OUT OF HIS LEAGUE

by Tello Reál, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

jer·sey cha·ser, n, A person that only pursues, or is receptive to, the advances of athletes. Most-commonly women, and most often found on or around college campuses.

Congratulations Robert Vaden! We at Rivalfish have named you our first Jersey Chaser Target of the Week! Robby, we hardly knew ye! On Sunday, Vaden, the sophomore guard/forward for Indiana’s struggling Hoosiers, showed that he understands how to take advantage of his own rising stock. After tallying a career-at-home-best 21 points and 10 rebounds, Vaden exploded into a well-deserved fiesta of self-confidence. Merely days after putting up an under-appreciated 3 points against unranked Penn State, Vaden used Sunday’s performance to notify the Hoosiers that they are no longer worthies of his services. Ladies, I think this 6’5� steed out of Naptown has a point.

“I’m almost positive I won’t be back. I think it would be best for me to weigh my options elsewhere,� Vaden explained, before letting beleaguered outgoing coach Mike Davis know that he may still have the opportunity to hang out in the presence of such unbridled greatness.

“Hopefully he can get a job, and if he goes somewhere that’s good enough for me, I’ll be there with him,� Vaden continued regarding Davis, with a humility no central Indiana jersey chaser could ever rebuff. So don’t let him slip away girls, because once he’s foregoing a year of eligibility while toiling at the end of Southwest Missouri State’s bench, his charm may begin to fall flatter with every walk-on that hustles his way ahead of Vaden on the depth-chart. For now, at least, Vaden can be “chased� in Bloomington while pouring drinks at Kilroy’s Sports, scoffing at boosters at Yogi’s Grill & Bar, or buying a bottle of Boone’s Farm for a younger “Chaser� at Big Red Liquors. Good luck ladies! Let me know how he was!

But don’t get overwhelmed lasses. We may have added quite a man-prize to your radars, but we're taking one off as well. Jersey Chasers of the world, no matter what you do, DO NOT LAY BODE MILLER!

After being hyped enough to earn his own Nike website (www.joinbode.com), Bode managed to go 0-for-5 in medal attempts at the now-completed Turino Olympics. Now he won’t quit babbling about what a great time he had while failing to even somewhat pretend to ski competitively on the world’s most brilliant stage. “Results don’t matter,� “it’s all about the experience,� and “can someone find me a straight razor?� have all been heard recently spewing from the Zima-drenched lips of this John Daly wannabe. Bode seems to have picked the wrong sport to compete in as a substance-abusing Ginger. “Gingers,� in case you Olympic jersey chasers are unfamiliar, are people regrettably born with red hair, pale skin, and freckles. To be honest, even when they succeed in sports, you should probably stay away from their freakish facades.

Nevertheless, Bode’s Olympic Festival of Futility has probably left the committed legion of chasers with little temptation. Don’t quote me on this, but I think he disqualified himself in more races than he finished. During the 1000 meters, he supposedly took off one of his skis and sat on it in a moment of mid-course inelegance. Putz.

Hey Chicas, you know how many Olympic medals I earned this year? The exact same amount as USA Skiing’s prized pony, Bode Miller. Point made girls. Let’s go get a cocktail. I know a place with all-you-can-eat hard-boiled eggs.