The Duke Spirit thoroughly rock Chicago

On Thursday, August 14th Chicago music fans were treated to a show from the British rock group The Duke Spirit at The Empty Bottle (near Division and Western). Because they had two opening acts and the doors did not open till 9:30 concert goers had to wait till near midnight to see The Duke Spirit, but I doubt anyway complained after the show. The band stuck mostly to tracks off of their latest release, Neptune, but did throw in some other songs for good measure. Neptune, for those who don't know, is one of the best quasi-psychedelic rock albums released in 2008. The question was would they translate the songs off the album into a good live show. Mission accomplished, from the get go The Duke Spirit brought the party with the right balance of drums, guitar and reverb. Lead singer Liela Moss not only showed off her great pipes but had an infectious and energetic stage presence. Aside from her singing and being a total babe she was always aggressively playing the tambourine and even showed off some kick ass harmonica skills on a couple tunes. 

The crowd and venue also added to the vibe. It was a decent crowd but by no means claustrophobic (I could always get to the bar with ease for $4 top shelf drinks!). The Empty Bottle only asked for $8 for the show, which made the value of this show ridiculous as I would have paid much, much more for that show. I also liked the laid back feel of the place, with all brick walls and a separate bar/pool room off to the side in case you wanted a break from the noise. 

The Duke Spirit played for over an hour with a three song encore. I wasn't keeping track but I believe they played every track from their Neptune LP. Especially badass was their performance of 'This Ship was Built to Last" and "Lassoo" which were wonderful high volumed pure'ist rock performances. They showed they can be dynamic, however, with a wonderful performance of their slow-building and more mellow "Wooden Heart." All in all it was a special performance from a Band that really has potential to make it big; if they don't however I will be more than happy to see them perform again in an intimate setting such as the show at the Empty Bottle.

by Sean Brna

Olympic Proposal

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


How awesome would it be if we could combine the Special Olympics with the regular Olympics just for one relay race? Imagine Carl Lewis running the first leg, handing it off to Warren from Something About Mary, who then hands off to Michael Johnson, who passes the baton to Corky for the anchor leg? Maybe we could have a disabled Olympian thrown in there for good measure.

Another high-brow idea: Do they have synchronized swimming and diving in the Special Olympics? I wouldn't mind seeing a re re paired up with a non-re re in synchronized swimming or diving either. But if they did medal, I think it would be in poor taste if the non-Special competitor told his teammate that the medal was a chocolate wrapped in foil.

Don't Blame China for Being China

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

You can't hear about the Beijing Olympics without hearing about the controversy of China hosting the games. Between communism, CGI fireworks, a lip-synching girl at the opening ceremonies, silenced journalists, poor security, and poor air quality, dissenters have had plenty of fuel for their distaste.

What confuses me though is why China is being blamed for this, and not the International Olympic Committee who granted them the games? That's like asking a homeless guy to do your Calculus homework, then getting upset when he screws it up. Just because you asked him to change his character, doesn't mean you have the right to be disappointed when he doesn't. It means you are a moron, not him. The world knew China's government was stupid before the games, so how are we gonna blame them for continuing to act the way they always have? China is just being China, the IOC is the moron.

Olympic Semantics

By T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I can assure you that I am as excited as anyone else to see Michael Phelps win every race he is in. I hope he sets the record for most gold medals by any Olympian ever, and I hope he adds to that total in London. But let's not get caught up in saying that he is the "Best Olympian" ever as a result of his medals tally. Upon winning his 10th gold medal he will be the most decorated Olympian in history, but not necessarily the best.

His sport offers more medals than any other sport. There are four different strokes, varied distances, relays at varied distances, and medleys- both individual and relay at varied distances. While Phelps could finish this Olympics perfectly, that does not prove that he is the best athlete in the history of the games.

If a US Softball player hits a home run in every at-bat for 3 straight Olympics she could finish with, at most, three gold medals over a 12 year span, a total that Phelps can achieve in two days. Athletic talent and medal quantity are not synonymous. Phelps will be the most decorated Olympic athlete, but that does not make him the best.

The Loyal Divide and their Friends: Loyal to Persistant Awesomeness

by Sean Brna

Last Friday, August 8th, Fanfound.com presented a three-band performance at the storied Kinetic Playground in Uptown Chicago, a small to mid-sized venue located directly across the street from the Aragon Theater. The weather was wonderful & the music lasted late into the night, it was indeed a great Chicago weekend evening. The music began around 9:30pm and listeners were treated to shows from three solid local bands: Bully In The Hallway, Verona Red and The Loyal Divide.

Bully in the Hallway went on shortly after half past nine, and while the crowd was still trickling in once their aggressive punk-rock chords rung out there was a noticeable increase in the amount of street traffic that decided to stop in for some tunes. If you like high energy and some distortion with strong backbeats this band could be for you. Lead singer Mathé Simon, whose only focus is to belt out the lyrics and be his own hype man on stage, provided quite the start to the show with his high-octane style of singing. The band gelled well musically onstage, which was impressive considering that their bassist was not playing due to a broken hand. However, the guitarists did a good job of covering this fact up the best he could. Matteo Jannotta, the drummer, was the most sound in his musical fundamentals, providing the percussion (without a bassist mind you) in perfect time with a certain swing to it that made the music significantly danceable even though their genre doesn’t always lend itself to that in a live and loud setting. There was room for improvement, however, as the lyrics were at times sung with such enthusiasm that the mics would distort and clip. There also could have been more sonic space for each instrument, as there was more “blurring” of the guitars compared to their recorded material. However, this could be a result of a band not only being the one to go on first but having to play without their bassist. All in all Bully in the Hallway provided a very entertaining show that worked wonderfully to vigorously kick start the evening.

