Angry T's Top Five Potential Super-Baby Making Hook-Ups in Sports (Like, if Beckham boned Vinatieri and it actually produced a zygote)

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by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com

There was an interesting aside in Sports Illustrated this week that really got me thinking. Allan Ross was this years’ winner of the Thorpe Award which recognizes the nation’s best defensive back. Mr. Ross is currently dating Sanya Richards, a gold medalist from the Atlanta Olympics as well as the IAAF 2006 World Athlete of the year. They plan to marry in 2009, after Richard competes in the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. When they marry, they will inevitably have children, incredibly fast children. This baby will shoot out of the birth canal and complete an electronically timed 40 in around 4.3. If this kid doesn’t go pro in something after 4^th grade it should be ashamed of itself. This story got me thinking about other potential hook-ups that could produce super-athletic kids. For you reading pleasure, the Top 5 potential hook-ups that would lead to super-babies including the sports they would play and dominate.

5. Rebecca Lobo and Barbaro: Let’s get this one of out the way real early. WNBA superstar meets racing legend. Now the logistics of this thing might be a little awkward, but if we get it done we have ourselves one hell of a super-baby. I see multiple professional sports in this “kid’s” future. The movie deals will be the most financially lucrative option for the baby. MVH (most valuable horse) will feature “Lobaro” playing a grab bag of sports will incredible success. The funny loving nature of the child will be tempered by a gruff yet loving basketball coach played by Danny Glover. Hilarity will ensue and box office success will be assured. The baby will eventually become the first women’s two sport star as a WNBA All-Star and the first triple crown winner since Seattle Slew. I see absolutely no reason, besides bestiality, potential injuries to Rebecca, and an inability for a horse and woman to produce a child, why this won’t work.

4. Earl Boykins and Margo Dydek: You may or may not know Margo Dydek as the tallest player in the WNBA and the league’s all-time leader in blocked shots. You may also know Earl “The Squirrel” Boykins as the NBA’s shortest player at 5’5” and possibly it’s quickest player as well. He is also an animal in weight room and can bench press 315 pounds. Everyone knows that a tall person and a short person standing next to each other is sheer comic gold. Just imagine the hilarity that would ensue from a ridiculously tall woman having sex with a very short man. The logistics of the situation would be mind-boggling. On top of the intercourse, their child would be the best of both worlds. With Dydek’s height and Boykin’s quickness, there isn’t a sport this super-baby couldn’t play. Think a non-euro-trash, quicker, Dirk Nowitzki (and this, check the earrings) with a mean streak because everyone at school made fun of him for having a mom that is a foot and half taller than his dad.

3. Laila Ali and Jason Kidd: Jason Kidd has quick hands, quick feet and is very, very quick to anger, just ask the woman standing next to him with the black eye. Laila Ali has a pretty good jab of her own and has compiled a record of 24-0 with 21 knockouts. With this sort of pedigree Kidd and Ali’s offspring will be an absolutely devastating boxer. The only question will be whether he or she chooses men’s or women’s boxing. There is no reason to believe that if it turns out to be a boy that it still won’t fight in the women’s division for a opportunity to slap some chicks around. As they say, the domestically abusive apple doesn’t fall far from the wife beating tree. No matter which gender he or she decided to fight, this kid will most likely hold belts in every single division. I also hope that this kid’s cranium is at least a little bit smaller than Kidd’s other son.

2. John Daly and Laura Davies: The king and queen of the long ball and gluttony team up to make sweet, sweet love and one hell of a golfer. The juxtaposition of this proper Englander and this backwoods Arkansas native will make for great theater and an ever greater reality television show. Or as least it will until filming is halted when a drunk John Daly is wrestled ground by Davies and forced to tap out.

This baby will come out of the womb with a bottle of five-o-clock, an un-filtered cigarette, and a leg of lamb slathered in ranch dressing. Look at this face and this face, this child has absolutely no chance at being attractive to any person or beast. This child will be forced to take it’s aggression on the golf ball to the tune of 600-700 yards drives. The man-child will make the traditional golf course and non-elastic khaki pants obsolete. After winning 13 consecutive Masters Tournaments by his/her 16^th birthday, “Dalies” will dictate that the game of golf will henceforth be named “Dalies.” Unfortunately for the sports, the child will pass away from complications due to lung cancer, liver failure and arteries completely filled with hollandaise sauce at the age of 19.

1. Marion Jones and Shawne Merriman: This child might be the most athletic of the children on this list because of the chemistry behind his birth. The un-holy spawn of these two roid’ users will probably have between 5-7 arms and absolutely redefine the word “long” in reference to a defender in basketball. Actual working eyes on the back and sides of the child’s head would give he/she remarkably court vision in basketball and an unstoppable pick-off move on the mound. The absence of sex organs due to the steroids would allow the player to be unstoppable as a member of the wall on a soccer team when the other team has a direct kick. This kid would be devastating even before I mention that it will most likely be born with wings and a prehensile tail. Unfortunately for these two lovebirds and the sporting community, Merriman can no longer produce semen due to his hibernating inverse testicles. Despite use of horse, beaver, and salamander tranquilizers Marion Jones has actually given birth to a child. Even though her baby was born with scales and octopus like suckers on each limb, it is expected to live on a normal life.

Will there you have it, I have sent letters to each and every person included in this article suggesting that they procreate.. Like the child of divorced parents in a movie, I have arranged that each couple meet at a dinner that both parties think will benefit some sort of charity. Just like in “It Takes Two” featuring the 8 year old coked out Olsen twins, they will meet, the will dine and then they will consummate and the sporting world will be better for it. I just hope Rebecca Lobo shares some of her feed bag with Barbaro.