DON'T SAY WE NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR YA!

Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s our first attempt. Check it out. Check out Beachwood. Check out these adult-seeming activities for the next week in Chicago. But please come back. Maturity is for grad students and wine anyway - Tello Real, Rival Room Editor

THURSDAY: To Remember/ To Celebrate. Thanksgiving Re-enactments. All Over America. Free/Jail-Time.
The only actual thing to do in the sporting world today is watch stupid football games in Dallas and Detroit. But you don't want to be like everyone else, and you have a penchant for history. So recreate Thanksgiving on your block. Find the people who have lived on your block before any other present inhabitants had moved in, poison them with what seems to be a gift, and then invite them over like nothing happened.

FRIDAY: To Date Like a Square/Hit the Ice. McCormick Tribune Millennium Park Ice Rink. 55 N. Michigan. 10am-10pm. Free, $7 Skate Rental. How many Chicago landmark/entity names are we trying to fit in one location there guys? There's going to be people showing up at McCormick place with their figure skates and significant others while businessman file in and out with their little placards around their necks talking about the latest in plastic contraceptive virus cables, or something like that. No one looks cool ice skating, unless you're a hockey player. And don't bring a girl here if she used to skate competitively and you are just the average Joe. Ask first, or look like a douche.

SATURDAY: To Watch/ Have Excuse to Day Drink. #3 USC v. #5 Notre Dame. Compton, CA. ABC. 7:00pm. It has not stopped being cool to me that USC plays in Compton. Compton is for two things: producing gangster rappers and providing the backdrop for John Singleton movies. It also fascinates me that the entire population of Chicago tries to pretend that Notre Dame is a local team. You silly Jesuits! We have Loyola right in the backyard! I haven't seen their football team lose all season!

SUNDAY: To Hit The Road/ Check Out Some Pigskin-Bears @ Patriots. Foxboro, MA. 3:15pm. $25-$75 + $2,438 for gas. Do you call yourself a true Bears fan? Well how many road games have you traveled to this year? Hell, how many home games have you attended? Prove me wrong and get off your tryptophan-laden rumps and drive across the country to one place colder than here. And you heard it hear first: Tom Brady is better than Rex Grossman.

MONDAY: To Break a Sweat/Skate Like the Pros- Johnny's Ice House. 1350 W. Madison. 1:30 - 3:30pm. Expensive. Rent out the ice where the pros come to practice when they are in town to play the Blackhawks. The Hawks, Avalanche, Red Wings, Bruins, Wild, and Capitals all practice here on the road, right down the street from where our hometown Indians lose 80% of the time they hit the United Center ice. So buy the two hours of ice time that are still available, get together all your has-been friends, dress up like the Hawks of the early 90s, and actually play decent hockey. It's one of those gigs where it's so expensive you have to call to see how much it costs. So call Kevin Rosenquist at 312.226.5555 ext. 17, or e-mail him at kevin@johnnysicehouse.com and try to talk that shyster down.

TUESDAY: To Say You Read/ Look At Pictures. ESPN Ultimate Highlight Reel: The 365 Wildest, Weirdest, Most Unforgettable Sportscenter Moments of All Time. ESPN Books. $19.77. Avoiding ESPN isn't as easy as throwing away your television anymore. Now they have cut an pasted every crazy image from their Emmy-winning daily and put in on your coffee table. But, I guess if your wife or girlfriend has been giving you crap about not reading, here's your ammo. Just don't let her see the extremely incriminating cover or show her the snapshot of that wicked catch our boy Juan Uribe made to clinch the World Series for the Sox last year. Now I must go weep.

WEDNESDAY: To Watch/ Be Inspired/ To Weep. Marshall University: Ashes to Glory. Docurama. $20.19. I'm actually not going to make a joke for once. This makes Rudy look like some pansy who doesn't deserve the attention of a fat girl who claims she has a problem with anorexia. Probably much more accurate than the movie We Are Marshall coming out at Christmas time, this documentary chronicles how a grief-stricken football team rose from unfathomable ruin and despair to achieve one of the most remarkable and triumphant victories in the history of sports. It was the fall of 1970 when a chartered plane carrying Marshall University's Thundering Herd football team, coaches, and leading supporters across West Virginia crashed, leaving no survivors. In the face of crushing heartbreak, a young coach named Jack Lengyel took over the devastated program. Honoring the memories of those who died, Lengyel and the five players who were not on the doomed flight found the strength and courage to patch together a ragtag team that would overcome the odds and triumph despite catastrophe.