Verona Red was the second act on the night and took the stage around 11:15pm. Verona switched the vibe within the Kinetic Playground from the more aggressive rock provided by Bully In The Hallway into a more dynamic and party’ish (for lack of a better word) show. Verona is a 4-piece band with the lead signer occasionally giving up his guitar to sit down at the piano. As the crowd grew slowly Verona Red was happy to oblige them with quite danceable grooves. They were also happy to provide the occasional creative cover in-between their originals, just to make sure the crowd was having fun while they frequented the bar. Verona provided lyrics that were in key and catchy, yet at times they did seem over stylized. Maybe the best performance was their last number, “Hesitations and Clichés”, in which a catchy piano piece was combined with an energetic drum line and showed the best of what they have to offer.

The last band, and one of the best young bands this author has seen in recent years, was The Loyal Divide. This band, which formed while the artists were attending Miami of Ohio, has been working the Chicago area for just a couple years. However, one would never guess this after seeing them play just one song. The band is a five piece (Siddharth Chittajallu, Adam L. Johnson, Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Notowidigdo, Christopher Sadek) with each member being able to apparently play numerous instruments. They are quick to use samplers and synthesizers, yet they do not overkill their music with artificiality due to their well balances use of acoustic guitar, percussion, trumpet and great vocals. From the onset of their first song the tightness of the band was readily apparent to everyone in the venue. Before the first number was over the bar was relatively empty, as everyone had moved to get close to the stage and see who exactly was creating the awesome sounds all were hearing. And even though they did not come on until after midnight their sound drew in more people off the street. The artists appeared to have live-performance in their blood as they moved and acted as one. They were able to give each instrument their own sonic-space yet have a lot going on. Also, there was a pleasant lack of ego to their music as well; no single artist in the band was in control, they played as servants to their own music. To attempt to communicate the type of music The Loyal Divide plays one could say they are “like Radiohead,” because of their use of samples and electronic sounds combined with a mellow psychedelic-rock feel. Yet this comparison isn’t totally fair as they do have their own unique sound and sonic philosophy. Two songs this author felt were worth noting are ‘Ancestor’ and ‘Tulip’ which are now being played often after my purchase of their self-titled EP (I rarely by CDs at concerts but this had to be done). Like all good bands their recorded material is great, but does not compare to seeing them live, something I suggest to all reading this.

In the end it was a kick ass Friday night of local bands at The Kinetic Playground. Fanfound.com threw a great show, only $9 for nearly 4 hours of live music! They also gave away tickets to the Chicago Blues & Blue Grass festival in November and to future Fanfound events. You can catch the next Fanfound.com concert on August 29th, again at the Kinetic Playground. Bully In the Hallway can be seen next at Shubas on September 11th. Verona Red can be seen again at Kinetic Playground august 29th. The Loyal Divide can be seen August 23rd at the Red Line Tap and on September 5th at Beat Kitchen.

Bernie Mac Dies From Bartman Curse

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Bernie Mac died yesterday or today. Any good Cub fan recalls that Bernie Mac sang the 7th inning stretch during game 6 of the 2003 NLCS, also known as the game where the fan pictured above interfered with the foul ball. Mac's performance is considered by many Cub fans to have been more of a jinx than what the fan did. During the seventh inning stretch, the Cubs had the lead over the Marlins and were 6 outs away from going to the World Series. Instead of singing "...root root root for the Cubbies..." Mac ad-libbed "...root root root for the CHAMPS...". The rest was history. Two short years later Hurricane Katrina leveled New Orleans. And only months after that a giant Tsunami decimated Indonesia.

Since you were wondering what my second favorite memory of Bernie Mac is, I will tell you. I was watching the BET version of Entertainment Tonight a few years ago as they previewed the superstar soaked movie Ocean's 11. After the preview the BET journalist said "That opens Friday, go check it out. Ocean's 11 stars Don Cheedle and Bernie Mac." Gotta love BET.

Arlington Million Preview

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Saturday's 2008 Grade 1 Arlington Million (ESPN 3et) ought to be a doozie. Unlike in years past, this year's edition doesn't feature any obvious favorites, or all-out monsters that are sure to either win or finish in the exacta. What the field lacks in megawatt superstars, it makes up for in top-to-bottom quality and the subsequent betting opportunities that go along with that.

The morning line favorite is the well-traveled Archipenko. He has born in Kentucky and has already raced in Ireland, England, Japan, and Dubai and now will add the States to his resume. While he has won only one Grade 1 event, he's the only horse in the field that has won his last two races, a grade 2 and grade 1 where he was 14-1 and 11-1, respectively. He's an obvious contender in tomorrow's race but with the number four horse, Sudan, scratching he may not be quite as attractive as a win candidate. When Archipenko is at his best, he's sitting a few lengths off of a hot pace and makes his move at the end of race, passing the tired horses that sprinted out ahead of him. Sudan was expected to be the early speed in the race, serving as a target for every horse to run at, without him the early going should be a bit slower which means horses will have more energy at the end of the race. He drew the #1 post and that is a possible concern as well. Since he won't be darting out to the lead, it's possible he'll get pinned in on the rail and have a difficult time finding running room when he makes his move late. Archi is certainly the horse that has ran the best lately, but at such a short price there are a few things to dislike as well.

