In Lieu of Fight, Tim Duncan Challenges Joe Crawford to an Academic Decathalon ala Billy Madison

"So angry that one time he shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Check him out at www.theangryt.com" - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com

As a Michigan fan, I already hated Joe Crawford, the turncoat Benedict Arnold de-committing jerk-off that plays college basketball at Kentucky. How does it taste Joe, now that your coach has left? Eat it pal, see you in Fayetteville for LowGators of the NBDL. Now, I have a reason to dislike another Joe Crawford.

Whatever happened to the ref not being bigger than the game and shelving their pride? It's pretty funny that Crawford is trying to get into it with glass-of-water and piece-of-white-toast Tim Duncan. Is there is more non-descript and “eh” super-star in the NBA? What about Stephen Jackson, hasn’t this guy thrown eight or nine F-bombs in your direction after a weak call? Throw a bunch at Steve, I guarantee at least three retaliatory gunshots. Or Ron Artest, for shit's-sake that guy probably starved your dog and beat your wife, why don’t you fight him Joe? But oh no, you want to get into it with Tim Duncan. Take it down a notch or two Joe, you are no Dick Bavetta, you never know when that ticker might give out. Almost more importantly, Tim Duncan has a mean right cross and one hell of a reach advantage on Crawford. Tim Duncan would RKR you Joe, no doubt about it.

This potential grudge match got me thinking about other referee-athlete run-ins. We all saw the Baveta-Barkley outcome, but that was a little too tame for my liking. How about a boxing match instead of a race? Dick Baveta was the only man to ever knock out Jack Dempsey, in a 1907 non-title match (that is Bavetta standing over Dempsey, trust me). I bet he could knock the dust off the gloves and show Barkley a thing or two about the sweet science. There are other interesting run-ins as well, and a few of them a detailed below along with the favorite and what would probably happen if the two ever squared off. For your reading pleasure, the Top 5, athlete-referee confrontations:

5. John Hirshbeck vs. Robby Alomar Favorite: Hirshbeck

John Hirshbeck is a scary ass individual. The pride of Bridgeport, Connecticut was a former Golden Gloves champ. Now don’t do any research to confirm that, because I probably made up, but I have a feeling this guy would have beat the hell of out that little pretty boy Alomar. Honestly, Robby, who spits? Plus, Hirshbeck wanted another piece of Alomar and charged into the clubhouse the following day after Alomar alleged that Hirshbeck had called him a “faggot.” Hirshbeck by TKO, count it.

4. Tim McClelland vs. George Brett Favorite: McClelland

First of all, Tim McClellan is a big boy, look at that photo. Tim was also a stunt double for Mr. Larson in Happy Gilmore, so you know he can kick some ass. Second, and probably most important, if you have ever seen the video of the event, you see Tim McClellan stand completely motionless as a crazed George Brett runs right at him from the dugout. Tim McClelland is a fearless cat who refuses to be intimidated by anyone, even this guy. Score this one for McClelland, in the fifth round, by disqualification, when a frustrated and battered George Brett attempts to use “Brass Knucks” ala Steven Regal.

3. Delmon Young vs. Umpire that got hit by Delmon Young’s Bat Favorite: Young

To begin with, that was a terrible call by the ump. That ball was at least a half a foot outside. If I were Young, I would have forgone the bat throw, walked to the local heavy machinery rental depot, bought one of those really huge dump-trucks, and ran this guy down at home plate. Watch this video, no jury in the world would convict me if I showed them the pitch that was called a strike. As for the fight, the ump kind of takes it like bitch, which leads me to believe: A. He is a professional and B. He is a pussy. Delmon Young wins this one in a first round knockout.

2. Orlando Brown vs. Jeff Triplette Favorite: Brown

There is no doubt that Jeff Triplette is wiry. He is quick and he has one hell of a throwing arm. He demonstrated that rocket arm when he pelted Orlando Brown in the eye with a penalty flag and nearly ended Brown's career. Orlando Brown is a 6’7” 350 man beast who showers in grain alcohol, drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls,and once scissor kicked Angela Lansbury. The only way that Orlando Brown loses this match-up is if Triplette gets to bring his “Flags of Fury.” This is a David and Goliath story more true than the bible itself. The decision goes to Brown, who gets out-pointed in the early rounds, but wins the late rounds with the help of a set of Rec-Specs.

1. Mike Tyson vs. DX Favorite: Tyson

Mike Tyson is dangerous and Shawn Michaels found that out at Wrestlmania XIV. Sure wrestling is fake and of course the right hook Tyson delivered to Michael's jaw was fake as well. That being said, I would love to see Michaels and HHH throw down with that crazy bastard Tyson. With Tyson hopped up on coke, he wouldn’t feel the “Pedigree” or the “Sweet Chin Music.” I would take drugged up Tyson against a pack of wild lions, a herd of wildebeests or that son of a bitch Bill Brasky himself. Tyson wins with a first round KO of Michaels and HHH. X-Pac would have gotten involved, but he shit himself after the first two knockouts, ran away, changed costumes into the 1-2-3 Kid to avoid being recognized.

The Angry T