BE A SPORT, CHICAGO!

Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s the definitive list of what each person in the city of Chicago should do on a daily basis to pay heed to their sporting itch. Vagisil is recommended for your other itch.. Check it out. Check out Beachwood. Check out these adult-seeming activities for the next week in Chicago. But please come back. Maturity is for grad students and wine anyway - Tello Real, Rival Room Editor-in-Chief

THURSDAY: To Remember Pro Hockey Exists/ Wear Your Winter Coat One Last Time. Chicago Blackhawks v. San Jose Sharks. United Center. 7:30pm. $10-$250. I've put together somewhat of a "system." If I get you clowns to pay attention to at least one Bulls game and one Hawks game a week, I'd say it's fair for you to call yourself a fan. Otherwise, you're just an asshole, period. So let's talk match-ups. The Hawks are sitting in the 13^th spot, needing to make up about 17 points in the last 22 games to factor into the Western Conference playoffs. The Sharks, on the other hand, are still reeling off having the best selling Starter parka of winter '91, the last time the Hawks were good. Should be a good one.

FRIDAY: To Continue Your Fandom/ Avoid Being Fair-weather. Chicago Bulls v. Washington Wizards. United Center. 7:00pm. $10-$2,500.
Like I said, it's all about the match-ups this week. Head back to the United Center for the second night in a row and try to convince yourself that your life is relevant. This Friday Night Face Off features the Baby Bulls pitted against Gilbert Arenas, a seemingly friendly grown man who wears the jersey-number "0" like he's the runt on a t-ball team. At least the Wizards don't still have that fat Jordan character with the goatee. He was sorta good.

SATURDAY: To Save a Life/Rupture a Sternum. Red Cross CPR Training Days. Willow Creek Community Church @ 67 E. Algonquin Road, Barrington. 8:00am Registration. $5
You just spent $13 on a martini and you're going to try to tell me that you can't throw-up a five spot and a half-hour in the car to learn how to save a life? Have you ever heard of a little thing called "karma?" It's this wicked legal weed-type thing that the Shamans used to smoke to help guide them through the barrier between this life and the next. Oh, wait, It think that was called "salvia." I think "karma" is when you win the lottery because you gave a homeless guy a single after trying hard to make sure he didn't see any of the twenties in your wallet.

SUNDAY: To Join the Battle/ Become Newsworthy. Fight for Anna Nicole's Remains. Fort Lauderdale, FL. All Day, Everyday. Your Dignity.
I know that Sunday is supposed to be for resting, but when the news tells you that something's the most important thing in the world, you should listen. Plus, how does Anna Nicole's hillbilly mother whom she hadn't spoken too since pre-DD boobs and old-man oral sex have any more right to that luscious corpse than you do? Roll down there with a legal degree and a name like Rush M. Limbaugh, call yourself her "estranged" something. You have as good a shot as anyone and landing those famous remains.

MONDAY: To Get Back to the Grind/ Frequent Bridgeport. Buy a 13-Game "Ozzie Plan." Starting at $182.
I'm not going to lie, despite my constant cynicism regarding all-things Chicago Sports, I might have to indulge in this one. The White Sox “Ozzie Plan” features Opening Week and the hot Cubs series ticket, and the rest is up to you!(with a shit-load of stipulations, obviously) With savings of $1 off the individual game prices, this plan starts at $182 per seat and varies depending on your selected seat category and game choices. Premium seating areas are excluded from the Ozzie Plan. Now you just need to make some friends or be the douche who sits at 13 Sox games by themselves.

TUESDAY: To Enjoy the Weather/ Recreate Like a Hick. Build Some Washer Boxes. Your Garage. One Hour of Labor. $15-$30.
If you've never heard of the legendary backyard sport, "Washers," you've never been friends with anyone that went to college in a rural area. Also known as "Hillbilly Horseshoes," this game consists of four guys or ladies throwing small building supplies across the yard while pretending there's some correlation between the game's results and their languishing athletic ability. Obviously, like everything from watching CNN to having sex, Washers can be turned into a drinking game.

WEDNESDAY: To Roll/ Avoid Rolling on the Shabbos . 10 Pin Bowling Lounge. 330 N. State. 11am-Close. $4.95-before 5pm, $6.95-after 5pm.
As long as I can remember, Wednesday night was my dad's bowling night. Over the years, I don't think his average has ever topped 165, but it hasn't stopped my mom from chastising him like he's one of the wife-abusing lane regulars who can bowl a 200-game with a nine-beer buzz and unemployment stress. Imagine how pissed those guys would be if they lost the "beer frame" and had to buy a round of $13 martinis.