With Sudan out of the race, the logic speed horse will be the French horse Spirit One. He may be a Frenchy that has never won a Grade 1 race, but he always seems to find his way into the trifecta and never loses his lead easily. It's also apparent that this is the distance he prefers. At 10-1 in the morning line in such a wide open race, I think he's worth taking a shot with since we know he will at least be in the lead at some point, which is more than we can say about any other horse in this field. I doubt he will go off at 10-1, my guess is that he'll be closer to 5 or 6-1, considering that he went off at 5-1 against the best European horse, Duke of Marmalade, in April. If he does go off closer to 8 or 10-1, he'll certainly be intriguing at that price.

The second favorite in the morning line is the 7, Great Britain's Mount Nelson. This is another curious morning line at 5-2. His last two races have been very fast, but other than that his resume wouldn't suggest he belongs in the race. He has run in two Grade 1 races at this distance- one of which he won (which was his last race), the other he finished 11th in a 12 horse field, 40 lengths behind the leader.

The third favorite in the morning line is the more consistent, American representative Einstein. "Einie" has raced in all the best turf races in America this year and finished solidly in all of them and he is currently listed on the Watchmaker Watch as the fourth best American turf horse. His typical running style ought to put him a bit closer to the lead early on than where Archipenko ought to be, and with tepid early fractions likely, I think that will be advantageous for Einstein. My guess is that he'll go off as the second favorite in the race around 5-2, or 3-1 and I think he's a very logical horse to use.

The last horse I'll mention is Stream Cat who finished 4th in this race last year, beaten by only a length. Up until his last race, that 4th place finish has pretty much been the feather in his cap for his entire career. In his last race, which was also over the turf at Arlington, he won impressively over Cosmonaut in his only other race this year. It's difficult to say whether that was the beginning of a trend, or an anomaly; but either way I can't endorse this horse with much fervor.


My picks are:



6. Einstein
1. Spirit One
3. Archipenko

Since Einstein is my pic, and America's best chance at winning the race, I included this video as a bonus. Just watch it, it's hilarious. Your satisfaction is guaranteed or my pseudonym isn't T.R. Slyder.

Edwards on Affair: My Wife Had Cancer, so I Couldn't De-pants her; My Wang got Listless Then I Called My Mistress

When asked to comment on the affair, his mistress said, "He told me his wife had a terminal ailment, and I said I was down for impalement."

TR's Assumptive Movie Reviews 2.0

By T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

As you may recall from the previous installment, this is the column where I review movies I have not seen based upon how I assume they're going to be.

Alexandra- I was deciding what to do with some free time the other day and I thought, "I am just so sick of hearing everyone on the news talking about the war in Iraq. Everyone seems to have an opinion, yet no one shuts up about Iraq. I just don't want to hear about it anymore. There are plenty of other wars to drone on about, why isolate just this war! I want to watch a movie where the director charges us admission, so we can have the right to watch him put in his two-cents about the the Russian occupation of Chechnya." You can imagine my delight when I realized Alexandra was showing at my local cineplex. It's got everything I look for in a war movie- political opinion, a very slow pace, and the courage to convey the message that war is actually sad and not always as fun as it appears to be.

Bottle Shock- If you liked Sideways but felt annoyed at how it was entertaining and witty, then this is the movie for you. Similarly, if while watching Rocky defeat Ivan Drago you thought "I mean I guess this is ok, but it would be much cooler if instead of boxing it were a chardonnay tasting/competition, and instead of taking on Russia we took on the French.", then this is definitely your movie. It felt like an infomercial from the Napa Valley Chamber of Commerce, but more schmaltzy. And not the good kind of schmaltzy, the lame kind. One improvement over Sideways however, was it's lack of dudeity (dude nudity). It is possible for a wine movie to not have dudeity, it's about time Hollywood producers got it right

Hellboy II- This movie isn't about Ryan Seacrest, it's about a superhero. I know, the title is misleading. At first I thought this movie sucked, then after a few more minutes of viewing I thought it still sucked. Then after the movie was over I thought it sucked.

This movie is your for you if: You are fed up with super hero movies that don't suck.

Hellride- Hilariously awful. It's about feuding geezer motorcycle gangs. Seriously. Quentin Tarrantino was the executive producer, so you know this film has all the pretension and seriousness that make it ripe for a good pointing-and-laughing. Now you may be thinking "Oh, a motorcycle gang- well, what kind of motorcycle gang? The kind that rides around committing random acts of kindess, or the rough and tumble variety?" But the clever insertion of the word "Hell" in the title lets you know right away that they are indeed the latter.

This movie is for you if: You've always wanted to see a man wearing Depends underneath his leather chaps while committing a felony on the big screen.

NOTE: Michael Madsen was in this movie. I mention this because He had the hands-down most pathetic moment in the history of MTV Cribs. First of all, in true Los Angelino fashion he began the tour by mentioning how he bought the house from....TED DANSON..., like we should give a shit. Then while showing off his bathroom and playing up the Old-Hollywood historical appeal of his house he said "Lots of famous people have used that bathtub...Ted Danson, Whoopi Goldberg......Elliot Gould has also used it." Real dope, Michael. Real dope.

