THE SHOWDOWN IN CHICAGO - TRAGIC UPDATE

Faithful friends, the verdict is in on Olbermann v. O'Reilly. Despite our heartfelt plan, our flashy graphics and Don-Kingesque title, the producers from FoxNews and MSNBC gave Rivalfish the cold shoulder, and refused to return emails or phone calls.

"Classless," we say, and when the blogging revolution finally overthrows traditional media, we promise you that Rivalfish.com will have the last laugh. But until then, the greco-roman wrestling match that was to take place in a Wrigleyville bar will exist only hypothetically and not in the actual world.

Us Rivalfish boys would've felt a moment of awkwardness as we greased-down the bodies of these two big-name newscasters, navigating between the randomly-placed lone hairs that spitefully and selfishly sprout up on the backs and upper arms of men over the age of 32. Sure, we could've gotten a couple of Wrigleyville floozies to hop into some tight pink Rivalfish bikinis, but given the whole greco-roman theme, a little homoeroticism would've only made the night more interesting. After all, we don't want Bill O'Reilly getting any access to our interns, lord knows what he'd do if he could get one on the phone "after hours."

As for Keith, we thought we might appeal to the comedian in him, and hoped that his SportsCenter past might give him the chutzpa to get into the Rivalfish ring and take on his nemesis.

Both men's fear of entering Rivalfish's Rival Room leaves us only to assume that their labias droop lower than their would-be balls might hang. Fear not dear faithful, we promise you, we will lure two heavyweights into settling their feud in the Rival Room. Our site's been around for only three months, and we've made quite a splash in the national sports arena. By year's end, mark our words, you'll see some heads butting.

Much love,

The Rivalfish Boys