RIVALRY WEEK #1 OF '06 OVER LIKE SOSA'S CAREER!

by Tello Reál, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

But don’t you worry, there’ll be another soon. Annually, there’s at least one ESPN-dubbed “Rivalry Week� for every day my Jewish buddies get to take off work or school and pretend to go to temple all day. But, as you may imagine, we at Rivalfish do not rue that fact. We even started a website so that ourselves and our cousins could play “journalist� and ramble on about which sports we caught all week.

So, personally, I caught a lot of basketball this week. Hockey’s not on television in the United States, and I think there’s still only like 19 teams in college, so rivalries are a little forced. And of course I caught jersey-chaser favorite J.J. Reddick and Duke beat barely-ranked UNC like they were supposed to, and then say everything they were supposed to, such as “It was an honor to play at the Dean Dome,� and “The rivalry between us and North Carolina is one of respect, not hatred.� The players on these teams seriously act like they are running for office. It’s mesmerizing. BUT THEN I realized I had maybe been wrong about them when reading the fine-print of Reddick’s interview. At one point, he said something that pretty much was, “with Maryland, we kinda have like this hate thing sorta going on.� Woah. Reddick’s gonna snap Joe. Additionally, in a stat that makes you realize how many times teams actually annually play each other in college basketball, Duke has taken 16 out of the last 19 against the Tar Heels, dating back to late ’03. Totally not kidding.

So, as you can see, there was better content during Rivalry week than the above. First of all, in an acquittal saved especially for Rivalry Week by the authorities in Rapid City, S.D, North Dakota cager Matt Klabo was deemed “not guilty� of simple assault for elbowing a South Dakota Tech opponent in a game last year.

Sticking to the police blotter, I caught a highlight lead-in jabbering about “Hoya Paranoia.� First thing that came to mind was an image of Patrick Ewing being led out of Villanova’s gates after being caught trying to nab the ’85 Natty Champ trophy. I’m not even double-checking on that year because I’m a braniac, and I don’t have to. Oh yeah, and he was wearing his old uniform in this daydream. However, I think they were instead just teasing about Georgetown’s pesky D when they said that.

Just to prove that they are “totally real rivals,� now that Miami has moved to the ACC, Miami’s big-man almost started brawling Sunday night with the Tar Heels’ big man.

In another first-time conference match-up, #13 Pittsburgh upset #10 West Virginia on Thursday in the first game between the two teams at a time when both were ranked within the top-25. Punch and pie was served. Everyone just started throwing it like total brats.

And when the violence of ruffian boys just got to me too much, I set out for some set shots and lay-ups and turned on the Tennessee vs. Vanderbilt Women’s game. Tennessee is ranked towards the top of the Top-25, Vandy ranked towards the bottom. Tennessee barely beat the Commodores, and Pat Summit called out her own team for being too “laid back.� Despite looking absolutely fabulous for an extremely-active, 87-year-old Hall-of-Famer with 33,432 NCAA victories, she needs to realize that her team has the only girl that can dunk, and that’s pretty much the whole battle right there, if she’s looking for her sport to win. I don’t want to hear it; I’m a Women’s coach myself.

Hoping to serve as a role-model to his entire state on Sunday, Pittsnogle of classically elitist West Virginia University had a “bounce� in his step, leading his team to a defeat of Big East Rival Georgetown, and his wife through natural childbirth all in one week! Georgetown fans are going to have to let that kid and his friends into parties now for sure! He’ll probably bring his new son! Congratulations Pittsnogle.

But not all rivalries end in beginnings, or even involve two teams. The Tigers of Mizzou have apparently taken on a formidable rival of late: their administration. Coach Quin Snyder got fired/was forced to resign. Apparently, “Coach Q� is either the most ridiculously unexplainably good wingman ever for his boys, or has a pool or something, because his team was oddly-overly-pissed about his dismissal. The administration is helping things along beautifully by not letting Coach Q talk to his players about what happened, “until negotiations are settled.� Missouri HS standouts are becoming so worried about continuing their careers in this program that they are building a whole other real college in the state of Missouri where they can play! Oh, Missouri, I jest!

Somewhat similarly, now that Purdue sucks, the Hoosiers have had to prompt their fans to turn against them in search of a new rival. As IU’s faithful can attend to, they’ve done this via sucking also. Now some of their fans wear black t-shirts to their games, and chant for the coach’s dismissal, just to be dramatic. It worked. Mike Davis went ill with exhaustion. He’s going to be ok though, so no worries. Except continued worries for IU’s team. They turned not-good really quickly after taking down Illinois a mere month ago.

And in closing, I’ll admit, I was never really going to ignore the classic rivalries that keep us coming back no matter my neurosis about seeming too “unoriginal.� There was U of I getting smoked again on Sunday, by Ohio State, in the one sport they actually have a legitimate chance of beating the Buckeye’s in. Ohio State had begun their week of Big-Ten bragging rights by jumping on another opportunity to taunt Michigan and their posse with a 94-85 basketball extravaganza on the road Thursday night.

#1 UCONN continued to attempt to screw us all by disproving the “when it’s a rivalry, you can throw out the rankings� tenet, by playing only half of the game against un-ranked Syracuse and still winning by 23.

Texas Tech lost by over twenty to 7^th-ranked Texas. Bobby Knight individually slapped the face of every player on his team, in succession, after the game in front of the media. Then he told them to bury him head first so his critics can kiss his behind. Nah! That’s what the old BK would do. The new, chill one, said, “They’re a very good basketball team. We’re not a very good basketball team.� Good for him. Rivalries don’t have to be all about bad names and fights guys!! Buonna Notte! I’m going to go listen to that hidden track that comes on six minutes after the end of the last song on Offspring’s 1994 smash, uh, “Smash.� Dude, I’m not only into sports.