RIVALFISH'S TOP FIVE BALD CHICKS

by Zach Crantz, zcrantz@gmail.com

If you told me ten years ago --as an only slightly cynical 13 year old-- that CNN would one day care about a crazy woman buzzing her head, well, I’d probably do an unsuccessful skateboard trick on your foot and say that you were full of shit. But, ten years later --as an appropriately cynical 23 year old-- in a time when our media latches on to more and more trivial stories, I can’t help but be completely unsurprised by such news. I don’t really care what Britney Spears does with her hair. It’s not so much the act of going nuts and buzzing her head that pisses me off… it’s the timing of it all. Britney is taking up some vital airtime that would otherwise be used to discuss the real news. There are much more important matters to be relayed to the public, such as video footage of Anna Nicole Smith dressed up as a clown ‘shrooming harder than a Trust Fund-toting Colorado-Boulder student in the mountains during a lunar eclipse. Everyone knows the media is tainted; as opposed to trying to remedy this fact, I will attempt to add fuel to its fire by counting down America’s Top Five Bald Chicks.

Note: These women are being rated not so much on their character while sporting the dude look, but rather, simply by how they look. They are still women after all. Just kidding, mom.

5.) Sinead O’Connor
I was originally going to give this fifth place spot to Diem from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge but then I realized that she didn’t go bald by choice and that she has already grossly exhausted her 15 minutes of fame. With that being said, I know I’m young, but I honestly only recognize Sinead O’Connor as a singing Q-tip. As far as I know we never really saw this singer rocking any form of the follicle handlebar, right? As a sister to four brothers it’s no surprise that as far back as she can remember she always thought she was “just one of the guys.” She was never all that hot to begin with; so, shaving her head didn’t really hurt her image all that much. It’s kind of like when a fat blonde chick dyes her hair really dark and you can’t help but think to yourself, “Awww, f*ck it. She was hit anyways.” Sinead sort of wins this fifth place spot by default because not too many women break this rigid cultural norm. But, hey, I can’t say I blame them.

4.) Sigourney Weaver
The fourth place spot goes to a woman with the only name weirder than Sinead. Maybe these women were destined for baldness the second their dumbfounded doctors scrolled each of their names onto their respective birth certificate paperwork; I can picture the docs saying to themselves, “Oh yeah, this one’ll for sure end up shaving her dome and trying to grow a penis.” First of all, I don’t even think Sigourney was all that hot with hair. Though she is pretty bad ass in all of the Aliens movies and her willingness to shave her head for this role is indeed commendable. My only complaint is that she has a really defined jaw line which, when accompanied with a shaved head, makes her look a lot like a freshly shaved Justin Timberlake. This is downright creepy. Sadly, now I can’t help but picture her skull-f*cking one of her giant alien foes with an assault rifle while melodically harmonizing a “What goes around comes around” chorus refrain. It really would be great to see her and Britney get together, eh?

3.) Britney Spears
This is a tragic story. Well, sort of. Fittingly, Kevin ‘fed her lines’ of blow for so long that she grew dependent on the shit and lost her ability to catch some much-needed sobering shut-eye. So, once upon a sleepless coke binge she thought she might look tight as a military man. The truth is, any dude that says he wouldn’t still bang Britney without the hair is just plain lying to you. And any lesbian that says she didn’t get a little moist when she first saw the images of the bald pop princess is probably just an asexual frog disguised as a feminist. Seriously though, I don’t even think Britney knew quite how wide open her car doors were until she took a good, long look in the mirror. Yes, her bald head appears to be rocking some malfunctioning Lamborghini doors or some shit like that. Other than this, she does have a well-shaped head and, all craziness aside, she is still reasonably attractive. That is, if you’re into troll-like sex icons with floppy man breasts. If it weren’t for the media’s having captured a Freudianly nightmarish Basic Instinct shot of her snatch, I’d be convinced that the joke is on us, and that she has been a dude all along.

2.) Demi Moore
There’s a scene from G.I. Jane in which Demi does a flawless one-handed push up. I can’t help but laugh because her current beau, Ashton Kutcher, probably couldn’t do a standard two-handed push up without looking and sounding like that anorexic girl from your 10^th grade gym class. Truthfully, Demi didn’t look so bad without hair; her Striptease spank bank images certainly helped the average man still look at her in a sexual light. We were also slightly conditioned to her looking like a dude from her haircut in Ghost. In this movie she has a short bowl cut (much like those flaunted by the Beatles), she sensually makes clay pots on her own spinning wheel, she befriends Whoopi Goldberg, and she bangs a ghost; therefore, her decision to dyke it out by shaving her head several years later didn’t come as too big of a surprise for any of us, not even her naturally bald husband at the time, good old Bruce “I’ll bang anything with two tits and a heartbeat“ Willis.

1.) Natalie Portman
Natalie Portman actually managed to pull off the buzz. For a short while I was convinced that Natalie’s bald appearance in V For Vendetta was at the heart of Britney’s coke-enthused decision to buzz her head. At first I thought Britney was trying to emulate Portman’s character so as to make a statement about politics in America but then I realized that poor Brit is as dumb as a box of rocks and probably thought that V for Vendetta was just an action-packed remake of The Phantom of the Opera. But these closing remarks shouldn’t be about Britney because it is Natalie Portman who really managed to somehow make the little boy down the block’s summer haircut still look somewhat feminine and decent enough to cast eyes upon without throwing up a little bit in your mouth. So, I’ll give credit where credit is due. But I’d also like to take a moment to beg that she and no other woman in the limelight ever pulls a stunt like this again because I’m getting sick of explaining to my little cousin that she can’t borrow my “beard trimmer” to follow in Brtiney’s rebellious little footsteps. And to those of you disgruntled readers out there, I’m deeply sorry if I left out any of your favorite baldies.