Man on a Wire- I saw the preview for this before I saw Gonzo, the Hunter S. Thompson documentary. This movie was actually awesome. It's a documentary about a French dude walking across a tight rope between the twin towers in 1974. There is actually a great deal of drama as there were endless complications with legal authorities, and the illegality of the act heightens the intensity of the film.

This movie is for you if: You enjoy seeing Frenchmen in harm's way.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor- The genre of film that most consistently disappoints is definitely action. I touched upon this in my last assumptive movie review column, so I won't re-harp on it, but this movie is no exception. It's a franchise. While we all want to see Brendan Fraser get killed (in the movie and in real life), you know isn't going to. He's also by far the least believable action "star" of all time. There is a lot about Hollywood that just baffles me and his career is right at the top of that list. There is no reason to watch this film.

This movie is for you if: you agree that Brenden Fraser:Sean Connery::Frank Sinatra: Clay Aiken. Otherwise, you'll think this movie blows and Brenden is a total poontang.

Pineapple Express- When my friend asked, "Did you see that Seth Rogen is in a new movie?", I first said "No" then my friend said he'd give me five chances to guess what kind of character Rogan plays in this movie. My guesses were as follows: 1. A Tai Chi instructor from Kyoto (incorrect), 2. A Frenchman, elite jewel thief (incorrect) 3. A debonair Greek tycoon/playboy (incorrect) 4. A shrewed Turkish trader with a heart of gold in a 1870's period piece (incorrect) and 5. Shakespeare's Richard III (incorrect also). You can imagine my abject shock when I found that Seth plays an overweight, hairy stoner in this one. I actually thought my friend was lying, but it turns out he wasn't. Seth plays a stoner in this one. You can add this to the list of hollywood certainties now along with: Al Pacino's character is gonna scream, Michael Douglas will play a greedy a-hole and scream, Gwyneth Paltrow will play a delicate flower-of-a-woman who is wronged by the man she's in a relationship with and do her little cutesy downtrodden face, and Julia Roberts will attempt to play a woman whose charms are irresistible. Congratulations Seth!

This movie is cliched and has been done before. I think what happened was Rogen and his friends were like, "Dude, whenever we're high everything is funnier. If we could somehow get high and write a movie, then act it out while we're high, it would be hilarious, right??" Sure it was probably funny to them, but not to us.

This movie is for you if: You are high, but not wanting to have a good time.

Fat Fall Friday

T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


You know the drill.

Ha Ha, More Rivalroom Math

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Lame + Lame = Two Lame Things

If you read this colum I wrote that said that the phrase "Size Matters" is no longer funny/clever/subversive/original, and you also read #s 6 and 13 from my recent 15 Things I Never Want to see Again on Television, then this picture on TMZ.com should be about the least surprising thing of all time.

If ever there were a poster boy for proving what's lame it's that guy. Nice of him to remove all doubt about that phrase and prove my articles correct. I told you I was awesome!

Is it what it is?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

The most annoying phrase in the English language has got to be, "It is what it is."

No shit, it is what it is. What question does that answer? If you say "Hey man, I heard you and your girlfriend broke up. How are things going?" and your friend responds with "Eh. It is what it is.", what question is that answering exactly? I mean no shit, it is what it is. The only way that answer could be construed as pertinent to the conversation would be if your question were actually, "Hey man, I heard you and your girlfriend broke up. Is it what it is?" Then he cleared up the cloud of misconceptions with the illuminating "It is what it is." Furthermore, only a goddamn imbecile would ask a question like that.

Hines Ward was in the news today. When he was asked his feelings about a teammate laying him out in practice his response was "It is what it is." Again- no shit. Did Hines say that pre-emptively out of fear someone may allege, "I saw the tape, and I feel that it is not what it is. How would you respond to that"? Did Hines really find that a viable threat? And if someone did ask that question, they'd probably be wearing a helmet and a straightjacket while they lick the window of the short bus.

The philosophical and linguistic break down of that phrase looks like this:

It is = It is

How unintelligent do you think your audience is? You mean to tell me that you assumed they did not know something equals itself? I mean, that's pretty fucking insulting. If your friend called you up and said, "Here's the thing, I'm gonna let you in on a little something that most people don't know: 7 equals 7." You'd either be insulted or think "Wow, my friend is a real fucking moron." You'd be correct to think the latter.

Steve Carell + Janet Reno = Rod Blagojevich

By T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

We at Rivalfish have proof that Steve Carell and Former US Attorney General Janet Reno had a love child. The proof is, of course current Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

+

=

Kornheiser. Botox.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Tony Kornheiser was actually on his own show today. Capped teeth and botox galore. The only reason I started watching PTI years ago was because of his good looks, then a few wrinkles crept in and ruined it all for me. Thank God he remedied that, and I can watch him now. Great job, Tony.

15 Things I Never Want to see Again on Television

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

1. A recap of MTV video/movie awards show's most outrageous moments

2. American Idol. Why would I watch karaoke sung by 17 year old chicks and gay dudes? I think for a generation of young, gay males auditioning for American Idol is like the primer for coming out of the closet. It's a foolproof plan- If your parents suspected you were gay before, then your audition confirmed it. And if they never thought you might be gay, this plants the seed in their head and really softens the blow for if/when you do come out.

3. Puffy Daddy starting a sentence with "Imma type-a guy that..", "I don't know about y'all, but I..." or any sentence starting with "I..." or any sentence where he talks about himself. I guess my point is, I don't want to see Puff Daddy again ever.

