AMONG THE HMONG: FIXING THE CUBS, PART II

"A dear friend of Rivalfish was decidedly asked by the powers that be to vacate the premises of the Western Hemisphere. Long Story. Something about an overdue videotape. So he begged for a plane ticket from a family friend with an "in." Now he's among the Hmong people of Vietnam teaching our fine language. Or he's sitting in the woods with his laptop and lying to us all. He faxes us these letters about what's going on in OUR sporting scene, signing them with a different assumed name each time. But we all know it's Josh. He's probably just trying to show off that he still knows the most about sports, even when exiled. It's really pretty impressive, so we're going to post his letters without his permission!"- Rival Room Editor

As I read the box score of the Cubs latest boofing, in which we were literally dismantled by a rookie pitcher named Boof, I have to stop myself from throwing the computer monitor out the front window of this internet cafe, thereby inciting the ire of a dozen Vietnamese speaking staff who outnumber the customers 12 to 1. I simply fool myself into thinking that maybe this isn't that bad, maybe there is a bright side in all of this.

We still have on our roster the best first baseman, (defense and offense combined of course) in all of baseball, one of the best starting pitchers in baseball (Carlos Zambrano) and, ummm...well a statue of Harry Carey!

Now the bad news. Not only is Dusty Baker a manager who is incapable of inspiring this talentless nightmare of a team, he may be clinically insane.

When asked who on his team deserves an allstar spot, he said "Carlos Zambrano (who absolutely does) JACQUE JONES AND MICHAEL BARRETT BECAUSE OF WHERE WE ARE."

Jacque Jones and Michael Barrett because of where we are, Dusty? Where are we? Do you know where you are right now? You are in the National League tank. If you want to talk about people who put you there, then, yes you can talk about Jacque Jones. If you think Jacque Jones deserves an allstar bid, you have about a 24 hour window to commit any crime that you want to and get away with an insanity plea, using only that quote as evidence.

Clearly it is time for change. Fire Baker, sell off as many nonessential parts as we can, and write this season completely off. And by nonessential parts I mean everyone but the aforementioned Lee, Zambrano, and Harry Carey statue. Get prospects and contractual relief, put some fricking hitters in the farm system.

Try again in the future.

Remember Cubs fans, the reason to treat this season with a happy faraway look to the future, is that getting a top pick in the draft means a lot more to the Cubs than most of the teams that usually frequent the toilet of the league standings. Before the Royals and Devil Rays pick the best player in the draft, they must first consider whether they have enough money to sign the guy, and secondly, whether the guy is stupid enough to want to play in Kansas City or Tampa Bay.

With the Cubs in possession of a high pick, money is clearly not an object (As witnessed by the ludicrously loaded contract the Cubs just gave Wide Receiver Jeff Samardzija, good player, wrong sport). And as to whether a young ballplayer would want to go to a storied franchise that plays in the most beautiful ballpark in baseball that is surrounded by scores of bars packed with beautiful women who would do anything for someone who could help their favorite team win, well I know I would take it.

So cheer up Cubs fans, better days they are ahead. So long as the Cubs realize that once we are going into the allstar break at least twenty games below .500 we can stop talking about what the Astros did last year like it is going to happen to us (Remember what the Astros did last year? They came back from insurmountable odds to make the world series just to get swept in 4 games by the White Sox. I would rather have this season than have that happen to the Cubs).

Dusty needs to be fired, the team needs to go into "selling mode" immediately, and we need to get ready for next year by playing youngsters and letting them take their lumps. Baker was right about one thing recently, he noted that the same Detroit pitchers who were piling up record numbers of losses a few years ago are now the best staff in baseball. He forgot to mention that Detroit fired Alan Trammel and hired a competent manager for all this to happen, but he was nonetheless right. Marshall, Marmol, Guzman, and to a lesser extent Rich Hill may not be coming into their own this year, but at least they are learning against major league batters, and can share an after-loss cooler bash with one of the greatest pitchers in baseball history.

So look at the bright-side Cubs fans. At least you don't like the White Sox.

Love,
Don Denkinger