DON'T SAY WE NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR YA!

Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s our first attempt. Check it out. Check out Beachwood. Check out these adult-seeming activities for the next week in Chicago. But please come back. Maturity is for grad students and wine anyway - Tello Real, Rival Room Editor

THURSDAY: To Act Like a Man/ Show You Can Cook - Chili-A-Go-Go: Second Annual TimeOut Chicago Chili Cook-Off Contest. Martyr's. 3855 N. Lincoln. November 11th. 4pm - 7pm. SIGN UP NOW. At this age, knowing how to cook is much more attractive than being great at recreational sports. So be honest with yourself, and admit that while you may no longer be the best flag football player to come out of Joliet Catholic in the last 25 years, you still can be a dominant football tailgater. Here's a chance to show the opposite sex that you can cook as well as out-machismo at least your transvestite Aunt. TimeOut Chicago is a new magazine that thinks it has readership beyond my mom and three of her theatre-obsessed, menopausal friends. Send them 50 words or less about why your Crock-Pot creation kicks ass. They'll select 25 finalists from the best entries to compete side-by-side for prizes (and bragging rights) on November 11 at Martyrs’ (3855 N Lincoln Ave at Berenice Ave). Now find a good recipe online and practice like a champ. E-mail eatoutdrinkup@timeoutchicago.com.


FRIDAY: To See College Drop-Outs on a Dais/ Be a Groupie - 2006-07 Chicago Bulls Tip-off Luncheon. Hyatt Regency. 11:15am. Try telling your boss that you spent $75 dollars, so you need to take a long lunch and go eat banquet food and listen to the entire Bulls roster say things like "it's really going to be an exciting year," and "It's been a pleasure learning from a veteran like Ben Wallace." Do people get out of work cause they really want to go to nonsense events like this, or do they use it as a not-so-terrible way to entertain clients and get out of work? I'd use it as a perfect opportunity to test my assassin skills. You're mine Sweetney, you extra-large target, you!


SATURDAY: To Read/ See Marketing At Its Worst - Eric Bischoff: Controversy Creates Cash. By Eric Bischoff with Jeremy Roberts. WWE Series. $26.00. Who on Earth would sit down in front of a room full of accomplished executives and say, "I think the sports-reading populace needs an Eric Bischoff book to be reinvigorated with athlete biographies?" Why would anyone justify a book about the loser that managed to make WCW "the shit" for about a year-and-a-half out of Pro Wrestling's 25-year-run through our culture, only to drive it down to its knees faster than Kirsten Dunst at her Marie Antoinette audition? Oh, I know, I know: the company that bought the WCW when it was on it's knees, stole all of its characters and fans, and took over the TV Wrestling landscape forever. Ladies and Gentleman, I present you to the New York Yankees of Sports Entertainment, World Wrestling Entertainment. Spend your Saturday taking down this easy read, or expect an unexpected Suplex.


SUNDAY: To Exercise/ Ride Chicago's Latest Bandwagon of Choice –Trick or Treat Trot '06. Lincoln Park @ Montrose Harbor. 9am Start. Oh Lord, the Runners are at it again. Do you run? If you don't I don't want to date you, nor does anyone else in Chicago right now. Well, good for the Lincoln Park Pacers, because everyone knows they have the social skills of Jeffrey Dahmer's really rude cousin. The Pacers are the rightminded organization that puts on this event and donates the proceeds to LaRabida Children's Hospital. Hey Pacers, do you really donate that money to the hospital, or are you more like the famed Lincoln Park Pirates, and pocket all the money. Which is it, ya hear? Is there even a "LaRabida Children's Hospital." Sounds like it's full of Witch Doctors, if you ask me.


MONDAY: To Start the Week With Some Exercise/ Help a Guy Stay Employed - Billy Blanks: Tae Bo - Billy's Favorite Movers. $14.98 on DVD. Pick up this DVD and try a workout that surely works, but is as popular and legit these days as the Atkins Diet. And I bet I know what one of Billy's "favorite moves" is: Having a career! He's not going to have one much longer if people don't learn to drop 15 bones into the coffers of this sad and pathetic, charitable cause. I'd still pay to see someone win a fight using Tae Bo, though.


TUESDAY: To Be a Jackass/ Find Outlet for Crack-Addiction. The Chiditarod. Start in Wicker Park. 12:30 pm. 4 to 5 teams, all in GORY, HORRIFIC HALLOWEEN THEMES, will line up at the END of the parade route, facing the BEGINNING of the parade, 3 or 4 blocks away. The gun/whistle/flamethrower goes off, and teams of five riding shopping carts rather than dogsleds sprint the length of the course - right down the middle of the abandoned street, racing towards where the parade actually starts, in front of 17,000 spectators who are lining the sidewalks on Halstead. The winning team is greeted by a flamethrower blast, music, etc, and some sort of EVIL prize. When the Sprint is over, the parade begins, and the participants then march with carts in the parade. So, stoners plan parades these days, or is that just a Wicker Park thing?


WEDNESDAY: To Be Inspired/ To Be Demoralized: Ed Viesturs @ Borders Books and Music. 830 N. Michigan Ave. 7:30 pm. Thought you had a tough day cause the elevator was broken in your building and you had to run the same set of papers down a floor cause your boss is an asshbag? I bet Ed Viesturs also had a lot of "tough" days throughout is Endeavor 8000, at the completion of which he became only the sixth person to ever summit all 14 8000-ft peaks in the world. And I guess he did it without oxygen? That's impressive. I can't even kiss my girlfriend when I have a cold without feeling like I'm suffocating. I think I'll see you all at Borders. I need to sack up.