NOW THAT THE WORLD CUP IS OVER

By Adam Briner, adamcbriner@yahoo.com

As far as I’m concerned, Ghana is the World Cup Champion.

Rumor and logic tell me that there will be other soccer games are currently being played, despite the USA going down in round 1 like my ex-girlfriend in frat house basement. As ridiculous as soccer is, I don’t think they would play just one round and, if they did, they would have the sense to call it something like “the finals� or “los championshipos� or something.

So there will be other matches played in the FIFA World Cup, but who honestly cares? Not who pretends to care, but who actually cares?

I’ll admit it; I got a little swept up in the fever of FIFA. I’ll never admit it to my sports friends. I’ll deny it to the end, but I watched a couple of games. I especially watched games that involved my red, white, and blue. Why would I, a die-hard futbol hater, walk over to the dark side? Well, it’s because my team – and, damn it, I pay taxes so they are mine – was supposed to be good. Finally, soccer was going to be respected and enjoyed by more than 9,000 people nationwide. I’m in, I guess. So I thought.

They were ranked fifth in the world. They’ve got a shot. They may not win or accomplish anything significant, but at least they’ll make a lot of noise. If it’s a good enough strategy for a war on terror, it’s good enough for our soccer team. But alas, like our country’s foreign policy, our soccer came up short. Very, very, very short.

Their first game was a blow out against the Czech Republic. We lost 3-0. A quick diatribe – a score of 3-0 is a blow out. That’s ridiculous. Three goals is the equivalent of 100 points in a college football game. It just doesn’t happen. Unless you’re playing a country with limited protein supply. Like Ghana. That, if nothing else, is proof that soccer is boring. Anyways, the U.S., which I was told was the fifth best team in the world, got smoked by some country that doesn’t have toilet paper. Apparently, they wipe their asses with our national pride.

Fine, whatever. We were probably hungover and tired from hanging out with German broads and their tantalizing beer. No one can turn that down, especially horny hooligan soccer players. But then we tied with Italy. I tried desperately to come up with an excuse. As I stated earlier, there are ties (apparently) between war and soccer. If that’s the case, there is no excuse – NO EXCUSE – for tying with Italy. My feeble loyalty to U.S. soccer was crushed. But wait! Italy is shaped like a foot (boot, foot, whatever) and soccer is played with your feet. I learned that much, at least, about the game. Maybe the shape of a country can make it extraordinarily good at sports that utilize that shape. Like people from Florida being good at penetrating women. And people from Oklahoma are good at frying things. Isn’t the Netherlands shaped like a nine-chamber bubbler?

Plus, as long as the U.S. beat Ghana in the round-one finals, we moved on to round two. Apparently, .500 is good – see Cub fans, there is hope. (Actually, no there isn’t - Rival Room Editor) Well at least it’s good enough for soccer. Surely, we can beat Ghana. No one has ever heard of Ghana, let alone taught them how to play soccer. All the British ever taught them was to get in the ship and lay down on the wood shelf. Fucking British. Travesties aside, we were in for a win and an advance to the real finals. Boo-ya.

Boo-no. We lost to Ghana. We lost by the uncommon soccer score of 2-1. That means, I think, that Ghana is the champion of the world. If you ask me how to logically explain that, I will ask you how you can logically explain how I ended up getting roped into soccer viewership. Fair enough? Give me one good reason why Americans should still care about The World Cup. I’m waiting.