tigers fan, Muammar al-Gaddafi.
When Bin Laden was informed that he
had made the list yet again this year he released a new video tape to Al Jazeera. In it, Bin Laden foregoes his normal attire and instead appears dressed from head to toe in Yankee pinstripes. He wears the number 23 jersey of Don Mattingly, his all-time favorite Yankee according to those close to him. Nevertheless, he apologizes to his fellow Yankees fans for not having a more up-to-date jersey, explaining that it's hard for him to keep up since he really has been living in a cave for 10 years (this poor attempt at humor was followed by a rim shot believed to be the work of Al-Qaeda lieutenant Ayman al-Zawahiri. U.S. Intelligence is currently seeking information on any snare drums or crash cymbols recently sighted in the mountainous regions of Pakistan). On the tape Bin Laden predicts that Allah will reach down with a fiery sword to smash the Great Aggressor, the United States. He also predicts Yankees over Braves in 5 in this year's World Series. After he's done predicting things he says some bad stuff about Jews, calls Dice-K a "pussy" and makes fun of "Fever Pitch."
Bin Laden then stands up and pulls down his pants, revealing a tattoo of All-Star closer, Mariano Rivera on his right butt cheek. When reached for comment, Riviera called this article "in poor taste."
Bin Laden, who ranked first on the list in '02 and again in '04 was bumped out of the top spot in '05 by Musa Hilal, a tribal leader of the Janjaweed militias which have been responsible for the deaths of as many as 200,000 Sudanese, and have caused over one million refugees to flee from the Darfur region. He is know to personally beat his enemies to death with a bat signed by the entire 2000 World Championship team. Also above Bin Laden on this year's list is Scott Merz of Chicago, Illinois, a man whose soul is as black as the deepest recesses of the earth. He holds daily communion with the Dark Lord, Satan, and is an occasional studio drummer for the popular band, Smashmouth. Rounding out the top 5 were Ernst Stavro Blofeld, leader of the worldwide terrorist organization, S.P.E.C.T.R.E., and Joe Simpson, father and manager of pop sensations Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. He is mostly on the list for not forcing his daughters to get naked and make out with each other.
Stay tuned in May when the Top 5 Biggest Dip Shit Red Sox Fans, and the Top 5 Biggest Prick Lakers Fans lists are released to the media.
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