LADIES LOVE OBSCURE RIVALRIES: THE WEEKEND IN SPORTS!

By Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

This week I needed a little break from the world of obscure rivalries. I just found the irony in me writing a weekly article on something obscure for the past 6 months too much for me to take. If I can produce one a week for a ½ of a year, they obviously aren’t too obscure

Two weeks ago I made a joke about how ½ of me was awaiting my mandatory military obligation to Israel. A shitty joke making fun of myself for having one parent who thinks Barbra Streisand has done more for entertainment than Bill Gates has done with his foundation. Of course, the day after I make the joke, Israel gets into a war with Lebanon. This isn’t good, because according to Fox News this means that World War III is starting any day now. Anyway, after accumulating a 1/1 Middle East Military Joke/War Initiation ratio, I have learned my lesson.

The Tour de France happened over this weekend, and another American, Floyd Landis, won. Floyd Landis sounds more like a guy who would do your taxes then a world champion athlete. Unfortunately for Landis if you haven’t survived a life threatening disease nobody cares if you won the Tour. The first Tour de France without Lance Armstrong is about as exciting as… well, a bike race. By the way Landis looks exactly like the bad guy in the new movie Monster House

That’s right; I am trying to reach our 11-and-under fan base. The good news is America has kept its World Dominance in cycling. That’s right, we have finally reached a moment in history where American athletics is synonymous with International Cycling Supremacy. Name one person who would not have given up international dominance in baseball, basketball, and hockey for this moment. From now on when you think of the Dream Team you will no longer associate it with The USA Olympic Basketball team, but instead a bunch of skinny guys wearing spandex, and riding bikes for a month in the mountains of France.

Speaking of the Dream Team, tryouts for USA basketball just started this week in Las Vegas. This sounds like a genius move. Let’s hold a tryout for a bunch of dirty rich twentysomething guys in the one city where Gambling and Prostitution is legal. Allen Iverson didn’t get asked to come and tryout for Team USA. This is the best move that Team USA coach Mike Krzyzewski (Coach K) has made thus far. For a guy who refused to show up or try at practice, he probably isn’t going to respond too well to the concept of a tryout. This also marks the first time that any of the 24 players that were invited to the tryout have ever had to tryout for anything related to basketball.

I do question some of the choices that Coach K made, however, when picking the players that would be invited to the tryout: For starters, Adam Morrison and J.J. Redick. I can understand at first what Coach K was thinking. I mean, these guys have had long prosperous careers in the NBA. Wait, nevermind, I confused them for players like Allen Iverson and Ben Wallace who are not at camp. J.J. Reddick and Adam Morrison are just the two fan-friendly White Guys from this year’s draft.

Apparently Kobe Bryant and Adam Morrison got in a little scuffle at a bar after a practice when the guys went out for a beer to do a little bonding. Bryant called Morrison a little bitch for ordering a diet and rum when all the other players all ordered a beer. Allegedly Kobe said, “Yo, J.J., your boy Morrison drinks diet pop like a little bitch.� This was followed by Adam Morrison crying and chasing Kobe around the bar with his Insulin needle.

Another questionable move is asking Shane Battier to come and tryout. Former Real Team USA Assistant Coach K, take your finger off the ex-Duke Player Trigger for one second before USA Basketball’s reputation gets hurt any further. I understand that we need more role players, but Battier is a role player for an okay-at-best NBA team. Coach K, I think they meant more Great Players who are willing to be role players like Elton Brand (who did get invited) and Ray Allen (who is not at the tryouts). I know I am a white guy who has merely seen 8 Mile way too many times, but if Shane Battier is not the definition of an “Uncle Tom� then I don’t know what is. Are we trying to pick a team that John Rocker and Jefferson Davis would agree with, or a team that is going to win the World Championships and the Olympics?

The trade deadline for Major League Baseball is fast approaching, and the Chicago White Sox are making more trades than the poor kid at your old lunch table. Of course the White Sox will somehow trade their brown banana for a pack of Gushers (i.e. Aaron Rowand for Jim Thome), and win another World Series. The Cubs will trade their washed up veterans for some promising prospects who will suck for the Cubs, but then get traded again to another team and become All-Stars (i.e. Corey Patterson this year, and before I get some angry comment, I know the Cubs drafted Patterson and they did not trade for him).

Tiger Woods won his third British Open this week by pulling away at the very end from the late-charging Chris DiMarco. DiMarco was complaining that it was unfair that Tiger got to win the British Open. When asked why, DiMarco said, “Because even if he lost he would still get to have sex with his ridiculously hot wife.�

So that just about covers anything you need to know about what has recently been going on in the sporting world. ESPN, I apologize for killing your ratings once again.