THE WEEK IN CHICAGO SPORTS

Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s the definitive list of what each person in the city of Chicago should do on a daily basis to pay heed to their sporting itch. Vagisil is recommended for your other itch.. Check it out. Check out Beachwood. Check out these adult-seeming activities for the next week in Chicago. But please come back. Maturity is for grad students and wine anyway - Tello Real, Rival Room Editor

THURSDAY: To Watch a Great HS Rivalry/ Rep' "Smoke Park." OPRF @ Fenwick Boys Basketball. 505 W. Washington blvd, Oak Park. 7:30pm. $3. Former Oak Park River Forest JV Gymnast turned megastar Chris "Ludacris" Bridges said it best in one of his ditties: "I rep' Smoke Park so Chi-Town can get seen!" Yours truly also attended this scholastic beacon of diversity that rests on the Chicago/Oak Park border, and dream nightly of the time we notoriously upset NBA baller Corey Maggette and the Fenwick Friars amid crowd-wide chants of "overrated!" OPRF hasn't beaten their parochial cross-town rivals since. At 6-1, we're so good this year that Bulls bench-legend Randy Brown's son goes to OPRF and didn't even make the team. Huskies fans, get ready for the Top 25.

FRIDAY: To Stop Jocking the Bears/ Pay Attention to the Beginning of Something. Chicago Bulls @ New York Knicks. 6:30pm. Comcast SportsNet. While everyone in the world concerns themselves with the tragic deaths, gun laws, and meaningless selections to an All-Star Game held after the season, we have winners more deserving of our jersey-chasing over at the House that Jordan Built. Blackhawks, I'll get to you in a second. The Bulls have won 12 of 13, P.J. Brown promises to stop being a pouty child, and Scott Skiles hasn't displayed his Indiana-born bigoted ways in about a month. And when you thought it couldn't get any better, we get to slaughter a team coached by Chicago's most vilified opponent. Pay attention now before you're accused of bandwagon jumping.

SATURDAY: To Be Fair/ Watch the Coolest Game on Ice. Chicago Blackhawks @ Colorado Avalanche. 8:00pm. Comcast SportsNet. Yep, you read it right, the Mighty Hawks are going to be on the moving picture box this Saturday. And here's the freakier part: THE HAWKS ARE ABOVE .500! Now don't fact-check me on this, but that's got to be the first time since Roenick, Amonte, and some arbitrary non-American shared a line. I hear new coach Denis Savard has instituted a rule that requires each Hawk to do at least one spin-o-rama before taking a shot on net. Radical.

SUNDAY: To Heed the Law/Avoid One-Game Suspension. Illinois State Police Firearm Owner Identification Application. Sooner Than Later, Mr. Pippen. $5. Tank, you thought you would have learned from the mistakes of Scottie Pippen, Lonny Baxter, and Sebastian Telfair. Well, maybe you did, as you didn't fire your unregistered uzi out of a moving car a block from the White House for absolutely no reason like Baxter did. Didn't they cover that on The Constitution Test we all took as 8^th graders? Lonny must have skipped a grade. Anyway, register your weapons, or my clan of legally-armed do-gooders and I will tattle before you have a chance to hurt my team or betting interests.

MONDAY: To Show You Care/Celebrate a Birthday. Christmas With Your Friends and Family. All Day, jerk. Love Don't Cost a Thing. Well, of course there's the annually over-hyped NBA game that's going to be played on Christmas morning. Even when this game used to often feature the Jud Buchler-era Bulls, this Hebrew columnist thought it was sacrilege to do this to the players and their families. But then I'd think about what was under the tree in these players' Cribs. Or in the driveway with a bow like us common folk only see in commercials featuring a dad/son, dad/daughter, or attractive young couple combo. Your mommy and daddy aren't that rich so turn off the stupid game and have a genuine conversation for Christ's sake. Literally.

TUESDAY: To Watch More Hockey/ Start Saying "Eh". Chicago Hounds @ Quad City Mallards. MARK of the Quad Cities @ 1201 River Drive, Moline. 7:00pm. $14 -Way too much for sem-pro hockey. There's a lot more mediocre hockey going on Chicago than you'd ever imagine. The Hounds are in the, eh, in the UH, eh, L and are affiliated with, uh, no, uh one. They're headquartered in Hoffman Estates. All the players get driven to the games by their moms in minivans with a USA Hockey sticker on the back windshield. They have to pay to play, yet can call themselves Professional Hockey Players.

WEDNESDAY: To See a New Set of Balls/ Drink Like One of the Guys. St. Edmunds Bowling League. Circle Lanes @ 7244 Circle Ave, Forest Park. 7pm-10:30pm. $6/game for non-league rollers. Two days after Christmas you'll see a lot of new bowling gear at these legendary lanes in this resurgent Near-West suburb that thrives during the holiday season due to its liquor-based economy. What else were wives going to get their neutered spouses than an accessory for their one remaining hobby (excuse to get out of the house)? You'll also be treated to a jovially diverse set of ethnic jokes spread evenly throughout this diverse clan in one of Chicago's most endearingly and radically Old School 'hoods.