OH YOU WOULDN'T KNOW...YOUR ASS BETTER CALL SOMEBODY!!!!

by Dan Tella, draspate@indiana.edu

I love watching Michigan trounce on Notre Dame, regardless of the meaningfulness of the game or the sport being played. But whether standing trouser-less on the sidelines of a Woman’s Volleyball match, or being thrust into the air by a handsome frat boy when Michigan runs up the score against the Irish, I know I’m never going to see a Michigan letterman shoving a handful of thumbtacks into the back of an opponent’s head. However, that is almost always the case in WWF (ridiculously unnecessary name change). Who cares if their rivalries are written storylines? They’re magical. And who has even ever admitted that it’s not real? Find me a quote.

Goddamn! Everything from Hulk vs. Andre The Giant to DX (Degeneration X, for losers and hippies that didn’t know that) vs. The Nation (of Domination) was magnificent. These wrestling rivalries were the things that kept me tuning in religiously from age 3 to 17. Every Monday night I popped on the USA Network, and if my mom told me I had to finish my homework first, I “stunned� her. No questions asked. Every Sunday that offered a pay-per-view, same deal para mi mama if she started acting loco: A Tito Santana “Flying Forearm� right then and there. My boy Andy owned a black box that got free PPV channels. I swear we only used it to watch wrestling.

Recently the WWE has gone to hell, which was coincidently at the same time that they changed their name from the WWF. Shawn “The Heartbreak Kid� Michaels was always my favorite wrestler and his tenure in the WWF/E has been marked with some great rivalries. Shawn’s fame was set into motion by the timeless rivalry between he and his Rockers tag-team partner, Marty Jannetty, beginning when Shawn opted to throw him through a plate-glass barbershop window and become a singles star.

Another great rivalry for “The Showstopper� was with Brett "the Hitman" Hart. This rivalry came to its pinnacle when Shawn Michaels gave the "Sharp-Shooter" to The Hitman, whom then lost via submission despite never physically “tapping out.� The Ref wasn’t even fined for that nonsense. The NFL should consider themselves lucky to have such great officiating. Vince McMahon had the match rigged behind The Hitman's back. Little did he know that this controversy was going to end his WWF career, and begin his career as a graceful mullet-bearing, minor league hockey owner.

Shawn went on to have unforgettable rivalries with The Undertaker, Razor “Scot Hall with Greasier Hair� Ramon, Diesel (originally HBK’s body guard), and Steve Austin (the famous “Mike Tyson Match�.) He’s still doing something in wrestling today, but I liken it to Jordan on the Wizards, and refuse to watch.

But here’s my point: Every Monday night I turned on the USA Network to catch WWF Raw because I lived to see Shawn battle his rivals. Also, as explained previously, it gave me a perfect opportunity to knock my mom down a peg with a belly-to-belly suplex, a la Ken Shamrock. The reason these rivals were so great may lay in the WWF’s consistently great writing, keeping the story lines interesting by flip-flopping characters quicker than Chyna turned herself into a female. It could make any man, boy, or NAMBLA-member’s stomach drop. Remember when HHH and The Rock first began to battle in the good ‘ole Nation vs. DX battles? HHH was the good guy that the fans loved, while The Rock was hated. Within the year the roles were completely flip-flopped but the rivalry hadn’t missed a beat. Genius. What channel is USA Network these days anyway? I don’t have any homework tonight.