I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO HURT! SORRY BUEHRLES

by Tello Real, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

Jamie Buehrle, if we're going to make a mess in public, I'm going to clean it up in public. But I'm not about to retract my story. My For those of you not from the Chicagoland area, our little picture of Marky Mark in a Cardinals hat at Game 3 of the series was run on the front page of the Chicago Tribune Sports Page on Saturday. And it made Mrs. Buehrle mad at me. See, we reported that the pictures was taken in "Private Club Level" of Busch Stadium. The Tribune then reported the whereabouts of the photo-op as the "Redbird Club." Sure enough, the picture was actually taken in the measly "Club Level" of Busch Stadium. My bad on the "private," Jamie. I haven't seen worse attention to detail since the Nazi's accidentally took an Italian dude in Life is Beautiful. Italians aren't Jewish, you silly gooses.

Oh yeah, and Jamie says John overheard no such conversation. Well, I don't know what to say about that, as Rivalfish contributor John Conniff remains a trusted and reliable source who wouldn't lie to me unless it inolved him trying to deny that Terri Schiavo was hot when she was young. However, I offer this advice coupled with my actually-sincere apology for causing you any headache. I hope that I didn't cause a tiff between Mark and you, unless it results in him being fired up enough to break .500 this season. JK!! :) ;) SMOOCHES XOXOX. I know last year was a fluke. And I know I stand by my writers and their stories, because without them, I'd be so out of material the site would be full of "dead baby" jokes and photos of me in college that are only funny to me and maybe one of the other people in the picture. So here's that advice I was hyping like I did that pic of your husband within ten minutes of receiving it in my e-mail:

If you are ever trying to hunt down the bastards that report rumors about your husband, as well as analysis, game stats, quotes, and highlights, I'd take a look over at either ESPN or Comcast SportsNet. On the other hand, if you want to know which athlete your single girlfriends should try to f*ck this week, check out my Out of His League column on Rivalfish.com. It might even give you guys something different to talk about when you're in front of fans who just happen to know a guy with a sports website in Chicago. Plus, John would surely like those seedy stories a lot more anyway.

I'll even give you some names: Peter Gammons, Buster Olney, Anthony Guerreso, Jayson Stark. They've all talked about how Mark wants to someday play for the Cardinals, and how that "someday" could be 2007. (I, for one, hope it is not. #56 leaving town would lead to 56 attention-getting gashes upon my Sox-bracelet adorned wrists.) However, if you want to know about a guy who "Crop-Dusts" celebrities, talk to contributor Andy Kissko, or check out his tale of celebrity mingling below. So, on that note, I hope you see what I'm getting at. I’m sorry Jamie, and welcome to Rivalfish. That'll be a dolla-twenty-five!


TIM THE SILENT TUBA: Crop-Duster of the Rich and Famous

On the same day I received the story about the Buerhle's, I received the following message from contributor Andy Kissko. Until then, I was unaware of the thrilling practice of "crop-dusting." I will never be so naïve again. Unless she tells me she's had like "only two serious boyfriends," and "never usually does this."

"Firstly, I am not sure if you're familiar with the phrase and act I know as "Crop Dusting," where you walk by someone, fart silently, and walk away, leaving them to fester in your green cloud. So whenever my friends or I see a celebrity we always try to crop dust them. So instead of getting a phone call saying "Dude, I just saw Al Davis at a bar in Indianapolis" I get "Dude, I just (crop) dusted Al Davis at a bar in Indianapolis.

My friend Tim works at the Ralph Lauren store in the Georgetown neighborhood of D.C. and sells to all kinds of athletes, politicians and international dignitaries. He says Leftwich is as nice he can possibly be and A-Rod and Mark Brunell totally suck out loud. Tim also likes the Red Sox more than anyone I know likes any other team. Total fanatic. So, by definition, he hates the "Yank-offs". He also, really, really, really is irked by that famous fatass Tenor, Ronan Tynan singing "God Bless America" during the seventh inning stretch. The Yankees draw it out to ice the opposing pitcher and make his arm cool off, while passing it off as patriotism. He fucking hates him.

You see where this is going. I got a call from him last night- I could hear him beaming over the phone and hear how his smile was affecting the tonal quality of his voice. I got "Dude.....Guess who just crop dusted Ronan Tynan 3 minutes ago?" I guess he dropped it between some double doors on the way out and said it was positively putrid.

What a great guy to crop dust. I thought there was a chance you could appreciate that story (no offense), so I figured I'd pass it along, much like my friend Tim passed something along to Ronan." - Andy Kissko, Rivalfish contributor

No offense taken, Andy, and thank you for helping me show Jamie Buehrle why we are not a bigger waste of cyberspace than http://www.dhs.gov/index.shtm!