THIRSTY THURSDAY

by III, wald66@hotmail.com

It’s that special time of week where college students, young professionals, distressed husbands/fathers and, yes, even the celebrities of the world forget about life for a second and just go get hammered. Since I, myself, have been thirsty on Thursdays for quite some time now, I have taken it upon myself, as an expert, to search for the professional athlete, movie star, musician, etc. that is most likely to be seen at the happy hour special down the street, hitting on bartenders and puking in bathroom stalls. I will suggest a specific number of drinks for each of these lucky persons that will allow them to either drown away their sorrows or soak up their successes.

So guys grab your balls and ladies clench your breasts (unless you’re Hillary Clinton, in which case grab your balls as well) and lets hop on the roller coaster ride that is Rivalfish’s Thirsty Thursday.

Note: A longtime Thirsty Thursday fan has requested that I stop ranting for multiple paragraphs on one person and touch briefly on multiple people who should be getting blasted this week. And since he is the only person that reads my ridiculous articles, I gotta keep the customer happy.

Kevin Federline

Whoops! K Fed broke the golden rule of having a sugar momma - keep the bitch happy. If Brittany wants to throw in a dip and listen to Billy Ray Cyrus, you damn well better aid her in achieving that ultimate redneck hillbilly high that she’s been craving since “Oops I Did it Again.” I got your next rap song for you K-Fed. It’s called, “Oh, I thought she liked me.”

Recommendation: 8 Old English 40’s and a can of Mint Skoal.

Tony Romo

I knew a guy in college that was in my fraternity who went by the nickname “Romo.” Nice kid, he just didn’t fit the mold of what some may refer to as an “athlete.” He once struck out in intramural softball on 3 straight pitches…LOOKING! So when I heard a guy named Romo would be starting for the Dallas Cowboys, I instantly had my doubts. It’s kind of like if the Yankees signed a guy named Screech. You would be a bit skeptical, right? But low and behold, the guy is legit. I haven’t jumped on the bandwagon yet, but the guy has gone from being an undrafted benchwarmer, to an NFL Super Stud. And he’s banging Jessica Simpson.

Recommendation: Some fine Italian vino and some of that edible lipstick that Jessica was promoting that gave her the shits.

Plaxico Burress

Or should I say “Plexiglass Burress?” Or how about “Dropsico Burress?” Not only did you cost me about $100 bucks with your little girl antics, but you also cost me fantasy points. Did you not know that I needed that extra 5 points in my league to make a run at the playoffs? I spoke with Coughlin before the game and it seemed like we had an understanding that you were to try and make plays, and not give up on balls like a first-time lesbian.

Recommendation: 10 Budweisers to help you man yourself up a little bit.

Ohio State

God, I hate the Buckeyes. I hate Tressel and his sweater vests. He’s not fooling anyone with that “I wear sweater vests in 95 degree heat so I’m a good guy” vibe he’s trying to send out. His football program is one of the most crooked in the entire league, and if you don’t know that, then you’ve fallen under his spell. Do you really believe he had no idea what was going on with Maurice Clarrett? Is it a coincidence that Dick Tressel, Sweater Vest’s brother, is head of the “summer jobs program” for the football team? You think he had no idea that Troy Smith got money under the table from a booster? These coaches know everything. Get one thing straight- college football is a business. Tressel is the CEO of the company. You can call him Kenneth Lay if you so please. OSU is basically the New York Yankees of college sports, only they do it illegally. Don’t get me wrong, I think college players should be getting some sort of payout for bringing in so much money to their school, but that’s a whole different topic. They may be ranked number 1 in basketball and football, but you give me a couple million dollars and I’ll have a D-1 football and basketball team put together in 2 weeks.

Recommendation: 10 bottles of Cristal for each of the players and their families…Trust me, OSU has the money.