DAN RASPATELLO's TOP FIVE COACHES in SPORTS FLICKS

By Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

If you are looking for an inspirational speech from Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday, or a great underdog story like Hoosiers or Miracle, then this is not the Top 5 for you. To make my list you had to achieve a miracle that could only be possible in fiction, or commit an act that would get you arrested in real life.


5. Major League (1989) - Lou Brown (James Gammon)

What a great manager. He took a couple has-beens and a bunch of never -weres and turned them into a playoff team (before the Wild Card, so only 4 teams made it). At first he was not even sure if he wanted the job.

Charlie Donovan (GM): How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know...

Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

During the year he made his lead-off hitter, Willie Mays Hayes, do ten push-ups in the batters box every time he popped up during a game. He also informed Willie that, "You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit." He also figured out that Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, needed glasses, stood naked in front of the owner, made a life-sized cardboard stand-up of the owner and took off a piece of her clothes after every win, put a boat motor in the hot tub after the jets broke, and had the best mustache in sports movie history. Hey, Lou, can you coach the Cubs?


4. Little Big League (1994) - Billy Heywood (Luke Edwards)

This actor was a bigger one hit wonder than Chumbawumba. As I am sure everyone that was a child in the '90s remembers, Bill Heywood's grandpa owned the Minnesota Twins, and then died and left the team to his grandson. The team sucks, and they are in last place, so he appoints himself head coach. Obviously they become one of the best teams, but lose to a Mariners team led by Griffey Jr., and Randy Johnson (some great early 90s superstar cameos in this movie). After the year is over he decides he is going to go back to being "just a kid."

During his time as a coach his single mom starts to nail the star first baseman, Lou Collins (played by Timothy Busfield a.k.a. the dickhead brother-in-law/banker in Field of Dreams). How unrealistic is that? Hey, I am an all-star Major League Baseball player. I think I am going to start dating a middle-aged lady with a 12-year-old boy. What would have made this movie a lot better is if Griffey Jr. or Randy Johnson would have been giving it to his mom, so they could get the upper hand in the pennant race.

One of my friends makes a cameo in this movie. During one of the games they show the crowd, and there is a ten year old in a full-on Canadian Tuxedo. Take a look, it is worth it.


3. Ladybugs (1992) - Chester Lee (Rodney Dangerfield)

It is always a good start when their name sounds like pedophile's name. Chester is trying to move up the company ladder, so he coaches the company-sponsored all-girl soccer team. They suck, but his fiance's troubled teen son, Mathew, is a good athlete with too shitty of grades to play school sports. Thus, he gets Mathew to dress up as "Martha" to help his team win games. Mathew is played by the late great actor Jonathan Brandis, who you might remember from such great movies as IT, Outside Providence (he plays Mousy), and his Academy Award winning performance along side Chuck Norris in Sidekicks.

How did the writer, director or producer pitch this movie to the studio? "Alright, here is the scoop. I am going to have a 60 year old man dress up his fiance's 14 year old son as a girl, and make him change in front of him." Can you imagine if they tried to come out with this movie in 2006?

Jonathan Brandis killed himself in 2003, so at least we know that getting dressed up as a girl by a 60-year-old man has no long term mental damages. What? Too soon?


2. The Bad News Bears (1976) - Morris Buttermaker (Walter Matthau)

Before hitting children, racism, and drinking alcohol in public was considered socially unacceptable, Walter Matthau stared in The Bad News Bears. Billy Bob Thornton starred in the remake of this (summer 2005), but they had to sugarcoat it. This once again proves the liberals have won.

Coach Buttermaker openly drinks in the dugout during games, offers little leaguers beer, encourages fights, allows racism, and drinks while kids are in his car. His star player is an 11 year old who already drives a motorcycle, and his star pitcher is an 11 year old girl who talks about her boobs with him. I would try to create jokes, but I will just show you direct dialog from the movie instead.

This is a quote from the 11 year old shortstop, Tanner (the one who tried to fight the entire 7th grade), describing the team make-up to his coach after a girl joins the team.

Tanner Boyle: Jews, spics, niggers, and now a girl?

To make it even more politically correct the Jewish kid is the worst player and only is allowed to keep score and do other number-crunching for the team, the black kid prays to Allah, calls all the white players and coach "honky," and says "sucka" constantly. And finally, the Hispanic player does not speak a drop of English. I can not believe that 30 years ago this movie was not only allowed, but an instant classic. I do not know what to say. I guess I will just end it with one more quote.

Engelberg: You're not supposed to have open liquor in the car. It's against the law. (as he holds up an empty he found in his coach's car)
Coach Morris Buttermaker: So is murder, Englebert. Now put that back before you get me in real trouble.


1. Might Ducks (1992) - Coach Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez)

Coach Bombay is a powerful lawyer who never loses. Then one day he gets a DUI, gets suspended by his firm, and his punishment is to coach a Pee-Wee hockey team from the ghetto. So, let me get this right, you have a DUI felon taking care of and driving around 12-year-olds as a way of punishing him. At least we know the system is keeping everybody safe. Normally I would point out how fake it is that ice hockey is being played in the ghetto, but this movie takes place in Minnesota.

My favorite part of this movie is when the worst player's (Pacey from Dawson's Creek. I've never seen that show, but my high school girlfriend told me he was in it.) mom starts to get busy with Coach Bombay to insure a little more playing time for her son. Ms. Casey Conway's work gets rewarded when her son gets to do the Gordon Bombay "triple deke" to win the Pee-Wee championship over the Hawks.

Coach Bombay produces two different miracles while coach of the Ducks:

1. He takes a group of kids who, for the most part, cannot skate, and turns them into Minnesota Pee-Wee State Champions. In the following year, with the exact same team (with a few add-ons: Kenny Wu, Dean Portman, Dwayne Robertson, and Julie "The Cat" Gaffney), he leads Team USA to the Gold in the Junior Goodwill Games

2. He quit hockey after Pee-Wee (age 12), and at age 30+ is still good enough to play professional minor league hockey.

The only realistic thing about this whole movie is the psycho coach of the Hawks. Anybody who grew up playing club hockey knows the nutjob parents/coaches who are a part of it.