4. A countdown of the most outrageous reality show moments

5. Any show on CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, or any ESPN show with more than two panelists/talking heads on the screen at one time. Especially when there are like four of them, all in different cities, but they manage to scream at one another thanks to the magic of television.

6. Any reality show where a camera crew follows around people who are not famous, and just watches them live their lives.

7.That guy who does the commericals for OxyClean. When will he finally scream for Grecian 5? It's pretty obvious he uses a lot of it. It just seems like such an obvious match that you get the feeling it's gonna happen.

8. Hollywood Countdowns- like Hollywood's Hottest Body, or Hottest Hottie Over 40, or Hollywood's Hottest Bad Boys. Classy concept, guys- judge people's superficial qualities and then rank them, despite the subjects of the judging never consenting to being judged. Then make a show of that judging and target that show toward adolescents. Aren't these same media outlets that feign outrage when young girls are dressing too sexy? Then they pretend to be responsible and act shocked when young actresses and musicians have eating disorders or get plastic surgery. Then they rank who looks the most anorexic.

9. CNBC doing any more prison documentaries

10. SportsCenter leading their newscast with a news story instead of showing sports highlights from that day. Permit me an example, "Cubs and Cardinals played earlier today, but first- we recap the status of Jorge Posada's possible surgery, cuz he's in the AL East. Then after that- how Theo Epstein's Autistic Uncle may or may not have made him who he is today. Afterward, Pedro Gomez, Barry Bonds, Bretty Favre, Chris Berman, Derek Jeter, T.O., Tiger Woods and Peyton Manning will all engage in a man daisy-chain. After a short commercial break, we'll hear Linda Cohn's opinion of those high school softball chicks that carried that other chick around the bases, then we'll have a pencil-neck nutsack give you a heads-up on what to look for in your 2014 Fantasy NFL Draft- in case the other guys in your fantasy league never watch ESPN. After a brief commerical break we'll preview the 2008 Winter X-Games with a highlight montage set to death-metal that no one listens to but whose label's parent company is the same as our own. After that we'll get our PTI guys (i.e. Wilbon + anyone that isn't Kornheiser) to break something down, followed shortly by Bob Ley taking the fun out of sports- this time talking about what the sacrifice bunt says about American Life post-WWI. Then we'll kick it to commerical...but when we come back...Stephen A.Hole Smith will shout unintelligably, then a few thoughts with Trey Wingo about the AFL and Poker. Then right after that- we'll get to those highlights from an extra-innings Cubs/Cardinals game. It was an amazing finish that you won't want to miss."

11. Golf on more than one channel at the same time. That includes the Golf Channel.

12. Local news giving you "World News in a Minute" Ya know what? How about goddamn "weather in a minute", and world news for 15 minutes?

13. Any reality show featuring anyone who currently lives in Los Angeles. Let me guess- all the women have had plastic surgery and are shallow. Not only that, the guys in that show are 85% gay and wear v-neck t-shirts that comeplete with graffitti/tribal designs. We get it. Trust me. We get it. We also get that, even though the people on the show have had only 9 years of formal education they feel that somehow they understand the world in ways we never will. We have heard you loud and clear, now please stop doing television.

14. Next-Time-Won't-You-Sing-With-Me List Celebrity's Cribs. You won some dirt bike competition in 2003. I don't care what you've been up to or what's in your refrigerator.

15. Any court/judge show. Is this some kind of a joke that I'm not in on? Are those actual judges? These judges are the guardians of our liberty? Didn't America used to be ashamed of it's biggest losers and not shove television cameras in their face? When did this all change?

White Wussy Wednesday

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

This video is titled "Worst Rap Battle Ever" and I think I know why. Ever wanted to watch William Hung rap? It would be a lot like this.




Oh wow. We have a late entrant to the race, folks. While he doesn't qualify as white, he does qualify as probably the worst rapper possible. Watch Eli at the 2:55 mark. (some language is not safe for work).



What surprises me the most about this video is how Eli got beaten out by Orlando Jones for the part in Office Space of the crackead selling magazine subscriptions. Oh, right. That part also required the actor to play a non-weirdo for a few minutes. Nevermind. I get it.

Brewer Fight

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

So Manny Parra and Prince "Boobies" Fielder had a lover's quarrel the other night in their dugout. Since all couples nowadays must have a singluar name that combines both of their names- I think their name should be either "Man Boobies" or simply, "Moobies", combining Manny + Boobies.

Fielder's actions were justified however, since most baseball experts agree that the lack of Manny Parra's facial lacerations were causing the current Brewer losing streak, and not the absence of timely hitting.

Cheering For Laundry with Socrates

By: T.R. Slyder (TRSlyder@yahoo.com)

Cheering for any professional sports team is an odd phenomenon. The appreciation for the sport isn't weird, but loyalty for one team is a bit weird. It becomes difficult to pin down what it is specifically you are cheering for.

Take my favorite team for instance. The Chicago Cubs. If I were asked what I like about them I might say "Everything, really. I like the players, their manager, Wrigley Field, Wrigleyville, their history, Ron Santo, their home uniforms are classic, I even like the name Cubs." But if you wanted to use the Socratic Method to get to the precise epicenter of what this "Cubness" is that I am so fond of, I think that would be pretty difficult. A Socratic Dialogue would go something like this:

Socrates: So you mentioned that you like their players.

