DAN RASPATELLO's TOP FIVE
By Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com
"Here at the RivalRoom, we have been brainstorming for some new ideas. I decided to come up with a weekley Top 5. Every Friday I will pick a random topic that has something to do with sports (and sometimes it might not), and rank in my opinion, The Top 5. So for those of us in the working world, casual Friday just got a little more casual, because this article is not going to be founded in facts or comprised in a pool of experts. I just want you to know, I didn't have to Google a single fact for this article" -Dan Raspatello
TOP FIVE SAVED BY THE BELL RIVALRIES
5. Valley v. Bayside: This rivalry makes Michigan v Ohio St. look like an overly competitive Men’s League softball rivalry (Kevin’s Irish Pub v. O’Sullivans Bar & Grill). Whether it was Screech v. The Russian kid in Chess, Slater in football or wrestling, Kelly in cheerleading or all other forms of girls’ sports, Zack in track or the mascot-stealing prank war, Bayside and Valley had their biggest dates of the year against each other. This rivalry was so intense that I firmly believe neither school ever participated in any extracurricular activity against another high school. And you thought the Yankees playing Boston 19 times a year was a lot of exposure for a rivalry.
Unfortunately for Valley this rivalry is one-sided, to say the least. Valley had a rough time from 1989-1993, having a combined record of 0 wins and 476 losses in every single intersholastic event against Bayside. For some reason, the odds makers never saw it this way. Bayside was the underdog every single time, but always managed to sneak out a “W� due to some unusual circumstance (Zack’s zit cream turning everybody’s face read, etc).
4. Screech v. Himself in the Battle for Lisa Turtle’s Heart: In case dorky kids in the early ‘90s across America didn’t have enough reason to be insecure, God gave them Samuel “Screech� Powers. Although Saved By The Bell was grossly inaccurate with the inner workings of a popular high school social group, they were very correct in the matter that guys like Screech didn’t land girls like Lisa. In movies and other TV shows, the underdog always gets the girl, and this gave hope to all losers across America. But then SBTB (that is the street name for the show) came around and reassured losers in every high school that their hopes of landing their own Lisa Turtle would never happen, no matter how hard they tried.
Although Lisa continuously reminded Screech of all of his insecurities, and rejected him as harshly as possible, he never gave up. Screech was a dork and Lisa Turtle was way too conceited to date a dork. Thus, Screech’s own worst enemy was himself. How about how big of a dick Zack and Slater were? Always complaining about there own girl problems, even though they could get any piece of tail in Bayside, while never once consoling Screech on his girl problems. Saved By The Bell set back dorks, dweebs, losers, geeks and tools another ten years.
3.
Zack v. Belding tied w
ith Zach v. Mr. Carosi: Lets face it; loose cannons like Zack Morris don’t deal well with authority. Whether it was his boss or his principal there was a good chance Zack was going to pull a fast one on you. But there was an even better chance that Zack was going to get caught. Although every guy wanted to be Zack Morris and every girl wanted Zack Morris, he could never pull off one of his own scams. Every episode Zack would have a scheme which centered around him doing something sneaky for his own benefit, and then at the end of the episode he would get caught and apologize. The thing that pissed me off the most was that Zack could freeze time, yet he would still always get c
aught. Can an SBTB writer please explain this to me? How come Belding was dumb as shit, and had no control over real time, but would catch Zack every time he tried to sneak in the girls’ locker room or try to pretend like Max (the guy who owned the Max) was his dad.
While Belding always got the upper hand on Zack Attack (also the name of their band), Leon Carosi did not have the same luck when it came to his showdowns with the smooth criminal Zack Morris. Even if Carosi would have gotten the upper hand in their constant battles, Zack still would have won the war. This is for one reason and one reason only: he was running shop on Carosi’s daughter. Is there a bigger slap in the face your enemy can deliver then dating your daughter? And she was a college girl… you Sonofabitch. For all you over protective fathers out there, I have a little bit of advice for you. Nothing will make your daughter want to date a guy more then if you openly resent him. In the beginning of the summer, Stacy (the daughter) couldn’t stand Zack, but as the feud grew between her over-protective dad and Zack, all of the sudden she wanted Zack like an AIDS patient wants an immune system.
