A BABE, A DOG AND A DICK - SWEET 16 DAY ONE RECAP

"In the first annual competition of "A Babe, A Dog and A Dick," Rivalfish has challenged a ditzy bombshell and a drooling canine to outperform college basketball guru Dick Vitale in picking this year's bracket. Check out last week's article to read about the contest in full, and learn how our competitors made their picks." - Rival Room Editor

Sweet 16 Day One Recap

Let’s just face it, this year’s tourney has been as sloppy as Courtney Love at a county rib fest.

Last night, Baby Shaq and the LSU Tigers made J.J. Redick look like the 11-year-old girl that UNC fans have always claimed that he was.

Texas’s Kenton Paulino thankfully put an end to the Pittsnogle era. Which reminds us, we have to return that Deliverance DVD to Netflix.

UCLA’s Luc Richard Mbah a Moute’s amazing steal broke brackets across the nation and pissed the dickens out of the corporate desk-jockeys over at Gillette. Since publicly shaving Ben Roethlisberger, those scheming suits over in Gillette’s marketing department had been gung-fricken-ho about shaving Gonzaga’s Adam Morrison. However, apparently the new excessively-bladed Fusion razor doesn’t shave facial hair soaked with tears. Pity.

By the way Adam, your pussyfooting mustache makes Jeff Kent look like Richard Roundtree. Grow a pair and have some respect for yourself. After all, a real man, with real hair, like Al Borland for example, would under no circumstance cry on national television. Even if a Ford F-150 pickup bed latch were to slip open and drop a bundle of plywood onto Borland’s pregnant wife, he wouldn’t shed the slightest tear. In fact, he’d glance at her, order her to walk it off, and then take a bite of his corned-beef-on-sandpaper hoagie. You’ve got a lot to learn about manhood Adam, if you want to succeed in the NBA.

But enough about sports. After all, we’ve got a dog and a babe battling a dick! And our internet parental controls aren’t even flinching. Why? Because after the first day of Sweet 16 action, a new leader has emerged in Rivalfish’s online office pool.

Click below to see the brackets!

The Babe's Picks -- The Dog's Picks -- Dick's Picks

Picks to win: The Babe - Villanova; The Dog - Gonzaga; The Dick - UConn

That's right friends, Kevin the Dog is back on top! But his happiness may be short lived. You see, good ole' Kevin picked Gonzaga to win it all. And we all saw Adam Morrison do his best impression of a post-game interpretative tear dance to a non-existing Sarah McLachlan mix tape. Clearly, Kevin the Dog was pissed, as you can imagine.

After UCLA stunned the Zags at the end of last night's game, Kevin turned to me and looked me directly in the eye. He asked me in plain English, "Was that chew toy regulation size?" After all, Kevin had made his picks by choosing between a bone and a chew toy, and now the frickin' dog thinks I was out to screw him. He's just one of those dogs that doesn't know how to deal with failure. Always blaming others. He was in such a huff that he grabbed his leash and went out to the alley to just cool off. He met up with a bunch of strays he met at the McDonald's across the street from Wrigley. Apparently, they're all rooting against UConn tomorrow night. Which means I've got to put out six different water bowls. F'ing strays.

To recap, here's the rundown on our three competitors:


Rivalfish's Random Sweet 16 Insights

• I swear I’ve seen LSU coach John Brady’s wife dancing at the Admiral strip club in Chicago. Can someone please verify this?
• Bonds is suing the authors of the book that claimed he used steroids? O.J. has a better chance of finding the "real killers" than Bonds does in winning that lawsuit.
  
• Yesterday's Basic Instinct 2 analogy was spot-on in predicting Bradley's fate. Read the article.
  
• Gonzaga’s Adam Morrison is just one 3-month period of post-collegiate confusion away from appearing on America’s Most Wanted.
• Unbeknownst to most NCAA fans, UCLA’s Luc Richard Mbah a Moute was actually an extra in the 1992 Kevin Bacon classic, The Air Up There.
• For all the money in your wallet right now, who would win a 1-on-1 battle at this very moment: William Gates, the basketball star from Hoop Dreams or Tennessee's Candice Parker? Food for thought - Candice is the only female to ever dunk twice in an NCAA game. William Gates probably has debilitating arthritis in his knees by now.
  

Rivalfish's Rival Room publishes sports humor daily, M-F. Be sure to check us out this weekend for tourney updates. And don't forget, this Monday, we'll be announcing our famed, "Jersey Chaser Target of the Week" and "Do Not Lay This Man!" awards. As always, may the best man, babe or beast win.