T.R.: Yes, I do.

Socrates: And you profess to hate the Cardinals of St. Louis, I hear.

T.R.: Yes, very much so, Socrates.

Socrates: What if the Cubs and Cardinals enacted a trade where the Cubs sent every single one of their players to the Cardinals in exchange for every single one of the Cardinals players. A team-for-team trade as it were, mangers and coaches as well. Surely your allegiance would shift and you would be a Cardinals fan then, right?

T.R.: No way. I would still be a Cubs fan, and all the guys that used to be Cardinals are now Cubs. So I would cheer for them, as difficult as that may be at first. Plus as I mentioned, I like more about the Cubs than just the players. Some people refer to this concept as "cheering for laundry" since I'm basically going to support anyone that wears the Cub uniform.

Socrates.: I see. Yes, you also mentioned your love of their venue and neighborhood. Imagine then, if shortly after the Cubs and Cardinals team-for-team trade commenced the Cubs owner announced some more news. Suppose they were to say that the Cubs are closing Wrigley Field and moving them to the suburb of Schaumburg . They would still be the Chicago Cubs, but would no longer play their home games in Wrigley Field, or in the area known as Wrigleyville. Would they cease to be your favorite team then?

T.R.: Wow, I don't even want to think about that. But yes they would still be my favorite team.

Socrates: Oh wow, I thought that might make you abandon them. Suppose then that the Cubs owner then said "To celebrate our move to Schaumburg we are going to change our home uniforms to be hot pink, and our road uniforms will be plaid". Surely, this departure would be too much for you and you'd find a new favorite team.

T.R.: You are a sick man, Socrates. A sick, SICK, man. You are wrong on many levels- and one of things you're wrong about is me abandoning them. I'd root for pink or plaid Chicago Cubs.

Socrates: Let's recap here- we know that you love the Cubs. There is no doubt about that. But what you do love about them isn't their players, manager, venue, or uniforms.

T.R.: Yeah, I guess I agree with that.

Socrates: And you like the name- the Cubs?

T.R.: Yeah, it's unique. They're the only team I know of that's nickname is a dimunitive. They aren't The Bears, they're the baby bears, the Cubs. You don't see teams nicknamed puppies or kittens, or tadpoles, or ducklings. Plus a cub is tangible, it's a literal thing, unlike the Red Sox- "sox" isn't even a word. Or the Padres or Yankees, or the Miami Heat. A nickname has to have a tangible instantiation.

Socrates: Glad to see such a young, handsome man like yourself has given it some thought. Now indulge me this silly idea. Suppose a small business owner came forward with his powerful attorney and said that his great-great grandfather was a candy maker.

T.R.: Um, ok.

Socrates: His grandfater made several very popular varieties of candy in the late 1890's, his best selling candy was the predecesser to what we now call Gummi Bears. He called them "Chicago Cubs", but more importantly- he had the legal naming rights to that name. This man's great-great Grandson and his attorney are now demanding that the Chicago Cubs baseball team change their name, as they are planning to reintroduce their line of candy in 2009.

T.R.: You're really reaching here...

Socrates: Easy now, my strapping young lad... Did this not happen to the WWE? You recall it was once the WWF- World Wrestling Federation, until it was sued by the Word Wildlife Fund. Even though it was a billion-dollar entertainment industry, the WWE had to change. Surely you must concede it is at least possible that this could happen to the Cubs.

T.R.: I guess it is possible, yes.

Socrates: So if they changed their names to the Chicago Women, wore pink uniforms, played in Schaumburg, and fielded a team full of men that just yesterday played for the St. Louis Cardinals, they would still be your favorite team?

T.R.: *Sigh* Yeah, I guess so.

Socrates: I see. This is truly a bizarre loyalty you posses Mr. Slyder. Now you also expressed a fondness for their history- sighting Ron Santo.

T.R.: Yes.

Socrates: And you feel that Ron Santo embodies "Cubness", whatever that is?

T.R.: Oh god yes. Unquestionably. He's the Alpha Cub.

Socrates: And Ron Santo, at least on occasion, is willing to drink alcoholic beverages- is he not?

T.R.: Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's a drinker. Not to a problematic extent or anything, but I have heard that he does drink, yes.

Socrates: Very well. Suppose then, my ruggedly handsome young friend, that you and Mr. Santo were drinking together in Wrigleyville during the offseason. Being a beloved Cub great, people kept sending drinks over to your table. You and Ron were having a great time, and gladly accepted all these drinks and gleefully drank them down. The two of you are telling funny stories about yourselves and even admitting a few things you probably never would have if you were not drinking. After a few hours of this you found yourselves to be very drunk. Like bleary eyed, stammering, bad breath, closing-one-eye-to focus-drunk, what's the word for it when you're that drunk?

T.R.: Stinko.

Socrates: Yes! Thank you. You and Ron were stinko. Then, for the sake of our story, Ron announces that he needs to make a visit to the restroom. After he excuses himself, you realize that you need to make a stop as well. When you walk in, about 20 seconds after Ron, you see he is the only one using the restroom and he's standing in front of a urinal. He's so drunk that as he is using the urinal has his pants around his ankles, but still wearing his underwear. But these aren't just whitey tighties. They are St. Louis Cardinals underwear. And appear to be a large size version of women's underwear. Your Cub hero is wearing St. Louis Cardinals women's underwear. (NOTE TO READER: I was going to use my Cub hero's name in that sentence. But I didn't want a Google search of his name + "wearing St. Louis Cardinals Women's Underwear" to produce any hits). You express your shock, horror and disdain for his choice of attire, and he turns his head and casually says "Oh, these? Yeah. I wear them all the time. The pink thong one is in the wash. I have actually loved the Cardinals all these years and sercretly hate the Cubs with a passion so intense...."

