REMEMBER WHEN PEANUT BUTTER CAME WITHOUT SALMONELLA?

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by Mark Tribbia, aka Pop Jalopy, mark.tribbia@podcom.tv
There is so much wrong with the recent recall of Peter Pan Peanut Butter that I felt it was my duty as a concerned peanut butter addict to comment. Besides, I'm a victim, too. Here's what it's all about.

The company that makes Peter Pan, ConAgra Foods, is in major CYA mode. They stand to lose millions on lost product, plus potentially millions on liability. This is because the peanut butter has caused salmonella poisoning in a number of states.

Salmonella in food is caused by fecal contamination. What the hell happened here? Do I need to assume that this was all caused because some worker in a Georgia peanut butter plant decided to take a dump in a vat of Peter Pan? Ah, the influence of Jackass's Johnny Knoxville on today's working man.

I saw one of the salmonella victims interviewed last night. He said he ate the product and was sick for five days. That's pretty bad. And I was thinking that, when someone first eats it and falls ill, they feel miserable and don't want to really do much of anything, especially eat much or cook. So to compound the problem, they probably limit their diet to things simple to prepare - like more peanut butter and crackers, for instance. They don't know any better.

I ate the product out of a jar matching the recall batch numbers, those starting with the digits 2111. I have survived, with nary a belch, if not for the grace of God.

And the news coverage of this didn't do anyone any favors. The networks identified the batch number of the fecal butter and advised those having the tainted product to dispose of it, keeping the lid with the number on it to get a refund. That's bad advice. Two things I learned in my one month of law school were, a) that a tort was not a tart, and b) that you never destroy evidence.

So, let's say that your five year old gets terribly ill from the peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich and you spend thousands on the emergency room bill and on medication. She had salmonella poisoning, she ate from the peanut butter jar and all you have to prove it is a yellow lid? A lid, ConAgra might argue, that you could have found in the playground, or in your neighbor's trash. Not a good leg to stand on. Keep the jar.

Let's just hope that no one dies due to this. The Peter Pan brand name has been around since Vernon Presley made Elvis his first banana and peanut butter sandwich, but it might not survive this. ConAgra will most certainly remain in the peanut butter business.

So be vigilant. Knowing corporate types, I wouldn't be surprised if ConAgra attempts a quick and extremely inexpensive re-engineering change that involves inverting a couple of letters on the label for a solution to their dilemma. And if in a few months you see a new brand of peanut butter in a familiar looking jar and yellow lid, with a oddly familiar red label reading, Deter Dan, I'd pass.