AMONG THE HMONG

"A dear friend of Rivalfish was decidedly asked by the powers that be to vacate the premises of the Western Hemisphere. Long Story. Something about an overdue videotape. So he begged for a plane ticket from a family friend with an "in." Now he's among the Hmong people of Vietnam teaching our fine language. Or he's sitting in the woods with his laptop and lying to us all. He faxes us these letters about what's going on in OUR sporting scene, signing them with a different assumed name each time. But we all know it's Josh. He's probably just trying to show off that he still knows the most about sports, even when exiled. It's really pretty impressive, so we're going to post his letters without his permission!"- Rival Room Editor

With the upcoming NFL Draft dominating the football conversations of amateur Mel Kiper Jrs across the country, it would seem that the focus is on the hopes and dreams of favorite teams in the upcoming season.

Hogwash I say. Let's talk about NFL football in the here and now. Oh sure, nobody is flashing a platinum grill and dancing a jig after breaking one for 85 yards. Stadium parking lots aren't full of drunken revelry for hours before game time. You might even say that football was over when the Pittsburgh Steelers "won" the Super Bowl in Detroit. How wrong you are my friend. Thanks to a combination of a feeling of invincibility derived from a lifetime of false idolatry shared by all NFL players and the media scrutiny of a proctologist, I am pleased to introduce to you my baby, "Fantasy Football Offseason." The playing field here isn't 100 yards of carefully manicured grass. It is in the Denny's parking lots at 3 AM, the alcohol scented 2 AM traffic stops, and outside the clubs of every NFL city in America. Using a carefully crafted Rotisserie points system, you can track how your favorite superstars and benchwarmers relentlessly embarrass themselves and their teams.

The scoring categories are as follows
-Arrests
-Convictions
-Gun Related Arrests
-Gun Discharging Related Arrests
-DUIs
-Assaults
-Domestic Battery
-Drug violations including positive tests and whizzenator discoveries
-Drug Violations involving 500 pounds of weed in a van (thank you Nate Newton, lemme get a dime sack)
-Interviews where teammates are called out
-Interviews where player is unhappy with current contract
-Interviews where player insults the fans of the city he plays for

This is a game where the superstars aren't the ones filling up the stat sheets. In "Fantasy Football Offseason," it's the backup linebackers and cornerbacks angrily trying to convince club rats that they play for the Vikings we are talking about. And you don't have to wait until Sunday to find out how your best players did, because NFL players are doing this ignorant sh&t every day.

Next Week: The team rosters and the first round of our Fantasy Football Offseason Mock Draft.