RIVALFISH's GUIDE to PRO ATHLETE NAMES

If you're wondering why anyone would have any use for this list, I ask you to consider the following. Did you ever stop to think that maybe the people who sit around wasting time on the Internet during their mundane workday are genuinely fascinated by how the other half lives? Does it not occur to you that these amazingly inquisitive philanthropists might want to peer into the neighborhoods full of DeMarcuses, Dawans, and Kenyattas? See, they want to take a good look, huff a deep breath, and inhale some "understanding." "Understanding of what," you surely ask. Understanding that black people have funny names, what else?. -Rival Room Editor-in-Chief.

by Andy Kissko, andykissko@yahoo.com

Just Add “La-“

LaMarcus Aldridge, Trail-Blazers

LaVernaues Coles, Jets-

LaJuan Ramsey, Eagles- “La” feminine, “Juan” masculine

LaBrandon Toefiend, Jaguars

LaDanian Tomlinson, Chargers

La’roi Glover, Rans- Also on the "Apostrophe" team

Just Add “Le-“

LeBron James, Cavaliers

LeCharles Bentley, Browns

LeRon McCoy, Arizona Cardinals

Just add “De”

DeShea Townsend, Steelers

DeQuincy Scott, Titans

DeWayne Robertson, Texans

DeJuan Groce, Saints

DeAngelo Hall, Falcons

Apostrophe Abuse

Dre’ Bly, Lions

Donte’ Curry, Lions

La’Roi Glover, Rams

Andre’ Goodman, Dolphins

“D” + X + X+X+ ”ne”

Dwayne Jones, Cavs

Dwyane Wade, Heat

Dawan Landry, Ravens

DeWayne Robertson, Jets

Dwaine Carpenter, Rams

Common Last Name, Uncommon First Name

Carmello Anthony, Nuggets

Rasual Butler, Hornets- That name is RAther unuSUAL

D’Qwell Jackson, Browns - Lotta Jacksons’ in this country. One D’Qwell Jackson.

Jumaine Jones, Suns - Is that like the happy-trail version of the “Jew ‘fro”?

Dermarr Johnson, Nuggets

Dahntay Jones, Grizzlies

Jameer Nelson, Magic

Shaquille O’neal, Heat

Donell Taylor, Wizards

Bonzi Wells, Rockets

Delonte West, Celtics

Shammond Williams, Lakers

Corliss Williamson, Sacramento Kings- Apparently he does not come attached to a cord.

Shawne Williams, Pacers

Boss Bailey, Lions

Champ Bailey, Broncos

Tiki Barber, Giants- Too bad Tiki isn’t a defender so you could say “Tiki got torched!”

Ronde Barber, Bucs

Fakhir Brown, Rams- “Are you a pothead, Fakhir?”

Jerametrius Butler, Rams- When “Jeremy” just won’t do…..

Dovonte Edwards, Vikings

Demetric Evans, Redskins- Do you think the US will ever switch to de metric system?

Dhani Jones, Eagles- I realize it’s a Buddhist term, but it’s still an unlikely pairing.

Damione Lewis, Panthers

Marquand Manuel, Packers

Jayme Mitchell, Vikings

Brodney Pool, Browns

Dunta Robinson, Texans

Montavious Stanley, Cowboys

Jerramy Stevens, Seahawks

Adalius Thomas, Ravens

Dontarrious Thomas, Vikings- That sounds like an introduction, “Don, Terry is Thomas’ old roommate.”

Juqua Thomas, Eagles

Kiawakee Thomas, Bills

Chaun Thompson, Browns- That isn’t short for “Leprechaun”, is it?

Darwin Walker, Eagles

Javon Walker, Broncos

Kenyatta Walker, Bucs

Demorrio Williams, Broncos

Darrent Williams, Bucs

Roydell Williams, Titans

Shaud Williams, Bills

Tank Williams, Bears

Gibril Wilson, Giants- I wonder if he had a pet “girbil” as a child

Huge Surprise! He’s a White Guy

Ryon Bingham, Chargers

Colby Bockwoldt, Titans

Dustin Colquitt, Chiefs

Dallas Clark, Colts

Owen Daniels, Texans

Hunter Hillenmeyer, Bears

Eli Manning, Giants

Caleb Miller, Bengals

Igor Olshansky, Chargers

Hunter Smith, Colts

Generally Weird Names

Royal Ivey, Hawks

Shaquille O’neal, Heat

Tayshaun Prince, Pistons

Rajon Rondo, Celtics

Stromile Swift, Grizzlies

Flozell Adams, Cowboys

Atari Bigby, Packers

Plaxico Burress, Giants- If it’s pronounced “Plexico” why not spell it that way?

Ciatrick Fason, Vikings- What are the odds he was conceived via Cialis and his dad’s name is Patrick?

Jerious Norwood, Falcons- How many people meet him and say “Jerious? Surely, you can’t be Jerious?”

Start a Business

Curome Cox, Broncos- Rims Company, tagline: Don’t just have your car sittin’ on chrome, have it sittin’ on Curome Chrome.

Trai Essex, Steelers- Thai Restaurant, “Trai mai thai, then order a Mai Tai”

TyJuan Hagler, Colts- Partner with Trai Essex making “cuisine from ‘TyJuan’

Von Hutchinson, Texans- Should have cashed in on the Von Dutch (totally played out) craze and opened a franchise called Von Dutchinson

Sinorice Moss, Giants- Candy manufacturing, "Sinorice Licorice"

Carnell Williams, Bucs- Porn company called “Carnell Desires”