DAN RASPATELLO's TOP FIVE: Top Five Things I Want To Tell Lou Piniella

by Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

"Here at The Rival Room, we have been brainstorming for some new ideas. I decided to come up with a weekly Top 5. Every Friday I will pick a random topic that has something to do with sports (and sometimes it might not), and rank, in my opinion, The Top 5. So for those of us in the working world, casual Friday just got a little more casual, because this article is not going to be founded in facts or comprised of a pool of experts." -Dan Raspatello

With the future Hall of Famer ready to tackle the biggest challenge of his managerial career (yes, that includes the Devil Rays) I decided that I would let Lou in a couple things.

5. Relax:

Lou, I know you are hearing a lot about the pressure to win right now. Well, Lou, as a lifetime Cubs fan I will let you in on a secret; you don’t really have to win now. The Cubs have sucked for a really long time, and we still turn out sold out crowds everyday. The new front office is talking a big game about how you have to win immediately, but look at the front office as you would look at the teacher in high school who always threatened detention but, in reality, you could walk all over her. The Cubs front office was as tough as they said they were wouldn’t they have fired Jim Hendry, or not let Dusty Baker finish out the year (Dusty had the worst team in the NL with the 7th highest payroll in baseball).


4. Flip-out:

As the baseball season turns into September, hopefully you will be in the middle of a Pennant race, but if not, don’t sweat it. All you have to do is have a couple of your token meltdowns, and all will be forgiven for another crapper season. Every September in Wrigleyville the season winds down and gets boring. But if you start going nuts (i.e. kick dirt on the plate, let spit fly out of your mouth when you yell, or take a base out of the ground and leave with it) the fans will love you despite your record. We are used to sucking, but we usually suck with a shitty manager who gnaws at toothpicks worse than an A.D.D. kid gnaws on his fingernails. Thus, if we get to see a lunatic in the dugout it will top 95% of most seasons.


3. Aramis Rameriz is Lazy:

Yes, he is going to hit 30 homeruns and drive in 100 RBIs, but he is not going to sprint to first base. Lou, you like hustle, so this is probably going to drive you nuts. You need to know this going in, and to divert your mind from A-Ram, pay attention to Zambrano. He is the Latin version of you. You guys probably shouldn’t go out drinking together. Just like you, Zambrano has no control over his emotions and all he cares about is winning. I foresee a vicious high-five breaking somebody's hand by early May. Let's just hope it is yours because we both know that Prior and Wood will be on the 30 day DL by then.


2. Do Not Fight a Fan:

Most Cubs fans really suck. They know nothing about baseball and are mainly there for the atmosphere. You know everything about baseball, and some drunk moron with a Sosa jersey is going to piss you off. Lou, this isn’t Tampa Bay. If you beat a fan up it will make the national media. So get used to a bunch of 20-something yuppies and guys acting like they are 20-something yuppies being obnoxious at every single game. When you are about to lose your cool and kill a fan, divert your attention to one of the over-abundance of hot girls, or Matt Murton's hair.


1. Prior Is A Pussy:

I know you think that you can get him to play with passion, and when he does he will be the best pitcher in the NL. Sorry, Lou, you are wrong. He is softer than a Pac 10 defense and silk sheets. He is going to tell you he strained his shoulder and has to go on the DL. In reality he really just wants to cuddle up on his couch at home and have a Hugh Grant movie marathon.... and maybe be bad and have some ice cream. Lou, when he asks you if you think English accents are cute, just say yes. I know you will want to kill him, but he will cry and just go on the DL for longer. Also, he is the kind of puss who would tell on you, not to the sports media, but to his mom or the E! Channel. He may also gossip behind your back and get other players on the team to hate you. If Kerry Wood wants to know if you called him fat it is because Prior told him you said his butt looks bad in baseball pants.