2. Jessie Spano v. Caffeine Pills: “I’m so excited, I’m so excited… I’m so scared.� The episode where Jessie is battling the rising popularity of their girl group and the pressure of midterms. Jessie comes to the conclusion that their just is not enough hours in the day for her overachieving-self to work with. So what does Jessie turn to? Aderall? Cocaine? No, you idiots, this show was featured at 10am on Saturday mornings. She gets hooked on caffeine pills. And you know what? I don’t blame her. I blame that asshole group of friends she roles with. The first season-and-a half-features a battle between Zack and Slater for Kelly’s heart, and Screech’s infatuation with Lisa. Jessie just has to deal with the insecurities of being tall, feminist, and awkward. So after Zack wins Kelly (which you had to have Down’s to not see coming), Slater takes his constellation prize, Jessie. She is forced to date a “sexist pig� that would rather be dating her best friend. And there is nothing a feminist likes more then her boyfriend calling her “mamma.� We should just be thankful that Jessie didn’t pick up an eating disorder on free agency. The fact that the most averse effect that resulted from her crappy friends is Jessie trying out No-Doze for a week is a miracle.
Yet in the end she beats the evil over-the-counter drug due to an Emmy-worthy scene when Zack gets her to kick the junk. Little did Jessie know that high school wasn’t going to get any easier because she was still going to have to deal with “C� average Zack getting a better SAT score (1500), getting rejected from almost every college, and Screech winning Valedictorian over her. Eventually, all of these high school pressure turned Jessie Spano into a stripper
1. Zack v. Slater, for Kelly’s Heart: The Heartthrob v. The Jock, who would win out? Slater was a 17-Sport All-Stater, the Hispanic military brat (shocker, a Hispanic in Southern California), and the cool guy who laughed in the face of us conventional chair users. Zack was “preppy,� had his own personal sidekick, had the capability of freezing time, and was the main character of the show. In the end Zack ended up winning the heart of Kelly, which ultimately ended the popularity run of the Jerry curl mullet. In my opinion, Zack had one crucial characteristic in winning Kelly’s heart that Slater did not have: money. Kelly was completely perfect except for the fact that her dad was broke, and trying to pay for all 121 of his children (Kelly was the oldest of 7). Slater lived with his dad, Major Slater. And lets face it, lifers in the military aren’t exactly raking it in. Zack was a rich kid who had a cell phone before most families even had cordless phones in their home. For Kelly it was either pick up a second job outside being a waitress at the Max, or date Zack over Slater. Sorry Slater, but no State Championship, backwards chair, jerry curl mullet, or tank top can compensate for an endless bank role.
Honorable mention: Kelly v. Acne, Screech v. Kevin (his robot), Lisa Turtle v. Tori Spelling, Buddy Bands v. Friendship Bracelets, and Zack Attack (featuring the hit song Friends Forever) v. Zack’s ego.
"Here at the RivalRoom, we have been brainstorming for some new ideas. I decided to come up with a weekley Top 5. Every Friday I will pick a random topic that has something to do with sports (and sometimes it might not), and rank in my opinion, The Top 5. So for those of us in the working world, casual Friday just got a little more casual, because this article is not going to be founded in facts or comprised in a pool of experts. I just want you to know, I didn't have to Google a single fact for this article" -Dan Raspatello
TOP FIVE SAVED BY THE BELL RIVALRIES
5. Valley v. Bayside: This rivalry makes Michigan v Ohio St. look like an overly competitive Men’s League softball rivalry (Kevin’s Irish Pub v. O’Sullivans Bar & Grill). Whether it was Screech v. The Russian kid in Chess, Slater in football or wrestling, Kelly in cheerleading or all other forms of girls’ sports, Zack in track or the mascot-stealing prank war, Bayside and Valley had their biggest dates of the year against each other. This rivalry was so intense that I firmly believe neither school ever participated in any extracurricular activity against another high school. And you thought the Yankees playing Boston 19 times a year was a lot of exposure for a rivalry.Unfortunately for Valley this rivalry is one-sided, to say the least. Valley had a rough time from 1989-1993, having a combined record of 0 wins and 476 losses in every single intersholastic event against Bayside. For some reason, the odds makers never saw it this way. Bayside was the underdog every single time, but always managed to sneak out a “W� due to some unusual circumstance (Zack’s zit cream turning everybody’s face read, etc).
4. Screech v. Himself in the Battle for Lisa Turtle’s Heart: In case dorky kids in the early ‘90s across America didn’t have enough reason to be insecure, God gave them Samuel “Screech� Powers. Although Saved By The Bell was grossly inaccurate with the inner workings of a popular high school social group, they were very correct in the matter that guys like Screech didn’t land girls like Lisa. In movies and other TV shows, the underdog always gets the girl, and this gave hope to all losers across America. But then SBTB (that is the street name for the show) came around and reassured losers in every high school that their hopes of landing their own Lisa Turtle would never happen, no matter how hard they tried.Although Lisa continuously reminded Screech of all of his insecurities, and rejected him as harshly as possible, he never gave up. Screech was a dork and Lisa Turtle was way too conceited to date a dork. Thus, Screech’s own worst enemy was himself. How about how big of a dick Zack and Slater were? Always complaining about there own girl problems, even though they could get any piece of tail in Bayside, while never once consoling Screech on his girl problems. Saved By The Bell set back dorks, dweebs, losers, geeks and tools another ten years.
