THE SLAP HEARD 'ROUND CHICAGO

By Jonah "Ticklebass" Ansell, jansell@rivalfish.com

The Cubs boiling frustration burst this afternoon as Michael Barrett cold-cocked the jaw of arch rival White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski. Barrett's fist embodied every ounce of anger and futility that has roiled inside the hearts and minds of every Cub player and fan, not only throughout this current pitiful season, but since 1908.

Even before the retaliatory tit-for-tat beanings and bench clearings could begin, White Sox second baseman Tadahito Iguchi put the nail in the coffin with a mouth-shutting second-inning grand slam that closed the curtain on the egregious antics that the Cubs have called "baseball" for the past 98 years. And for those of you Cub fans who kept watching, he delivered a second fence-clearing drive just a couple innings later. As the second ball sailed into the bleachers, White Sox fans didn't spaz wildly like suburban teens at a Beastie Boys concert circa 1993. They simply threw their hands in the air as if it was expected, as if this was how good baseball was played.

As a lifelong Cub fan, born and raised two blocks from Wrigley Field, I cheered with cathartic bliss as Barrett's punch connected with Pierzynski's white-trash jaw. Without reading too deeply into the haunting imagery of Barrett getting plowed and knocked flat on his ass, I simply felt pure embarrassment as Barrett lay like a strained turtle as Pierzynski delivered a forceful, decisive, taunting slap on home plate, in front of 40,000 Chicago fans.

Watching Pierzynski slap that plate on a beautiful spring day in Chicago was like watching that cocky asshole from all of our collective memories of "high school" slap the virginal ass of my high school sweetheart. When I saw Barrett on the ground this afternoon, I saw myself on the ground, and I too wanted to pounce, punch and defend my plate.

But as we've learned from the movies, the Mr. Smith Goes to Washington style of "retaliation by force sans finesse" can mean only one thing - the ultimate backfire. Iguchi's two silencing home runs only further solidified the Cubs' position as the basement dwellers in our Jungian definition of what it means to be a loser. We saw this too in Dazed and Confused, where the dorky Mike Newhouse tried to strike back against the bully Clint, thinking that the party's onlookers would break up the fight and side with him for taking a stand. Instead, the fight went on, his face got pounded, and further solidified his place as the ultimate high school dork.

Chicago used to be a Cubs city. Wait till next year, we all used to say to each other, in between beers at the Lincoln Park hot spot of the moment. Not anymore.

Barrett's punch was the ultimate wakeup call, imploring the Cubs' front office to finally address the sheer embarrassment and perpetual mediocrity we've been bombarded with for the past 98 fucking years. The Cubs' management needs to recognize that we can't keep putting a band-aid on the problem with a new mediocre veteran outfielder each season. Cubs' GM Jim Hendry must realize that it simply is not worth it to slap the Bud Light logo on Wrigley's storied bleachers and call it a day. There can simply be no more excuses.

There's no need to pay particular attention to the goose egg that sat on the Cubs' side of the scoreboard at the end of today's loss. We've stomached long-term goose eggs for far too many years already. The fight itself was short and brief amidst this otherwise boring baseball game. But that punch was a call to action and my continued fandom depends on the Cubs' response. Barrett's punch may have been exhilirating for us Cub fans, but it was Pierzynski's slap of home plate that truly left a mark.

Watch the video of the melee below:

Editor's Note: Thanks to the magic of TiVo, it appears that Barrett's line to Pierzynski just before the punch was "I didn't even have the f*cking ball, b*tch."