T.R.: EW! NO. No. No. No. That's the dumbest crap I have EVER heard. I've never even accidentally THOUGHT anything so stupid, much less heard anything so stupid. That is not possible and you know that.

Socrates: Ha ha, yeah I know. I'm surprised you let me get that far. I kept waiting for you to cut me off, I actually didn't know what I was going to say next if you hadn't cut me off just then. Man, you should have see your young handsome face when I said "women's underwear".

T.R.: God, you're sick.

Socrates: Anyway. So I suppose Santo is inextricably linked with the Cubs. Even I cannot deny that. But let me ask you this- Suppose the Cubs were purchased by Art Modell, or the guy that owns the Oklahoma City SuperSonics or whatever they will later be called. They then decide to move the team to Las Vegas in an effort to maximize profits. They then became the Las Vegas Women. Would you still like the C....

T.R.: No. Moving out of the city would be too much. They wouldn't be the same team then.

Socrates: So that is the rub then. You like them because they are Chicago's team.

T.R.: I guess so. But we also have the White Sox. I'm not sure if the White Sox would be my team if the Cubs left town.

Socrates: What if the White Sox decided to legally become the Chicago Cubs, and completely did away with themselves as the White Sox?

T.R.: Would they play in Wrigley?

Socrates: Nope. Still at US Cellular Field. They would just be the Cubs now, and even have their back-to-back championship trophies from 1907 and 1908. Oh, and they would be in the American League Central. But, they would be the Chicago Cubs.

T.R.: *sigh* You drive a hard bargain, but yes.

Socrates: Ah. So it seems that you have told me that the players do not affect your team loyalty, nor does the coach. The venue, uniforms and team name are also immaterial.

T.R.: Yeah, I guess I did say all of those things.

Socrates: So we now know what is not essential to a fan's loyalty. And what is completely vital appears to be only that they are the team that is the current representative for the team that used to be the Chicago Cubs and they must still play in Chicago (or a suburb), regardless of what they're called, their colors, their members, where their stadium is, but if they have the legal rights to Cubs history, you're ok with them.

T.R.: Odd, but yeah. I guess I don't disagree with that.

Socrates: In other words, all that matters is, 1) They represent the Cubs in some fashion which represents the original Chicago Cubs, and 2) They are in Chicago, and 2B) aren't the Chicago White Sox.

T.R.: Again...yeah, I mean...I never would have thought about things this in-depth, but you are correct again.

Socrates: Ok. So we agree, what is important to you is that the Cubs history is somehow maintained, and that the team that maintains their history plays in Chicago?

T.R.: Well, yeah, I guess that's all I really need.

Socrates: So history and Chicago-ness comprise "Cubness" then?

T.R.: I'd agree with that.

Socrates: I never understood sports at all, much less fan loyalty. It is a truly irrational passion you have, my boy, but I am glad we have settled this today. How about an HJ?

T.R.: No way, Socrates.

Socrates: Very well then.

I Just Discovered That Horse Races can be Found on YouTube

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

This discovery is huge for me. Since you all know Big Brown and everyone likes seeing celebrities as kids, here is Big Brown as a precocious 2-year old (he is 3 now) in his first race ever (and on grass, no less). He was a 14-1 longshot no name and this win caught the attention of his moneybags owners, and they purchased him after seeing this performance. It's kinda like Annie and Daddy Warbucks, but different. Regardless, this race is pretty damn impressive.





This was him winning on Sunday in far less decisive fashion, in a race called the Haskell. But he did win nonetheless.

Zenyatta Aint Nothin' to Eff With

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Wa wa we wa. This was Saturday's Clement Hirsch Handicap at Del Mar in San Diego. The horse that wins is the undefeated filly Zenyatta. You don't have to know a thing about horse racing to know that she just toyed with the field here. Watch this race and follow just Zenyatta (She's #8 and her joeckey is in teal), I promise she wins, so there's no point in looking anywhere else. The video is kinda grainy so it may help to put your cursor/arrow thingy over her and follow her across the track. She's in last place until the :56 second mark. That's when she started picking off horses one by one along the backstretch. After that she runs into some traffic around the turn, and once her jockey can finally find her some running room she exerts just enough energy to win. With all of her zig-zagging she clearly took the longest route to the finish line, but clearly had more energy left than any other horse.

My point is, if you were a chick horse, Zenyatta would be much faster than you. Enjoy the race.

The Skillz To Slang the Grillz

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

If there is one thing I truly care about, it's plug-in kitchen appliances that are endorsed by retired athletes. I have never understood the rationale of people who purchase kitchen items that are not endorsed by them. I am also a staunch believer in the converse- I purchase only athletic wear that is sponsored by chefs. You can imagine how many compliments my Emeril Lagasse spandex have received over the years, or the jealousy in the eyes of people who see me in my Paula Deen running shorts.

Everyone knows the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Fighting Grilling Machine, but not everyone knows about the others. This is where I am not actually being sarcastic any more. Here's a look at the purveyors of "Fauxman Grills".

