Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s the definitive list of what each person in the city of Chicago should do on a daily basis to pay heed to their sporting itch. Vagisil is recommended for your other itch.. Check it out. Check out Beachwood. Check out these adult-seeming activities for the next week in Chicago. But please come back. Maturity is for grad students and wine anyway - Tello Real, Rival Room Editor THURSDAY: To Watch Others Exercise/Watch Girls Jump. Player's Sport & Social Club Coed 6A Vollyball. Serve Us a Cocktail v. Chuckers. St. Andrew Gym @1646 W. Addison. 7:30pm. Free. Can Serve Us a Cocktail go undefeated? A perfect 22-0 season? Well, all they have to do is beat the notoriously underachieving Chuckers, coming in at 7-11. It makes absolutely no sense to me why the Chuckers have played fewer games. This league is a joke! Fixed, I tell you! On that note, let's raise money to pay off the judges and plot the greatest upset in Chicago Recreational Coed Volleyball history. I'll have Misty May and Kerri Walsh on the horn in a minute. Let's do this thing!
FRIDAY: To Run a Triathlon/See the Glass Half-Full. 14th Annual Optimist Triathlon. Winona Lake Park @ Warsaw, Indiana. Registration Begins. $49.00. I couldn't wait either, as Friday is the first day to sign up for next June's triathlon. Don't worry, no need to venture into that scary crimson state to our east, at least until raceday, as registration can be done online. While I have no idea what an "optimist club" is, I think I'm probably right-on when I say that its members are probably maddeningly friendly. There are only 650 spots available, so if you don't sign up soon, you'll never have any friends again, your spouse will leave you, and you'll become obese. I guess I'm not cut out for the club.
SATURDAY: To Attend/Support Title IX. UIC Flames Men's Basketball v. Youngstown State. UIC Pavilion @ 525 S. Racine. 2pm. $15-$35. In the '80s, UIC Flames Ice Hockey was Chicago's true home team. Cheaper than the Hawks and full of regional rivalries, the Flames packed the Pavilion nightly with aspiring hockey stars and their bankrolling parents. Then Title IX reared its ugly head and forced the school to choose between Men's Basketball and Men's Ice Hockey. Hockey lost, and so did the city of Chicago. Literally, as I don't think the Hawks have won since. So cut your losses and help cheer the survivors of this whole mess to a Horizon League title.
SUNDAY: To Walk/Run/Rub It In. Jingle Bell Run/Walk For Arthritis 5K. Start at 320 N. Wells. 8am. $10-$30 Donation. Nothing like running and walking for the sake of people who can't do it comfortably themselves. It's like having a Homemade Ice Cream contest to raise money for lactose intolerant people. Nevertheless, check out this site for the snazzy real-time donations counter, which they've probably rigged in order to spur peer-pressure based contributions. Also, decorate your clothes with bells, tinsel, and crucifixes to add to the spirit of the event.
MONDAY: To Watch/Realize You're A Coward. On Any Sunday (1971). Directed by Bruce Brown. ESPN Classic. 7pm. Yes, the guy who brought us the radical surfer film, Endless Summer, followed it up with a much-less-popular documentary about motorcycle racers and enthusiasts. Looking for some starpower, Brown focuses on Steve McQueen, right before he resorted to taking coffee enemas instead of chemotherapy treatments. Sad story; even sadder than the limited commercial success of this film. Thankfully, ESPN's "Reel Classics" series has brought it back to life. Unfortunately, they can't do the same for everyone's mom's first crush, the "King of Cool."
TUESDAY: To See Pro Hockey/Support a Winner. Chicago Wolves vs. San Antonio Rampage. Allstate Arena @ 6920 Manheim Road, Rosemont. 7pm. $9 - $48. Well, technically it is professional, as the players get paid about as much as your local schoolteacher. And when it comes to winning, the Wolves have taken home three Turner Cups (AHL equivalent of the Stanley Cup) in the past ten years. So I guess Chicago didn't actually lose out in hockey. While these guys may not be able to stickhandle, shoot, pass, or score, they sure as hell can fight. And let's be honest, why do you go to hockey games? You bullies, I go for the cool last names like Krychwkski and Andropaloviquen.
WEDNESDAY: To Spend Some Loot/Be a Runway Model. Sitzmark Ski & Social Club Winter Sports Apparel Sale and Fashion Show. El Barrio Restaurant @ 1122 Diamond Lake Road, Mundelein. 7:30 pm. Free. Although winter sports are the one realm in which neon remains in style, you may want to update your wardrobe with advances in Gore-Tex technology. And besides, there's nothing like checking out runway models covered from head-to-toe in curve-covering down. So drive out to Mundelein, wherever the hell that is, and if you're early enough, you can sign up to be a model yourself! Is it just me, or does a Mexican restaurant seem like the wrong place for a Ski Club meeting? Oh wait; it's a drinking club too. Nevermind, it makes perfect sense.
Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s the definitive list of what each person in the city of 
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