THE WEEK IN SPORTS AND LEISURE!

Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s the definitive list of what each person in the city of Chicago should do on a daily basis to pay heed to their sporting itch. Vagisil is recommended for your other itch.. Check it out. Check out Beachwood. Check out these adult-seeming activities for the next week in Chicago. But please come back. Maturity is for grad students and wine anyway - Tello Real, Rival Room Editor

THURSDAY: To Get Bowled Over/Get into the Spirit. Rutgers v. Kansas State. Texas Bowl. Houston, TX. NFL Network. 7pm. There are a handful of bowls on the 28^th to be used to practice the bowl-watching that you'll be doing later in the week in front of people. My favorite is the Texas Bowl, between '98's "surprise" team and '06's "surprise." So practice by learning your Man Info for this bettor's nightmare. Know at least one player on each unit of each squad, and crack a good joke about how this bowl game is being shown on the NFL Network. Then practice the face you'll make when you realize you're not going to be able to afford that whole "Valentine's Day proposal" your girl has definitely been counting on.

FRIDAY: To Plan Your Route/Form a Runners Street Gang. Become a Dedicated and Organized Exerciser. www.walkjogrun.net. The more I check out this site, the more I realize how much of a slap in the face it is to the family of Chandra Levy. Just as it allows runners to post their running routes and calculate their distances and speeds, it allows creeps like me to view the routes of strangers and the times they usually hit the pavement on a nightly basis. You can even contact the other users to set up a running date. This seems about as safe as a website that offers a list of schoolchildren and their favorite candies with the option to view satellite footage of their walk home.

SATURDAY: To Get Your College Football Fill/ Ignore Your Family. Keep Current on the Changing Stock of Teen Commodities. www.rivals.com. We don't have any college football this weekend, but we do have an entire industry dedicated to the speculation of adolescents and their high-pressure life choices. Rivals.com is the leader of this industry, going deeper into the college football machine than any non-creepy middle-aged athletic-has-been would ever want to. Guess who might be going to Notre Dame next year to fill the vacant spot at Full Back? SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD YOU FREAK!

SUNDAY: To Finally Make Those New Years Plans/ Have an Excuse to Not Get Kissed. Bears v. Packers. Soldier Field. 7:15pm. NBC. Tickets available at stubhub.com from $187-$1,499. I love when I have an excuse to not make overpriced plans for the most anticlimactic night of the year. For that reason, I wish I would have bought tickets to this Bears game, and would now be able to shamelessly avoid whiffing my way down the bar-skank ladder as I weasel my way through the masses and try for my 4^th "free" drink of the night at an overcrowded hotel lobby. Happy New Year!

MONDAY: To Show What You've Practiced/ Drink More. New Years Day NCAA Bowl Games. ESPN, ABC, CBS, FOX. 10am - 10pm. Let's be honest. While New Years Day isn't the sports-gambling bukakke extravaganza it once was, you still have the Outback, Cotton, Gator, Capitol One, Rose, and Fiesta Bowls to keep you glued to your set for 12 hours while I'll be glued to the bottom of my emptied Jacuzzi listening to a Peter Gabriel live album, trying to kick the '06 Shakes. Don't tell me what happens. I'm going to erase all of my roommate's girlfriend's Grey's Anatomy episodes and TiVo the whole damn lineup of ManBall. Silly woman.

TUESDAY: To Watch Real Football/ Impress Birds on Carnaby Street. UEFA Champions League - PSV Eindhoven vs. Liverpool FC. ESPNDeportes. Noon. Hmmm, a FOOTBALL game between two English Champions League teams being shown on ESPN's Spanish language channel just because it's not a mainstream American sport. No, our major media isn't ethnocentric at all! Who would say such a thing! There are going to be some pissed-off Hispanics on Tuesday when they tune into their favorite channel and hear the accent of white people even more condescending and prejudice than the crop they encounter stateside.

WEDNESDAY: To Pretend It's Everest/ Get a Workout. Rock Gym 101 Rock Climbing Class. Upper Limits Rock Gym @ 1304 W. Washington, Bloomington. Noon - 2pm or 6 - 8pm. $30. Ever since catching an episode of that Everest program where the legless guy causes the death of the Third World stud Sherpa, I have really wanted to get back into the rock climbing I became skilled at as a youth. Yes, instead of AYSO, we asthmatic suburban children learned how to climb faux rock-overhangs at expensive camps in Northern Wisconsin. Aren't you jealous? No? Oh, you're going to go play some pick-up basketball outside? Nah, I can't play cause of that whole airway constriction issue I mentioned. Have fun, and please take this class so that you can come play with me later!