THE PRODIGAL QB RETURNS

"This time he's coming at you like a coked-up Johnny Cochran at a Klan rally, telling criminals where they ought to BE! And that be prison. Now make sure you scrub between your toes you cute little Tilapia filet. Without further ado, here's the most sought-after free agent in the sports blogger community, The Angry T, from www.theangryt.com. Hopefully this will cheer him up. If not, we suggest a warm bath and a lilac facial mask." - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

By The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com, www.theangryt.com

While you were eating your Thanksgiving turkey this year, Matt Millen and the Ford Family were chocking down a heaping helping of crow, courtesy of everyone’s favorite alleged homosexual, John Joseph Harrington. Despite the fact that I am a Lions fan, I can state unequivocally that I was the happiest I have been during a Lions game in a long time. While I disliked Harrington for his limp-wristed tosses while he was the Lions’ QB, I have a special place in my heart for Matt Millen, and Harrington sure did make Millen look like an idiot on Thursday. I can only imagine what was going on under Millen’s sloped Neanderthal forehead during that game. Pretty Boy Harrington throws 3 TDs in route to a total dismantling of Millen’s brainchild (term used very loosely), the Detroit Lions. Harrington has now led the resurgent Dolphins to four straight wins, something he never came close to doing in Detroit. While Harrington was very average in Detroit, this season’s Lions team is proving that Harrington played a relatively small part in the team’s disgraceful record during the Millen era.

The “Fire Millen” column has been written so many times over the past year that I will spare you the time of reading another. However, I will offer up this question: Can you think of someone who has done his job more poorly than Matt Millen has done as GM of the Detroit Lions? A few people immediately come to mind. The captain of the Exxon Valdez who dumped all that oil on those cute seals in Alaska is one. Ron Artest is another. Rons’s debut album, My World, was pretty disappointing ( 343 copies sold in the first week) and based on that, I would say he did a pretty poor job. Despite awe-inspiring work in Blue Chips, big Shaq Diesel turned in a couple critically un-acclaimed performances in Kazaam and Steel. Bryant “Big Country” Reeves did a great job of collecting $50 million for his “play” with the Vancouver Grizzles. Unfortunately, the team expected him to actually get on the court for that money, so depending on whose side you take in the issue; Bryant may have done a pretty terrible job in that situation.

I watched about 6 seconds of the movie Anaconda this weekend and Ice Cube did a poor job of making me believe that the guy from NWA would be anywhere near the Amazon, much less looking for snakes (“They got snakes out there this big?”) Finally, Zeke has done a pretty bad job managing the New York Knicks. In fact, have you ever seen Thomas and Millen in the same place at the same time? I know I haven’t. Plus, don’t they kind of look alike? Just something to think about. But alas, none of these people have done their job as poorly as Millen has done his.

There is only one man whose blatant mistakes reach a Millen-like level of futility. His countless errors have played out in front of millions yet management refuses to replace this man. His gross miscalculations and mismanagement of key situations has led to decisions that affected or even ended the careers of some great athletes.

Earl Hebnor is one of the longest tenured referees in the history of professional wrestling. He has presided over hundred of title matches over a few decades. Despite his longevity, this guy has been screwing things up almost since day one. I mean, how many times is he going to miss the outside interference from the managers? And Earl, would you mind checking Stephen Regal’s tights for brass knuckles? Also, check Mr. Fuji’s pockets for the salt that he will inevitably throw in someone’s eyes. Everyone in the arena, except you, knows these guys bring foreign objects to the ring. It is pathetic how many times you have screwed up. If you had any dignity you would have retired on your own accord by this point. Let me give you another little tip Earl; keep an eye out for the steel chair. You miss about 80 percent of illegal steel chair use in a given match. Finally Earl, get in position and stop getting knocked unconscious. It seems whenever my favorite WWE superstar is about to win the title, you get knocked out and are unable to complete the 1-2-3 count. But seriously, I have probably seen you knocked unconscious like 15 times and that could mean a lot of concussions. You really might want to find a good neurologist and get that checked out.

So Lions fans, leave the “Fire Millen” signs home this week, and make sure to wear, for the reasons above and countless other gaffes in this man’s career, a “Fire Hebnor” sandwich board.