DOES REX REALLY WAX HIS EYEBROWS? THAT'S GROSS, MAN!

by Zach Crantz, zcrantz@gmail.com

If you’re not currently living in Chicago then you’ve probably never heard the stupid “We’re bringing Rexy Back” song that some stations play on the radio. Don’t worry, you’re not missing much because it’s about as funny as testicular strangulation. Anyways, I’m mentioning it because it confirms my suspicion that the city of Chicago is becoming more and more obsessed with Rex Grossman for all the wrong reasons. I hate to say it but he is about as streaky a player as that stereotypical college athlete who ruins a potential professional career by extending his ‘adolescent drug stage’ into a drastically protruding third trimester. For some reason the average Bears fan avoids Rex’s streakiness factor like an ex-girlfriend with cold sores by instead focusing discussions on stupid things like, for example, the shape of his eyebrows.

As I cautiously avoid female Asian drivers while making my way to work I often listen to the radio. One of my occasional stops is 101.9’s The Eric and Kathy Show because I think Eric is the epitome of a d-bag and he makes me laugh because of it. Not too long ago (I think it was after the scare in AZ), Eric was ranting and raving about Rex having his eyebrows waxed to perfection. There are few trivial things more emasculating than being accused of waxing your eyebrows. I know from experience, because my friends asked me if I wax my eyebrows last weekend and, I must admit, such an inquiry really does have the capacity to rattle a young man. It’s an awkward and embarrassing question to be asked. The feelings it evoked were somewhat similar to the feeling you get when you’re accused of going the wrong way down a one-way street and/or talking with an intentional lisp.

Personally, like myself, I don’t think Rex is a waxer. But honestly, who really cares if he does wax his brows? I don’t really care if he gets manicures and individually plucks every hair off of his body with a rusty monkey wrench. I don’t even care if he waxes his pet ferret’s anus hair. The real issue at hand here is that he is an inconsistent quarterback and people need to stop talking about his personal maintenance habits because it’s making him throw the ball everywhere except for the ole' bread basket.

I decided that this is undoubtedly the reason for Rex’s inability to control his arm; the eyebrow waxing accusations are really getting to his head. I also just now decided that hypocrisy is a little like Communism. On top of that, I just decided that if I ever catch one of my future sons waxing his eyebrows I will instantly ground him. But instead of grounding him to his room I’m going to ground him to the library or to an Oprah show or something like that because, if he ends up anything like me, in his bed, right in front of the TV will be his favorite place in the world. That’s where I was when I watched Sunday’s game. I took two Vicodins before the Bears v. Pats game because I knew it would be painful. This definitely curbed the pain but it also led to my brain creating lots of echoes that didn’t really exist, which made the game that much more annoying to watch.

I’m not a professional statistician (clearly, because I had to spell check the word) but I can recognize sloppy football when it is shoved down my visual esophagus. Even as a layman watching the game, it was clear to me that what I was watching was just plain sloppy football. I think there was a total of 9 turnovers. There were 2 Brady interceptions and 3 Grossman interceptions. Things got so out of hand that even my girlfriend started screaming at the TV. At one point, right before a New England punt, she yelled: “Just kick the ball right to Devin Harris.” I then proceeded to laugh very hard in my head, and she of course, didn’t notice my amusement. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she meant to say “Devin Hester” because I was laughing too hard on the inside while envisioning the former Badger basketball player returning a punt in his Mavericks jersey (I never let myself feel guilty in these situations because I’m sure she internalizes laughter when I get the names of her favorite purse designers mixed up and other shit like that). Anyways, all tangents aside, I’m sure you understand what I’m trying to say: the Bears don’t look like the team they were just a month ago and it’s mostly the public’s own damn fault.

I think two things need to happen to jumpstart this season back to normality:

1.) First, Urlacher needs to officially redefine “The Right to Bear Arms.” Yes, I do mean the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. First of all, I’d like to say that it’s nice that Urlacher took this Amendment literally (yes- he has bear arms), but I do think that he could even take it a bit further. “The Right to Bear Arms” should come to mean that only Bears players are allowed to use their arms during the game; it will be Brian Urlacher’s job to enforce this new rule. This should help reestablish Rex’s recently dwindling focus which, once again, is due solely to talk of his supposed eyebrow waxing. It will also help him when it comes to not throwing interceptions and, more importantly, other teams’ players will be unable to do the referee-version of the taunting call (which will save us some serious face).

2.) Second, people need to seriously reconsider their chatter about Rex’s neat eyebrows. It’s really tearing him up inside. I know most people think that men who wax their eyebrows are about as cool as those parents who dressed up their speech impediment-plagued son, you know the one who can’t say his ‘R’s, as a damned pirate for Halloween… but honestly, give the poor guy a break. You know how you’re capable of convincing yourself that you’re a lot more athletic than you really are? Like in the shower when the soap slips out of one hand and falls into the other. Or when a soup can falls out of a cupboard and you actually catch it and you can’t help but start to feel like Spider Man? Well, Rex is the same way with his eyebrows. When people accuse him of waxing his eyebrows he starts to convince himself that he is more feminine than he really is. So, if we let this shitty article be the last mention of Rex’s eyebrows then “the Bears” will start playing more like “Da Bears” and maybe we’ll actually be able to do the Super Bowl Shuffle once again.