Top Ten Things To Do With Your Family’s Leftover Turkey Carcass After the Big Feast

by Zach Crantz, zcrantz@gmail.com

1o. Give it to your neighbor’s dog and place bets with your cousins and brothers as to how long it will take for good old Spot to choke to death on a little bone.

9. Put it on Ebay and say it is blessed by Tom Cruise’s scientology leader and wait to see how long it takes Darren “Dutch” Daulton to bid on it.

8. Feed it to your deranged little cocker spaniel that your parents have had chained to the house’s main support beam in the basement since 1999.

7. Tell your Grandparents that, according to your easily-offended foreign girlfriend, it is customary that the elders of any given familial circle marinate it with their own urine. Then watch.

6. Put it on your head, go knock on an unassuming neighbor’s door, and say (in a dully-echoed voice): “Trick or Treat, bitch.”

5. Tell your vegan sister that it is a new breed of meat that they kill before it is even born and then casually toss it to her like it’s an old weathered pigskin.

4. Go into the city and use it to bargain with homeless people for cool drugs you’ve yet to try.

3. Put it on your favorite Italian friend’s bed after he falls asleep, videotape his reaction when he finds it, and ‘YouTube’ the fuck out of the footage.

2. Reheat it and pay a washed-up actor to pull an “American Pie” on it (preferably one from the actual movie).

1. And finally for my decidedly favorite option You have to start this one off by being piss drunk off of cheap beer. Then right as your dad is carving the last piece off of the carcass, pull an Elliot from E.T. by yanking it off the table and “freeing it” from your family’s evil clutches. Then spike it on the freshly polished wooden floor and say in as creepy a voice as you can possibly muster “E.T. phone home.”

I really don’t know how my mind develops these strange ideas but I hope some of you actually try them or, if nothing more, that maybe some of you laughed at them. Good luck, Best wishes, and Happy Thanksgiving.