1. Hulk Hogan's Ultimate Grill.

Nothing about this infomercial is not uncomfortable to watch. Horrible acting by the Hulkster, and his family was even worse somehow. It's obvious Hulk did not study marketing in college because one of the first lessons they teach you is that when your product's sales rely upon Brooke Hogan's ability to ad-lib marketing ideas, your sales are going to suck.

Surprisingly, this grill actually appears to be pretty legit. The interchanging grill plates and flip-top lid are great ideas. I understand how a kitchen appliance company would want to copy the Foreman grill, but what I don't get is why they think they also need a has-been athlete to hock it. If it were just called something like "The Ultimate Kitchen Counter Grill" I'd give it a shot, but once it has Hulk Hogan's name affixed to it, something inside of you just says "Oh." and assumes it's just a knock-off.



2. Evander Holyfield's Real Deal Grill

This one seems extremely similar to Hulk's. I wasn't able to find out whose came out first, so I can't say who copied who. Evander didn't have spots on YouTube to peddle his wares but he does have a website you can find here, that features a highly informative video spot. You'll see that it's exactly like Hulk's. The one legitimizing thing in Holyfield's corner (Boxing pun bonus!) is that he does have that website. Neither Hulk nor, the grill I feature next have their own website which just adds to their sketchiness.





3. Deion Sanders' Hot Dog Express


This is just bad. Both the picture quality and the concept.




Finally! Someone took all the thinking out of cooking/reheating hot dogs. Since the average home chef doesn't have the fancy accoutrement like a frying pan or a pot that boils water, this machine allows you to actually re-heat readymade hot dogs from your own kitchen. And it takes up only half of your counter space! Not only that but all the fat is drained away during the cooking process! That's especially helpeful since we simply do not have the technology available right now to remove fat from hot dogs any other way. Maybe in the future someone will invent something like a "paper towel" if you will, and then devise a procedure like patting down a cooked hot dog to remove its residual fat. But until that day comes, this grill is the only possible way to do that.

This grill is the perfect example of something my grandfather once told me on a fishing trip, "When you get older and start a family and realize that you want to serve them unhealthy processed meats on a regular basis and decide to invest in a hot dog cooker, make sure it's endorsed by a man who once had a jeri curl. That's the most reliable predictor of it's quality. I just wished someone had told me that when I was your age."

Press Credentials at a Music Festival: False Hopes, Red Bull, and Baby Powder if That's All They've Got

by Michael "Tello Real" Raspatello, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

Every time I tell a friend, lover, my podiatrist, or your mom that I have press credentials to a concert or festival, they’re quick to conjure images of all-access handjob parties, Ketamine bumps, and unlimited taco platters. Knowing that, I’m quick to correct their misconceptions, and now it’s time to do the same for all of you. So, as you may have heard from one of the vigilant Alonzo Mourning-spawned orphans we employ to pepper our nation’s boulevards with news about Rivalfish, we have recently returned from the newest push-pin in the international music festival corkboard map. Try that metaphor on for size, www.pitchfork.lame, you pussies.

Rothbury, MI, home to three days of Snoop-tinged hippiedom, with all the charm that we all had hoped Bonnaroo would keep. Rivalfish was there, now agents of the jokesters that got your parents laid/high at least once, National Lampoon. Time to open up the Ini Kamoze-branded journal I kept throughout the weekend.

Mike “Tello Real” Raspatello, 26, as white and suburban as Suburu, into Jambands as a Lad, Still into Weed:
Friday, 11am - “So they gave me free tickets and all I have to do is talk to the fatter and less famous dude from Tenacious D for a whole 15 minutes. Could be worse, and he’ll probably be honored to be recognized. I used to love that band before I lived in the real world, had bills, and learned to respect strangers’ personal space and area noise ordinances.

I’ve been here for about 12 hours so far and the Disco Biscuits have been playing for at least 85% of that time. I’ve seen them before and I knew they play without stopping longer than a little Japanese boy the day a new Mario game comes out. So I showed up 2 hours into their set, pretended I was still into shrooming on a weekday, ran out of steam in 45 minutes, went back to my tent, passed out for 4 hours, woke up, and they were still playing the song they opened the set with. Well done Biscuits, I remember why I fell in love with you in the first place.

Saturday, 3:45pm – “Finally time for my big celebrity interview. Hopefully the press-tent has some Gold Bond cause my taint’s moister than Brian Dennehy’s forehead. Or at least some Red Bull. This sun’s murdering my gnomish frame and DeLuisian fitness level.

As I walk towards the heralded backstage access point, I dream of a rendezvous with the famous black guy from DMB and a high school girl, naturally, but am instead greeted with an awkward moment courtesy of The Dresden Dolls. A lot of folks know the Pink Floyd song “In the Flesh?,” which kicks off their ubiquitous album The Wall. However, most people aren’t familiar with “In the Flesh,” a track that’s buried about halfway into the second disc, has the same melody and structure, but different lyrics.

So, as they began to cover this lesser-known tune, it was clear that the crowd was confused. No one but true Floydophiles would have caught the distinction. But everyone caught these lyrics, which are literally "aimed at the audience" as part of the showmanship intended by Roger Waters….

Are there any queers in the theater tonight?
Get them up against the wall!

There's one in the spotlight, he don't look right to me,
Get him up against the wall!

That one looks Jewish! And that one's a coon!
Who let all of this riff-raff into the room?

By the time