OUT of HIS LEAGUE: Chase Down Chase, But Don't Land Landis

"Each Monday, Rivalfish's Rival Room awards two athletes from the previous week that have performed 'out of their league,' for better or worse. As the Jersey Chasers of the land open their mouths and aim for the midsections of anyone wearing a jersey, we at Rivalfish help them navigate the VIP room waters with precision and class" - Rival Room Editor

jer·sey cha·ser, n, A person who only pursues, or is receptive to, the advances of athletes. Most commonly women and most commonly found on or around college campuses or professional sporting contests.

by Tello Reál, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

Another Sunday night and another bitchy, pussy, whiny mood out of Yours Truly. I'm sitting at my girlfriend's, who now loathes me, while she makes pasta and talks to her ex on the phone. Even if she lets me have any of that pasta, I will have gotten to taste it second, if ya see what I'm sayin'. Meanwhile, I'm listening to her Japanese exchange student's IPOD that is playing a track perfect for a Rape-and-Murder combo while I try to find enough Goodwill in me to help out you skanks in your voyage to become lucratively impregnated. Why don't you slats just mercy f*ck me for now. Cheer me up. Make me feel like a star! Just kidding Lady Friend! Tiff or no tiff, I'm still more p-whipped than Johnny Cash post-Speed Addiction.

I saw that girl a-walkin'
Her choice rack makin' me dumb
But if I keep on lookin' my girl will tear off my scrot-UM
I'm stuck in P-whpped prison, and life keeps draggin' on....

God, I should have learned to play the axe. Nevertheless, I didn't, and every time I try to impress a girl with the rhythm guitar part of Pearl Jam's Alive, she waits for the solo until she realizes it's not coming. Then she sleeps with my roommate.

Sorry, I need to cheer up. I need a feat so terrific and outstanding in today's world of Sport that I immediately forget my sour mood, rekindle my love, and free my mind to annoint a winner. I'd read ESPN.com if they were a little more Harassment-Friendly, but for now I'll keep paying my intern $0.00/hr to do it for me. So what happened today, Slave, I mean Eric? Chase Utley extended his hitting streak to 30 games? What team is he on? What league does he play in? Has he even been in The Show for 30 games? I couldn't tell you if Chase Utley is a Black or White gentleman. Or niether! Oh wait, his name is Chase Utley. Nevermind.

So 31games. That puts him in the company of less than 10 guys in the last 100 years. There have been over 7 Million professional baseball players to take an at bat in that time. The exact same amount of guys Eddie Murphy has accidentally paid for a blow job. Or merely given a ride home to. Amongst that list we have Ty Cobb a couple times, George Sisler, Pete Rose, Paul Moliter, The Other DiMaggio, Rogers Honsby, and even Benito Santiago. That's a dugout-full of Hall of Famers and one charming and affable Hispanic man with a Jerry Curl. It reminds me of one of those fantasies I read when I had to type-out my Grandma's memoirs for her.

Well, now that list has a.....career, uh, .291 hitter. Oh wait, that's actually pretty good. He's only a third year man and is batting near-.330 this year. Wow, I haven't had anything backfire as bad as that intended argument since the time I started cycling steroids to get huge for a chick, only to have her snicker, laugh, and then puke the moment I finally earned the right to drop my drawers in front of her. But whatever, he's a bad-looking, semi-scrawny white guy who I may or may not have gone to high school with. My point is, on any other day, Chase Utley is any other guy. However, today he's as cool as Benito Santiago by association. If anyone has ever traveled to Acapulco with Benny and a suitcase full of amphetamines, you'll know what I'm talking about. Enjoy it Chase, and don't forget to take pictures, cause you are RIVALFISH's JERSEY-CHASER TARGET of the WEEK! And don't take it for granted, as it could be over before you say "Hey! Is that boy regulation age?" You're facing Danny Almonte tonight.

As if you Chasers even read this action, now I have to anoint a "loser" despite my skyrocketing fever and deteriorating relationship. And to make my rancor worse, I took a bad softball slide in shorts yesterday and have a wound that looks fresh off a Fallujah mortar attack. But way less pussy. Soldiers and their whining and dying. So 2003. Girls, besides the unlucky sap I'm about to name, also don't f*ck soldiers and marines who have seen active fire over seas. Unless you want to get slapped, strangled, and inexplicably called a filthy Camel Jockey mid-thrust.

But I digress. Hey Floyd Landis, that's such a coincidence! The night before my most important Pee Wee AAA hockey game, I had six shots of whiskey and eight beers! You should've seen my testosterone that next day. It was at the level of an 18-year-old on HGH and Cialis. Totally man, I swear. But if I were to promise that I wouldn't tell anyone your secret, would you still be blaming your positive doping test on a night out with your right hand and a lubed-up bike chain mere hours before the hardest stage of The Tour? Or would you say, "Yeah Mike, even though I had never finished higher than seventh in The Tour, with Lance out this year, and all the attention on his one nut and constant scrutiny, I figured I could shoot up and slip by the authorities." You'll feel a lot better if you're honest. And even if this is just a case of a few cocktails and some cockhead luck, you still look like the mean old man from Monster House. Sluts, for your sake more than mine, please DO NOT LAY FLOYD LANDIS!

Check Out Past Award Winners So That Our Graphic Design Intern Doesn't Feel Any Worse Than She Already Does About the Forced Labor That Went Into Making These Certificates. I'm Sure They Weren't Her First Rug Burns.