AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE MARATHONS?

by Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

This past Sunday thousands of people poured into the city of Chicago for the annual Chicago Marathon. In total 40,000 runners hit the streets of Chicago representing all 50 states and over 100 countries (but mainly Kenya). More impressively, the Chicago Marathon had 39,000 more participants than the World Series has had viewers outside of St. Louis or Detroit. I heard a rumor that after both New York teams and the L.A. Dodgers were knocked out of the playoffs, FOX tried to sell the rights to the World Series broadcast to the WB for six rerun episodes of The Gilmore Girls. Major League Baseball is secretly hoping that Kenny Rogers is cheating, so people may start paying attention to the World Series.

I spent the entire summer of ’05 training for last years Chicago Marathon before quitting 3 weeks prior to the event. I had completed all the long runs for the training, but after returning to college in September for my senior year I had a lifestyle conflict. It took me less than two weeks to destroy everything I had spent the past 4 months working for. In hindsight, putting my body through marathon training was maybe the worst idea of my life. In fact, there are many things about the marathon that boggle my mind. Thus, I have put together a list of things in regards to the marathon for you to ponder.


Why Do People Pay for the Right to Run 26.2 Miles?

There are two business men in this world that really impress me: 1.) The guy who sold the idea that people would buy bottled water, and 2.) The guy who sold the idea that people would pay to run a marathon. I don’t know who is smarter, the guy who said that you could sell water (the free stuff you get out of your sink) for more than gasoline, or the guy who convinced a city that they could charge $100 per person for the right to run 26.2 miles while promising that corporate sponsors would pour in millions as well. I wish I would have been in the room when this idea was sprung. “I say we charge people to run themselves to a point of near death. They will pay us, we will get the whole city to shut down all their streets, we will get corporate sponsors, thousands of people are guaranteed to run in it, and network television will pay us to cover it.”


Why Do People Actually Watch the Marathon?

The only thing more boring than running for hours straight is watching somebody run for hours straight. Next time you see somebody jogging past your house think about how terrible it would be to watch that for four straight hours. I went to the marathon last year after I quit it, and I can sit here and tell you that on that morning, Michael Jackson had better decision making skills than I did. It isn’t like people are running fast. In fact, everybody outside of the Kenyans is running about as fast as the kid who faked like he had asthma when you had the Mile Run in grade school. I am not knocking the runners. It is an amazing accomplishment to run that far, but when you are running 26 miles, you aren’t exactly cruising.


Fat People Who Critique the Marathon:

I was enjoying my crowded ride on Chicago Public Transportation on Sunday during the marathon when I overheard some 45-year-old fat lady critiquing the marathon. What about one of your relatives running the marathon, working at a shoe store, or participating in community service and passing out water, qualifies you to know what it takes to run 26.2 miles? I would rather have Sean Salisbury tell me how much mental toughness a pro QB needs to win a Super Bowl, or have the homeless crazy guy on the “El” quote the Bible and reassure me that, in fact, Jesus does love me. Seriously, Chubs, walk up and down a staircase without holding your side, and then you can tell me about the strategy behind running a marathon in under 4 hours.


What Your Body Undergoes During Training:

After putting my body through runs up to 20 miles I can tell you first-hand some of the gross shit that happens to you during training. Leaving out the obvious aches and pains your legs go through, there are two extremely gross things that happen to you:

1.) nipple bleeding, and
2.) runner’s shits.

Anytime you are running so far that somehow your nipples start bleeding, it is pretty obvious God is trying to give you a sign. So before long runs you have to put bandages, tape or Vaseline on your nips to prevent them from bleeding through your shirt, and hurting more than a post Taco Bell poop. I personally went with the Vaseline, so I could finally have a logical excuse for why I keep it close to my bed and how I go through a tub of it faster than a kid with cold sores.

The worst part of training for a marathon is if you don’t eat healthy and don’t stop drinking there is a 100% chance that you will experience runner’s shits at some point during a long run. Runner’s shits come out of nowhere and you have less than 60 seconds to find a toilet before you have some very non-solid poop pouring out of you. If you mix any food that a sorority girl won’t eat with running over 10 miles, it will have more of an effect on you than mixing spicy food with Ex-Lax.

Those are the things that boggle my mind about the marathon. If you have anything else to add let me know.