3.
Zack v. Belding tied w
ith Zach v. Mr. Carosi: Lets face it; loose cannons like Zack Morris don’t deal well with authority. Whether it was his boss or his principal there was a good chance Zack was going to pull a fast one on you. But there was an even better chance that Zack was going to get caught. Although every guy wanted to be Zack Morris and every girl wanted Zack Morris, he could never pull off one of his own scams. Every episode Zack would have a scheme which centered around him doing something sneaky for his own benefit, and then at the end of the episode he would get caught and apologize. The thing that pissed me off the most was that Zack could freeze time, yet he would still always get c
aught. Can an SBTB writer please explain this to me? How come Belding was dumb as shit, and had no control over real time, but would catch Zack every time he tried to sneak in the girls’ locker room or try to pretend like Max (the guy who owned the Max) was his dad.While Belding always got the upper hand on Zack Attack (also the name of their band), Leon Carosi did not have the same luck when it came to his showdowns with the smooth criminal Zack Morris. Even if Carosi would have gotten the upper hand in their constant battles, Zack still would have won the war. This is for one reason and one reason only: he was running shop on Carosi’s daughter. Is there a bigger slap in the face your enemy can deliver then dating your daughter? And she was a college girl… you Sonofabitch. For all you over protective fathers out there, I have a little bit of advice for you. Nothing will make your daughter want to date a guy more then if you openly resent him. In the beginning of the summer, Stacy (the daughter) couldn’t stand Zack, but as the feud grew between her over-protective dad and Zack, all of the sudden she wanted Zack like an AIDS patient wants an immune system.
2. Jessie Spano v. Caffeine Pills: “I’m so excited, I’m so excited… I’m so scared.� The episode where Jessie is battling the rising popularity of their girl group and the pressure of midterms. Jessie comes to the conclusion that their just is not enough hours in the day for her overachieving-self to work with. So what does Jessie turn to? Aderall? Cocaine? No, you idiots, this show was featured at 10am on Saturday mornings. She gets hooked on caffeine pills. And you know what? I don’t blame her. I blame that asshole group of friends she roles with. The first season-and-a half-features a battle between Zack and Slater for Kelly’s heart, and Screech’s infatuation with Lisa. Jessie just has to deal with the insecurities of being tall, feminist, and awkward. So after Zack wins Kelly (which you had to have Down’s to not see coming), Slater takes his constellation prize, Jessie. She is forced to date a “sexist pig� that would rather be dating her best friend. And there is nothing a feminist likes more then her boyfriend calling her “mamma.� We should just be thankful that Jessie didn’t pick up an eating disorder on free agency. The fact that the most averse effect that resulted from her crappy friends is Jessie trying out No-Doze for a week is a miracle.Yet in the end she beats the evil over-the-counter drug due to an Emmy-worthy scene when Zack gets her to kick the junk. Little did Jessie know that high school wasn’t going to get any easier because she was still going to have to deal with “C� average Zack getting a better SAT score (1500), getting rejected from almost every college, and Screech winning Valedictorian over her. Eventually, all of these high school pressure turned Jessie Spano into a stripper
1. Zack v. Slater, for Kelly’s Heart: The Heartthrob v. The Jock, who would win out? Slater was a 17-Sport All-Stater, the Hispanic military brat (shocker, a Hispanic in Southern California), and the cool guy who laughed in the face of us conventional chair users. Zack was “preppy,� had his own personal sidekick, had the capability of freezing time, and was the main character of the show. In the end Zack ended up winning the heart of Kelly, which ultimately ended the popularity run of the Jerry curl mullet. In my opinion, Zack had one crucial characteristic in winning Kelly’s heart that Slater did not have: money. Kelly was completely perfect except for the fact that her dad was broke, and trying to pay for all 121 of his children (Kelly was the oldest of 7). Slater lived with his dad, Major Slater. And lets face it, lifers in the military aren’t exactly raking it in. Zack was a rich kid who had a cell phone before most families even had cordless phones in their home. For Kelly it was either pick up a second job outside being a waitress at the Max, or date Zack over Slater. Sorry Slater, but no State Championship, backwards chair, jerry curl mullet, or tank top can compensate for an endless bank role.Honorable mention: Kelly v. Acne, Screech v. Kevin (his robot), Lisa Turtle v. Tori Spelling, Buddy Bands v. Friendship Bracelets, and Zack Attack (featuring the hit song Friends Forever) v. Zack’s ego.
posted by Rival Room Editor at
10:23 AM
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