DAN RASPATELLO's TOP FIVE

"Here at The Rival Room, we have been brainstorming for some new ideas. I decided to come up with a weekly Top 5. Every Friday I will pick a random topic that has something to do with sports (and sometimes it might not), and rank, in my opinion, The Top 5. So for those of us in the working world, casual Friday just got a little more casual, because this article is not going to be founded in facts or comprised of a pool of experts." -Dan Raspatello

Top 5 Black Characters in a Sports Movie

5. Andre Krimm (Sinbad) in Necessary Roughness (1991): For those of you who do not remember this movie, it is about a fictional college (Texas State University Fightin' Alamos) that, due to NCAA sanctions, has to build a team without scholarship players. Therefore, they must comb the campus for non-Blue Chip students and faculty willing to play Division I college football. They recruit their old 34-year-old QB who still has a year left of eligibility, and also one of his old teammates, who happens to be a genius science professor. That science professor is Andre Krim played by First Kid star, Sinbad. Sinbad is a middle-aged dorky professor, but despite age and dweebism is still the best player on the team. This character solidified the age-old fact that white people are not as athletically gifted as black people. Every white science professor in the world is a shade less athletically gifted than a sleeping paraplegic, but a black science professor can still play DI football if he so chooses.


4. Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) in Jerry Maguire (1996): The good old days, before Tom Cruise started jumping on couches and doing his worst acting performance in playing a straight man. When most men are in love, they lie to their friends about their weekend plans so they can spend time with their newfound chica. But nut-job Tom Cruise jumps on Oprah's white couch, which a plethora of Eastern European Asian toddlers spent all night making for 2 cents an hour.

Jerry Maguire is the one chick-flick that every man in America can watch openly. This is the only chick-flick that a guy can watch with his girlfriend, and not have to lie to his friends about what he is really doing. This movie would probably be #1 on a list for All-Time Greatest Date Movies, but for this countdown in comes in at #4. Rod Tidwell was an undersized and underpaid receiver who didn't dance and made catches across the middle of the field, and Jerry Maguire was a down-on-his-luck agent who dedicated his life to Rod getting paid. Most of you are probably wondering how Cuba Gooding could win an Academy Award for his performance, but not even crack my top 3. What can I say, those f*cking overly regurgitated lines make me want to kill myself. Every time somebody wins any form of money through any means, whether it is on television or in real life, they must yell, "Show me the money!!" It might be the most overused movie line ever. Even more overused then, "you talking to me," "say hello to my little friend," and "you're my boy, Blue." For time's sake I am not going to even get into, "you had me at hello,""you complete me," and "kwan."


3. Willie Mays Hays (Wesley Snipes) in Major League (1989): After showing up to spring training uninvited and getting removed from the facilities while sleeping, he literally ran his way onto his team. This is an epic movie scene that will surely join the shower scene in Psycho and the suicide scene in Thelma & Louise as one of the greatest scenes of all time. Willie woke up outdoors in his bed, and won the race to first base while still in his PJs.

"Willie Mays Hayes, here. Play like Mays, and I run like Hayes" -Willie Mays Hays

"You may run like Mays, but you hit like sh*t." -Lou Brown (Manager)

I remember when I was in Little League and my mom screamed at me for attempting to nail batting gloves into the wall to show off all of my stolen bases. My father wasn"t necessarily mad at me for attempting to destroy his house, but instead for idolizing a fictional character and not Mickey Mantle, Peter Frampton, or Robert DeNiro

On top of all this he is the only baseball player I have ever seen score from second on a bunt and run to win the American League Pennant. "Hayes around third, he's gonna try to score!"


2. The Oreo Line: Terry (Jussie Smollett), Guy, and Jesse (Brandon Quinton Adams) in The Mighty Ducks (1992): This line showed people across this great country that if black people wanted to, they could dominate hockey as well. The greatest line in hockey cinema history featured two African-American boys and one Caucasian (in case you are faking to be too liberal to get the "Oreo" part). The center piece of this line was left-winger Jesse (Brandon Quinton Adams a.k.a. the token black child actor of the early '90s). Jesse was the best player on the Ducks until that "Cake-Eater" Adam Banks got redistricted to the Ducks. Jesse used to call everybody a "Cake-Eater," especially Gordon Bombay and players on the Hawks. Jesse was so cool that I still don't even know what "Cake-Eater" means. All I know is that a child actor has made me feel insecure about enjoying my favorite dessert since I was 9.

The Oreo Line will be most fondly remembered as the first line to ever implement the Flying V. Coach Bombay had a revolutionary move up his sleeve that would involve a high degree of coordination, and knew that only The Oreo Line could pull it off. He knew that the uncoordinated white kids such as Charlie Conway (Joshua Jackson) or Averman were not capable of such charisma. The Flying V is like the And 1 Mix Tape of Pee-Wee hockey. And if all white guys did the And 1 Mix Tape it would turn into an instructional video on chest passes, and set shots. Thank God they stopped after The Professor.


1. Kenny DeNunez (Brandon Quinton Adams) in The Sandlot (1993): B.Q.A. is owning this version of the Top 5. Kenny was the pitcher in one of the greatest Disney children movies ever made. Kenny wasn't even a main character in this movie, but I feel it is about time he gets some recognition for the subtle racism he experiences throughout the movie. Let's face it, this movie takes place in 1962 and these people are yet to live through the Civil Rights movement. Kenny never had a chance to be treated fairly by his racist teammates. Everybody else on the team got to run around and play field positions, and occasionally hit. All Kenny got to do is throw batting practice to Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez. Can Kenny get at least one AB? He comes out everyday and throws batting practice to a group of white kids that treat him like shit. If they would have given Kenny a chance to run the bases, maybe he would have been called "The Jet." But no, those racist little shits never gave him a chance.

How about how Benny is the one that has to get the Babe Ruth signed ball? The racial undertones implying that Kenny is too scared of dogs to go get the ball are painfully obvious. Finally, Kenny leaves the sandlot when he is older, and finally allowed to showcase his skills, goes on to play minor league baseball. Oh, and don't even get me started on the pool scene..... Disney, how do you sleep at night?