TOP TEN PEOPLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU THAT ALSO DON'T CARE ABOUT THE NBA PLAYOFFS
by Adam Briner, adamcbriner@yahoo.comThe NBA finals are in the midst of the most exciting playoffs in the last 20 years, but no one cares. Did you know there have been more OT games in this playoffs than any other in history? Of course you did, at least at one point. However, your brain probably sorted th
e information the same way it sorted all the names of your favorite bands’ bass players. It tried to remember it, but in the end it just wasn’t important enough.
Fear not, though, loyal sports fans. There are people more important and closer to the NBA game than you who also didn’t care! The following is the list of top ten people more important than you who didn’t care about this year’s playoffs.
10. The Kitchooto Eskimo Tribe of Northeast Albania
They certainly don’t care about the playoffs, so the question is whether they are more important than you. It largely depends on the criteria used to judge “importance,� but I’m going to give it to the Eskimos because they’re a whole culture of people. It’s only a slight edge. I’d be willing to accept e-mails that argue the point.
9. Kobe Bryant
“But, Adam, he was in the playoffs,� you say. Well, actually, no you wouldn’t because you’d have to know who was in the playoffs to say that. Assuming someone said that, my argument has to be, “so what? Who says he cared about something other than keeping track of his own stats, and the age and vulnerability of the check-out girl at the local Howard Johnson?�
In game seven, second half, Kobe showed he didn’t care. He walked. He made out with his wife and his girlfriend. He took a nap on the half court line. He did everything except score points. Why? He didn’t care.
8. The New York Knicks
They didn’t make the playoffs and the most intimidating person on their team is Spike Lee, who sucks at basketball. Not to mention, their number 2 pick goes to the Bulls, so they won’t be able to dip into the talentless talent pool of this year’s draft. Don’t count on them caring about the playoffs for many years to come.
7. NBA Fans
I’ll tell you a secret. NBA fans are only fans for the retro jerseys and EA Sports videogame offerings. Sure, the ratings are way up, but I have a theory that, due to a major magnetic influx, every remote’s batteries went dead on TNT during the games.
Are you going to get off the couch to change the channel? Most likely not.
6. Ashley Judd
She’s a huge basketball fan, but – oops – it’s for the Kentucky Wildcats. Sure, they pa
y players, but they aren’t considered pro. For a split second I thought I would have someone who was practiced at showing fake enthusiasm for a terrible sport.
Considering her suspect choices of movie roles, you’d think she could get behind a sport that consistently turns out poor product. Hypocrite. And she is married to some non-NASCAR race car driver. Not even Americans with broken remotes watch that shit.
5. Orphans
For F*ck’s sake – I think they have bigger problems to think about.
4. The Referees
They actually care so little that they don’t even watch the games, and that’s their job. I don’t blame them really. Based on any criteria I can come up with, they’ve got one of the top five least tolerable jobs on the planet. Sure they get paid well, but at what cost? The mind-numbing boredom of the NBA stretched over 82 games and the playoffs – hell, I’d take a nap on the job as well.
3. Me
Oh come on, you’re actually going to argue that I’m not more important than you? I’m a f*cking blogger, bitch. What’d you ever do with your life?
2. Fans of Sports That Have Rules That Actually Get Followed…
I believe this one speaks for itself.
1. Eva Longoria
This may be the one good thing that NBA has going for it. However, it’s deceiving. She may look like it by going to the games and wearing jerseys, but Eva is not a fan of the NBA. If you’ve ever heard an interview with her, you know she knows nothing about the NBA. In her defense though, that is still more than most anyone else.
Listen, just because she uses Tony Parker’s genitals as a delicious and nutritious chew toy, does not make her a fan. She may care about the French, but she doesn’t care about the NBA. That makes her American and un-American at the same time. Impressive. Hot. Excuse me for a second. I need to do some internet research.
e information the same way it sorted all the names of your favorite bands’ bass players. It tried to remember it, but in the end it just wasn’t important enough.Fear not, though, loyal sports fans. There are people more important and closer to the NBA game than you who also didn’t care! The following is the list of top ten people more important than you who didn’t care about this year’s playoffs.
10. The Kitchooto Eskimo Tribe of Northeast Albania
They certainly don’t care about the playoffs, so the question is whether they are more important than you. It largely depends on the criteria used to judge “importance,� but I’m going to give it to the Eskimos because they’re a whole culture of people. It’s only a slight edge. I’d be willing to accept e-mails that argue the point.
9. Kobe Bryant
“But, Adam, he was in the playoffs,� you say. Well, actually, no you wouldn’t because you’d have to know who was in the playoffs to say that. Assuming someone said that, my argument has to be, “so what? Who says he cared about something other than keeping track of his own stats, and the age and vulnerability of the check-out girl at the local Howard Johnson?�
In game seven, second half, Kobe showed he didn’t care. He walked. He made out with his wife and his girlfriend. He took a nap on the half court line. He did everything except score points. Why? He didn’t care.
8. The New York KnicksThey didn’t make the playoffs and the most intimidating person on their team is Spike Lee, who sucks at basketball. Not to mention, their number 2 pick goes to the Bulls, so they won’t be able to dip into the talentless talent pool of this year’s draft. Don’t count on them caring about the playoffs for many years to come.
7. NBA Fans
I’ll tell you a secret. NBA fans are only fans for the retro jerseys and EA Sports videogame offerings. Sure, the ratings are way up, but I have a theory that, due to a major magnetic influx, every remote’s batteries went dead on TNT during the games.
Are you going to get off the couch to change the channel? Most likely not.
6. Ashley Judd
She’s a huge basketball fan, but – oops – it’s for the Kentucky Wildcats. Sure, they pa
y players, but they aren’t considered pro. For a split second I thought I would have someone who was practiced at showing fake enthusiasm for a terrible sport.Considering her suspect choices of movie roles, you’d think she could get behind a sport that consistently turns out poor product. Hypocrite. And she is married to some non-NASCAR race car driver. Not even Americans with broken remotes watch that shit.
5. Orphans
For F*ck’s sake – I think they have bigger problems to think about.
4. The RefereesThey actually care so little that they don’t even watch the games, and that’s their job. I don’t blame them really. Based on any criteria I can come up with, they’ve got one of the top five least tolerable jobs on the planet. Sure they get paid well, but at what cost? The mind-numbing boredom of the NBA stretched over 82 games and the playoffs – hell, I’d take a nap on the job as well.
3. MeOh come on, you’re actually going to argue that I’m not more important than you? I’m a f*cking blogger, bitch. What’d you ever do with your life?
2. Fans of Sports That Have Rules That Actually Get Followed…
I believe this one speaks for itself.
1. Eva Longoria
This may be the one good thing that NBA has going for it. However, it’s deceiving. She may look like it by going to the games and wearing jerseys, but Eva is not a fan of the NBA. If you’ve ever heard an interview with her, you know she knows nothing about the NBA. In her defense though, that is still more than most anyone else.
Listen, just because she uses Tony Parker’s genitals as a delicious and nutritious chew toy, does not make her a fan. She may care about the French, but she doesn’t care about the NBA. That makes her American and un-American at the same time. Impressive. Hot. Excuse me for a second. I need to do some internet research.
posted by Rival Room Editor at
12:00 AM
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