A BABE, A DOG, AND A DICK - ROUND 1, DAY 1

As seeded teams face off in the NCAA tourney this afternoon, the greatest office pool in the history of March Madness kicks off right here at Rivalfish.com. In most office pools, you just throw in your ten bucks and pray that you picked the right #12/#5 upset. If all goes well, maybe you’ll win a few hundred bucks. Maybe you’ll treat yourself to a lapdance to pay for the attention your wife refuses to give you. If you don’t win, hey, it was a nice break from your dead end job. But this office pool is unlike any other. And much more than money is on the line.

In the first annual competition of “A Babe, A Dog and A Dick,� Rivalfish has challenged a ditzy bombshell and a drooling canine to outperform college basketball guru Dick Vitale in picking this year’s bracket.

Not since the Abu Ghraib prison scandal has the American public witnessed something as painful as Vitale’s television presence. With his flailing arms, yapping trap and insufferable catch-phrases, he makes Stephen A. Smith look like Emily Dickinson.

Dicky V might refer to himself as “animated.� That is not the case however. Mickey Mouse is animated. Dicky V is irritating.

In an attempt to usurp Dicky V’s title as college basketball “expert,� we’ve enlisted two challengers: Shira, a young floozy from the Chicago bar scene and Kevin, a four-legged mutt who knows only the allure of his own red rocket. Neither knows a lick about sports, though Shira allegedly hooked up with a lacrosse player in college and Kevin reportedly fetched a handful of promotional Frisbees as a young pup.

We hope that if either the babe or the dog proves victorious in Rivalfish’s online office pool, Vitale will be so humiliated by his loss that he never again dunks a basketball in a pathetic commercial on behalf of a product we’d never want to buy.

But why are we really holding this contest?

We at Rivalfish have simply lost too many office pools to too many overweight white women. It’s embarrassing. And we can’t cloak ourselves in enough Axe body spray to effectively feign our lost manhood. However, we’ll never hang our heads again if our babe or our dog knocks off the “expert.�

But before we show you their picks, let’s get to know our three competitors:

Getting Vitale’s two challengers to pick winners wasn’t the easiest task. Here’s how they picked:

The Babe

Shira had only been to two sporting events during her four years at Wisconsin and knows virtually nothing about sports. She spends her days teaching English to foreigners so she’s well removed from the ESPN arena. Shira picked teams based on memories that each team name evoked. For example, she chose 13^th seeded Bradley to go all the way to the elite eight because she had a crush on her brother’s best friend’s brother in 9^th grade. She chose Gonzaga to go all the way to the final four because to Shira, Gonzaga sounds like a type of delicious cheese. “I’ll have some Gonzaga and crackers,� she explained, in a poor British accent. She chose Villanova to win the tourney because her brother gave her a Villanova sweatshirt as a kid. There’s no word if she still wears this sweatshirt while frequently making the walk of shame across Chicago’s north side, but best of luck to Villanova in the tourney. Their victory means Dicky V’s humiliation.

The Dog

Kevin the dog posed an even bigger obstacle. Given that he has no opposable thumbs, capacity for speech or what scientists would call a “respectably-sized brain,� we at Rivalfish had to devise a special selection process for this dumb mutt.

Rivalfish designated a bone and a chew toy to be placed in front of Kevin for him to pick up with his mouth. The bone represented the higher seed and the chew toy represented the lower seed. Whichever one he grabbed was his pick. This surely explains Kevin’s bold pick of 16^th seeded Oral Roberts knocking off #1 Memphis in the first round. Well Kevin, it’s never been done, but best of luck! Kevin defied traditional logic likely because he knows only a life of eating, crapping and sleeping. But hey, everyone needs to pick some upsets. It is POSSIBLE that Memphis could lose. However, is #2 Texas going to fall to #15 Penn as well? Penn is no Coppin State, let’s be honest. I’m worried our little puppy might be barking up the wrong tree. Good thing we don’t live in Asia because Kevin might have ended up as April 3^rd’s dinner for picking so atrociously.

But all kidding aside, the tournament is a crapshoot and Kevin did end up with a pretty decent championship pick. We’re still not sure if it’s ironic or clairvoyant, but Kevin has the Gonzaga Bulldogs (Bark one out for my brothas) winning the national championship against UNC.

The Dick

Dicky V’s picks were entirely uninteresting. His one key upset was Seton Hall over Wichita State. And Dicky V graduated from Seton Hall. Real bold move. Low and behold, he picked UConn to win the whole tourney. Currently, at both ESPN.com and Yahoo! Sports, nearly every cubicle jockey has chosen UConn to cut down the nets in Indy. You’re no Tin Cup, Dicky, laying one up just so you can beat a babe and a dog? Sounds like the strategy of a man whose past his prime. A man who is scared. The strategy of a man who hopes to keep dunking basketballs in generic shirts that no professional or collegiate team would dare endorse. How much are they paying you Dicky? You’re a regular Armstrong Williams, a huckster, smiling and flailing, hoping to uphold the Madness of March that once was. But, there’s a new madness in town, Dick. And if that red rocket could grasp a pen, lord knows it would. Kevin wouldn’t have even needed our help in filling out the bracket. However, there are no guarantees Dicky V. And the beauty of March Madness is that our drooling dog and our airhead babe can oust you from your throne. Prepare for a new life as an ex-expert, grandad.

Click below to see the brackets!

The Babe's Picks - The Dog's Picks - Dick's Picks

For all our loyal readers, stay tuned to Rivalfish.com for continual updates after each round. And as always, may the best man, beast or babe win.