MY DAD CAN BEAT UP YOUR DAD! - CLARK W. GRISWOLD v. COUSIN EDDIE JOHNSON

by Ross Frank DiMarco III, rfdimar@pointpark.edu

Planning a vacation is never easy, but Clark W. Griswold always found a way to pull it off. Whether he went to Wally World, Europe, or just spending the Christmas holiday at his house, Clark simply wanted his family to be together. Unfortunately, part of the family tree extended its ugly branch to Cousin Eddie Johnson.

Although Audrey and Rusty got along quite nicely with Eddie’s kids, Vicki and Dale, Clark never thought too highly of Cousin Eddie. In fact, if the two happen to ever fight, this is what I foresee going down.

Clark “Sparky� Griswold is so smart that he once designed a corn flake that never becomes soggy. His wife, Ellen, adores the dimple in his chin.

Nevertheless, Cousin Eddie loves Clark with all of his heart. He once gave Clark a pair of beautiful gleaming white loafers that apparently Clark had his eye on. Eddie even tied Clark’s boss in a giant red bow and delivered him to Clark as an early Christmas present.

Even with these few bright moments in their relationship, Clark, as we all know, can only have so much patience.

The two meet in a back alley on Clark’s home turf – Chicago, Illinois. Eddie slams the sixth and final Colt 45 from his belt and throws the empty can at Clark.

“Lets get it on, city boy,� shouts Eddie.

With Clark trying to dodge the can, Eddie gives him a head butt right to the nose with the plastic section of his skull. Eddie then looks at his dog, Snot, for approval, but can’t resist the urge to rub his belly.

Clark shakes off the vicious blow and knees him in the upper thigh for a nasty charlie horse. He then surveys the scene with a look of utter confusion. As Eddie rolls on the ground in agony, Clark lands a ferocious Hulk Hogan leg drop.

All of a sudden, Clark has that look in his eye again. The look that he possessed when he, “fixed the newel post!� He places the Camel Clutch around Eddie’s chin. Eddie squirms in pain and his wife Catherine pleads for Clark to release him.

“No can do, Catherine,� says Clark.

Just as Clark finishes speaking, Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Christie Brinkley saunters by wearing white lingerie. Clark immediately loses all feeling and strength in his muscles and Eddie manages to stick a thumb in his eye.

Clark rolls off grabbing his face and Eddie gets a nearby trash can. He notices a half eaten steak in the garbage and throws it to Catherine before he raises the can over his head.

“Save it for dinner,� he exclaims.

Right before Eddie can land the finishing blow, Clark kicks him in the stomach, leading into a Stone Cold Stunner. Eddie immediately begins to convulse as Clark notices melting plastic draining from Eddie’s left earlobe.

“If Eddie had nine lives he sure used 'em all,� says Clark as he grabs Ellen and walks off into the sunset.

Winner: Clark W. Griswold, by way of inner "Sparky"