RIVALFISH'S 11 BEST SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON INTROS OF ALL TIME

by Jonah Ansell, Rivalfish Producer

What happens when the rise of Kenny Loggins and Ronald Reagan-esque commercialism meet the creative expressiveness of the Rocky Montage? The Saturday morning cartoon intro.

Despite the best efforts of the popular D.A.R.E. campaign and Nancy Reagan's infamous efforts to teach kids to "Just Say No!," the War on Drugs didn't have a chance. Why? Because in the 1980s and early 1990s, the most popular Saturday Morning TV cartoons across the country were being created by stoners.

These zany, high concept premises could only be conceived and cleverly captured in an action packed one-minute cartoon intro by America's most elevated creative minds. It's scary to realize just how easily a jazzy musical score and overtly expositional lyrics could trick us into suspending our disbelief. Sure, they had roots in the earlier intros of the 1960s' classics (i.e. The Flinstones and The Jetsons). But, the technological advances since Star Wars and the stylized execution of high concept movies such as Weird Science and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure gave high concept cheesiness a mainstream fanbase.

This is not a popularity contest nor a cheap forum to praise the once popular TV shows that have recently enjoyed a retro-cool appeal. So you'll see some notable shows missing from this list. We can only select the best of the best, the highest of the high. These are the eleven best cartoon intros that stoned minds dared create. (No derivative shows were considered - i.e. Muppet Babies or DarkWing Duck or James Bond Jr.). Shows were judged by calculating the "stonerness" of the premise and for how well this premise was weaved into the visual and verbal exposition of the intro, rather than simply speaking it in a voiceover. Stay tuned for the worst ever winner at the very bottom.

11. Gummi Bears

Premise: Anthropomorphic Bears bounce around in Medieval Times. Enough said.



10. Inspector Gadget

Premise: A clumsy detective with a body like a Swiss army knife fights against the evil Dr. Claw, relying on his bodily contraptions and the brains of his niece Penny, and her futuristic problem solving computer book. I still think of this show intro every time I hear an ambulance.



9. Denver the Last Dinosaur

Premise: Four skateboarding/BMX riding teens happen upon a dinosaur egg that has survived into present day. To their surprise, the dinosaur that hatches from this egg speaks English. And what would you do if you found such a dinosaur? Why name him Denver, teach him to skateboard, get him a part in your metal band, and allow him to use pieces of his egg shell to travel the tubes of time, of course. View this classic video below but for a better version of the lyrics, click here.



8. Duck Tales

Premise: Follow the trials and tribulations of Scrooge McDuck and his three nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie - as they fend off attacks from greedy villains who attempt to steal Scrooge's riches. Drawn by an animation company known as Cuckoo's Nest studios, I have no doubts that druggies were behind this catchy jingle and these friendly duck faces.



7. Widget the World Watcher

Premise: Widget is a pint-sized purple alien from the Horsehead Nebula, who has the ability to morph into anything -- and guess how this do-gooder used his powers? To save the earth. Not save the earth in the traditional "good versus evil" fashion, featured in so many comic books and cartoons, but rather, to save nature from its predators. Deforestation, pollution, etc. Some might argue this show is derivative, because it shares many similarities with Captain Planet (also featured on this list). However, the musical homage to Gary Wright's Dream Weaver (around 00:51) gives this show intro a wonderful lasting power and though unknown to a larger audience, this jingle is a force to be reckoned with.




Premise: In the early 1980s, Prince Adam was transformed into the superhero He-Man, sending kids in suburban living rooms nationwide screaming to their moms "I have the power!" But it wasn't only He-Man who was transformed. His cowardly cat morphed into Battle Cat, just in time for he and his friends to defend Eternia and the secrets of Castle Grayskull from Skeletor. The intro is a little talky for my liking, but some fantastic imagery and the character introductions still stand strong.



5. Smurfs

Premise: Little blue creatures who live in mushroom houses somewhere in the hills of Europe. They fend off the evil Gargamel. They weren't saving the world, rather, they simply wanted to maintain the Smurf status quo. Not to be confused with this feel-good derivative show, The Snorks.



4. Captain Planet

Premise: With the world on the verge of apocalypse, five teens from the corners of the Earth come together to summon the power of Captain Planet. These do-gooders fight the evil pollutionists, something that Al Gore would tell you isn't as far fetched as you might've once thought.



3. Transformers

Premise: Before this show was appropriated by 21st century hipsters as a retro cool conversational reference point, Transformers hailed from Cybertron and, as in most other shows, there was a clear divide between good and evil. Optimus Prime led the Autobots while the evil Megatron led the Decepticons. Chances are that Rev. Ted Haggard would be considered a Decepticon, though he would claim to be totally cured of it.



2. ThunderCats


Premise: Lion-O and the rest of the gang take on the demonic wizard Mumm-Ra on a planet known as Third Earth, which many viewers believe to be a futuristic version of our Earth. No word if Jackass' Steve-O sees himself as a modern day Lion-O type figure, but there is just simply so much packed into this show that you have to read about it in full here.




1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Premise: Four anthropomorphic turtle mutants named after famous Italian artists are trained by their Sensai, an anthropomorphic rat named Master Splinter, to become -- what else? -- skilled ninja warriors. Sure, Shredder and the Foot Soldiers are an interesting concept for the "bad guys," but mix in the Turtles' penchant for eating pizza doused in peanut butter and the Turtles occasionally slipping into Dimension X to fight Crang, an evil brain who walks around in a robotic human suit, and you've got yourself a full-fledged stoner comedy and of course, the best show open of all time.





And the worst Saturday Morning cartoon intro of all time goes to:

ProStars, a short-lived 1992 series that featured Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky doing good for the sake of kids, apparently. This is what happens when weed isn't involved, and you have three sports agents create a show in a Madison Avenue conference room.