KEEPIN' FIT WITH RONNY J

by Ronald Jickstoom

"Ronny J is our buddy's father. He used to play basketball for the University of Detroit-Mercy. He throws these great parties every time they earn the right to lose in the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament. Now his daughter plays for them too. Who are we to ignore his expertise?"-Rival Room Editors

As most of you probably know, my true passion lies in molding the lives of young people. Few forums offer the opportunity for humanitarians such as myself to positively affect America's children more than volunteering at a youth camp. For this reason, I have decided to take the position of Head Coach and Activity Coordinator at Camp Wakinajjaw in Muskegon, Michigan.

I like to be around children. Children are young and soft. They are easily tricked into thinking that bad ideas are actually good ideas. This one time, I had the Mexican neighborhood paperboy sudsy scrub my minivan for one peso...topless. Being a child, he was uninhibited and felt comfortable freeing himself of his worldly blouse. Also, he is Mexican and into sweating and finding ways to relieve himself of being overheated.

My affection for the underaged has given me great range in doing my part for the betterment of mankind. As Head Activity Coordinator, I plan to organize weekly activities that the campers look forward to. Tuesday Towel Slap and Thursday Camel Toe are two of my favorites. These activities pale in comparison to the Saturday Triatholon of a quarter mile swim, a tournament-style beach wrestling match and an ice cold shower endurance challenge.

So when are you shipping off you say? Well, camp orientation is the first week of June. This gives me plenty of time to take a low level course in first aid in order to administer campers much needed physical check-ups. Now I am not proud of clutching the undertrout of prepubescent campers, but if one of my tykes has a hernia, then I must sniff it out.

How might I get involved you might ask? You can start by hanging out at the local kindergarten and observing children's behavior. From here you can move onto more ambitious endeavors like offering the kids enticing morsels of candy. Finally, you may want to acquire a large, white, windowless minivan for conducting your research. Remember, maintaining focus is important. With a little perserverance, you too may be able to touch children in a way comparable to me.